Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense. – Edward Blake "The Watchmen"

24 Jun

What is up kids?

First of all, if any of you read my last blog and by the numbers i’ve seen at least over a hundred of you have, i’d like to apologize to ALL of you.  Friday’s blog was a half assed effort at best, and if i’ve learned anything from the show “Parks and Rec” it’s that you never half ass two things, you whole ass one thing.  And last week i was just too all over the place to write my normal comedy masterpiece so once again, i’m sorry!

The main problem was that last week was a little nuts for me, as i had TWO job interviews on Tuesday and then from Thursday to Sunday was my annual camping trip.  Which is my way of saying i was one busy a$$hole for once!  So if you got something other then my best on Friday i will blame it on that, because from being in a suit one day to playing a million games of beer pong at a cabin with my best friends while eating the greatest food of all time and doing shots and power hours until i’m a throwing up and deucing disaster i just couldn’t muster up a decent blog on Friday morning.  
But if the opening scene in the movie “The Watchmen” has taught us anything it’s that these times they are a changin.  And boys and girls your not so humble narrator is getting ready for some HUGE changes in his life, the number one being that after being laid off from that other job and being unemployed for over 6 and a half years i am now officially back in the working world!  Well i guess not officially, because technically i don’t start until tomorrow.  But after being a total loser scumbag without a job for the longest time, last week i got not one but TWO job offers!  That’s right, after getting zero possible job opportunities thrown my way i now had jobs flying at my face left and right!  If jobs were penises then call me Jenna Jameson filming an orgy scene!
Alright fine, maybe that wasn’t the best or most relevant metaphor ever.  But the important thing is that miguel jose is en FUEGO kids!  That means “on fire” to you white people.  You may remember that phrase from the mid 90’s video game, “NBA JAM” which we used to play on Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis.  When i was dead broke man i couldn’t picture this!  And yes i know, anyone who isn’t 47 years old like i am didn’t get ANY of the references i just dropped these last two paragraphs…
 But i have to tell you my friends i am super excited.  Excited to get back on track, excited to do something new and excited to start making some duckets!  i’ve got a future with my girl to start thinking about now, and to be honest that changes EVERYTHING.  i honestly believe that if i had been dating her longer while i was at that old job i might have not gone crazy and wrote blogs talking about how much i HATED that place and how it was crushing my soul day in and day out, and instead i might have been able to tough out that awfulness because i would have been doing it for us and not just myself.  
But whatever, $hit f*cking happens sometimes.  And like the picture i used to start this blog says it’s all a f*cking joke anyway.  To be honest even now i don’t have any real ill will towards my old place, despite the fact that i got fired in a cowardly way over bull$hit reasons.  And the truth is that even if i didn’t get fired i still might have ended up killing myself with how HORRIBLE that job was. So in the scheme of things i guess it’s better that i got fired instead of blowing my brains out and having to deal with some of those incredibly stupid people even one more day.  
But that’s all in the past now, and it’s time to look forward to a brighter day!!!  Although i will say now feels like the PERFECT time to celebrate my new job by reposting all the original blogs i wrote that got me fired all that time ago.  Makes sense right?  And why the hell not?  What are they gonna do this time, fire me again?  i mean sure they can try, but before they do i’ve still got two words for ya…
So two quick things before i get to the my nonsense.  One is that starting next Monday i am going to be reposting the INFAMOUS blogs that were apparently so raw that i needed to get fired from my job.  So if you want to read the words that were apparently too hot to handle for some Corporate bags of douche make sure you’re here next Tuesday!  
And secondly, did anyone realize that i’ve used the quote that i started today’s blog off with before on a previous blog?  Probably not, but if you did thanks for being a loyal reader!  And if you didn’t realize it thanks for being a dumb ass who forgets things! 🙂

– So i know this is another thing i’ve written on a blog before, but if you’ve missed this next bit of knowledge that i’m about to drop on you PLEASE try to take notes and for God’s sake PAY ATTENTION!!! i don’t say this often on this blog but for once i’m giving you some incredible life advice that only stupid people would not listen to.
Whenever you eat a bag of chips, whether it be Doritos or Lays or Crunchy Cheetos or literally ANY bag of chips (except “Puffed” Cheetos of course, because anyone who prefers puffed over crunchy Cheetos is an insane maniac who deserves to be put away behind bars).  But if you open ANY other bag of chips you might like, ALWAYS open the bag of chips from the bottom of the bag, not the top!  i know it may sound and/or look ridiculous, but the way the bag is transported from the factory to the trucks to the warehouses to back to the trucks and eventually to the store where you buy said chips the bag is ALWAYS facing right side up…  
Which means that during ALL of this time, ALL of the goodness like the salt and/or flavorings that you love is falling to the bottom of the bag.  So if you open the top of the bag of chips you are getting the LEAST amount of goodness that you can get.  SO DON’T DO IT!  Open the bag UPSIDE DOWN instead, and get all the delicious goodness that has dropped to the bottom that you paid for.  And please, just listen to what i’m saying and realize that you’ve been eating chips wrong you’re entire life.  And for Pete’s sake start opening your bags of chips from the bottom like us cool people have known to do for years. i promise you you will thank me later!!!
– Some of you must assume i’m watching this FIFA World Cup soccer tourney because i’m Mexican and you are racist.  But i cannot f’n stand watching soccer and refuse to watch any of it!  First of all it’s SOOOOOOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, and this whole never scoring thing is really disappointing.  Not as disappointing as my whole never scoring thing in high school thing but whatever, that’s another story…
But back to boring ass soccer, Jeebus Jumping Christmas can this game go 2 seconds without some guy flopping on the ground like he’s just been shot with a gun?  No wonder the clock has to keep running for both halves, if it stopped every time one of these fakers pretended to get hurt the game would be longer then a Red Sox vs Yankees game on Sunday night baseball!   And i literally saw someone who i thought was dead get carried off of the field on a stretcher, only to get to the sideline and “miraculously” get better and not only start walking but get right back into the game!   And because this game is so stupid no one even cares or says anything!
So i haven’t been watching soccer, nor will i start to watch it AT ALL!  Even though i will admit it was funny when the USA lost in the last few seconds of their game with Portugal.  Mostly because i’m not really rooting for the USA in soccer.  Why should i?  The United States DOMINATES every single other sport on the planet, not to mention we have all of world’s best resources and food and everything else we have is pretty much better then pretty much everywhere else.  So even with having and owning all of these great things, we still ALSO need to beat the world at “their” game too?  Seems pretty obnoxious to me.  i’d MUCH rather root for Mexico, who is 2-0 and won Monday’s game despite the fact the refs missed an OBVIOUS handball right in front of the goalie and they were trying to screw those amazing Mexican athletes!   And yes, i realize these last few sentences are proof that i was lying about not watching or liking the World Cup.  But to those of you who are now gonna call me a hypocrite i’ve got two words for you as well…  Viva Mexico! 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – To all of the people who don’t think they should extend Unemployment benefits… you do realize that the people who are on unemployment have paid into that program, right?  People don’t just get that money for being unemployed, you get that money because while you WERE employed you paid taxes into that program.  So just in case you lost your job because let’s just say some people apparently don’t have a sense of humor,  you would at least have some money to keep you afloat.

And i say some money because it’s not even all of your money.  It’s not like you get paid the full amount you were getting while you were actually employed, it’s just some money to help pay your bills and feed your family while you are out there looking for another job.

See, i would like to think that most people who are against unemployment benefits don’t know these facts.  But the sad truth is that i’m sure they do know.  These people know it but they just don’t care, and they don’t care because a huge faction of this country only believes in Capitalism and looking out for yourself.  Which would be fine i guess, but when you look at how well the stock market is doing, and when you think about all the crooks on Wall Street that work with the banks who stole BILLIONS from the American people and who were never held accountable for it, and how NOBODY went to jail even though if a regular person (minority) mugged someone for 20 bucks they would most definitely get some jail time.

 i get that for some reason you people against unemployment benefits are okay with all of that, and that instead of going after the real problem you would rather point your finger at the people with no jobs who are literally collecting just a pittance of the huge amount of taxes that they have all already paid into.  i get you would rather demonize those people instead of going after the top 1% who collects ALL of the wealth in this country and pays almost none of the taxes.  i get how all of you would think that.  i mean i think you’re dead wrong, and i think your opinions and anger are so misguided it actually hurts all of humanity on our planet.  But as far as you still believing that bull$hit anyway yeah i do get that you think that.

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, and i’ve got to get ready for my new job that starts tomorrow so i need to get ready to go back to work!
Although one quick sad note before i go, i want to say “Happy Birthday” to our friend Courtney who is no doubt smiling on all of her girls that she loves so much from Heaven.  She was one of the nicest and the sweetest and most fun girls ever, and for some reason she was also a big fan of my show and my blog.  And i have to say, it made me so happy that she laughed at my stuff because i always felt that if someone as amazing as Courtney enjoyed my comedy that i must be doing something right.  So happy birthday Courtney, everyone here loves you and misses you more then you could possibly know! xoxoxo
See you kids back here on Friday with an all new blog! 

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