I drew the duck blue because I’ve never seen a blue duck before. And to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck – Adam Sandler "Billy Madison"

10 Jun

What is up kids? 
So did everyone enjoy the Season Dos Finale of “VHS Breakdown?”  By your reactions i’m going to have to say yes because good Lord did we get some of the nicest compliments EVER!  And if you haven’t seen my review of the 1985 classic “Rocky IV” yet then you should, no, you MUST watch it here right now!  And share it with your friends who love 80’s movies for crying out loud!
Although speaking of movies about the 80’s, did i ever tell you guys about the time that i got to meet Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler?  And did i also tell you about the time when i never learned how to do segues?  i’m guessing the answer is no to both, so yeah let me tell you my one crazy story about meeting a bunch of famous people at “The Wedding Singer” film premier in NYC.
This story takes place back in the 90’s when i was still in college and in the fraternity ZBT.  And if i never told you guys before that i was in a fraternity in college that is a LONG ass story that i’ll have to tell another day.  But it’s true, i pledged and got hazed and joined a fraternity at Ramapo College of NJ and i even “allegedly” pledged my very first semester at school which is definitely not allowed…  
Anyways, one of my pledge brothers Mike B from Cali worked at a radio station and he got tickets to “The Wedding Singer” film premier in the city. Cool as f*ck right? So of course me, Mike, our other brother Bill and my boy Alen get to the city early and we brown bag a few 40’s and get bombed in the streets right before the event.  This was back in the day when the city was cool and you could get away with brown bagging a few beers on the sidewalk and not get arrested for that and/or having a soda that was deemed “too big.” 
Anyways, the four of us walk into the place and everyone else who’s there attending the premier are guys in suits and ladies who were all dressed up, unlike us four drunk college aholes who OBVIOUSLY didn’t belong there.  But we didn’t care, we were lit and ready to meet some celebrities! And before the movie started i got to meet Jon Lovitz, Conan O’Brien and Steve Buscemi!  Quick note on the two latter, Conan O’Brien if f*cking HUGEMONGOUS!  He’s like 7 foot 6 inches tall!
And on the other end of the height spectrum Steve Buscemi is like 4 foot 1 and 90 pounds soaking wet.  Which is what my undershorts were after getting to meet both of them!  i mean i got to meet Coco and Mr. Pink for crying out loud!
But then the movie was about to start, and all the rich and famous people went to their seats on the first floor whereas the dirtbags like us had to go watch from the balcony.  But who cares right, we were just excited to be there!  So we’re about to sit down except right before the movie starts my friend Alen said he needs to pee, and since i’m 80 ounces of beer deep myself i decide to join him.  So we hit up the bathroom, and just before we’re about to go back upstairs to the balcony all of a sudden a bunch of guys in suits rush in.  What the F right?  It all made sense soon though because in between all of the guys in suits we suddenly see Drew Barrymore, who looks over to us and gives us the biggest smile ever!  And i’ll be honest, once i saw her my heart dropped into my stomach and i was speechless for the first time in my life.  But lucky for me my boy Alen was smart enough to say “We love you Drew!” to which she looks over at us still smiling and says “I love you too!!!”  So yes, the point of this entire story is to say that Drew Barrymore once told me she loved me.  And here’s a picture of what she looked like the night of the premier, and the answer to your next question is yes, i popped in my pants…
So yeah Drew told me she loved me, and then we watched the movie and had a great time and then it was over.  Which sucked because we never got to meet Adam Sandler!  Except that after the movie ended and all the famous and rich people left including all of the stars, we realized we were the only aholes left in the theater except for those people who were working the event.  But since Sandler is the nicest guy on the planet he was the one celebrity who hung around so he could take pictures with all of the workers (who also happened to be a bunch of young hot chicks).  But we waited around for him to finish his pictures and as he was walking away (while wearing sweat pants and a baseball cap to his own movie premier) my friend Alen goes up to him and goes, “Yo Adam i know we’re not a bunch of hot chicks but could we get a picture with you?”  And Adam Sandler looks at us and goes, “You ARE hot chicks!” and proceeded to take a picture with my group of douchebag friends.  
So yeah, i don’t care how many poor romantic comedies or “Grown Up” movies he puts out.  Adam Sandler will always be one of my heroes, and after meeting him and finding him to be the nicest coolest person ever i will always root for him.  We even got to tell him that our favorite movie of his was “Bulletproof” which is one of his less popular movies.  But you could tell he must hear about “Billy Madison” and/or “Happy Gilmore” all of the time, so he acted really happy that we loved one of his other movies so much.  
But yeah that’s the awesome night i had once.  i don’t have a copy of that picture anymore with Adam although i do have a whole bunch of autographs including Sandler and Buscemi and Lovitz and Conan so that’s pretty cool.  But to meet one of my comedy idols AND have Drew Barrymore who was basically Kate Upton to me when i was that age tell me she loves me?  It was definitely a night i’ll never forget 

– Just for the record, i know i make jokes about how NYC used to be so much better and “cooler” back in the day.  A time where you could order ginormous sodas and drink 40’s in brown bags and smoke pot in the streets. And a lot of people love to romanticize this “golden era” of New York City, but the truth is i’m glad that town as been cleaned up.  Besides, smokers are jokers and just say no to drugs!  And i’m not a chicken you’re a turkey!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Let me just make it clear that i don’t hate kids.  i have a niece and nephew that i love, and some of my friends have their own kids and i think they are all precious little angels.  However, is it possible to open a restaurant where the punishment for bringing in your screaming children is death?  No, not to the kids, it’s not their fault their parents are inconsiderate aholes who should have realized having kids means they can’t do certain things anymore and having fun or your own life is one of them.  And for real, you need to ruin MY Saturday night just because you can’t find a babysitter but still want that nice Italian dinner so you have to ruin everything for me?  It was your awful decision to have children, don’t bring me down with you.  Oh and besides your kid being a crying mess he’s not cute at all, deal with that too.
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i get that as an “educated” person it should be easy to tell the difference, especially because it’s in the same spot every time and it never changes.  But could car makers please separate the things in cars that pop the trunk and open your gas tank a LITTLE farther away from each other??  i’m not saying i get it wrong every time,  but i’m pretty sure if Akmesh at the Exxon by my house has to close my trunk for me when i’m just getting gas one more time the he’s going to lose his $hit.  But for real, i dig the fact that i can play my Ipod in my car, and the whole cameras behind me to make it easier to park thing was a fantastic idea.  But if you could just move the trunk latch a tad farther away from the gas latch maybe there’s a chance i could stop feeling like such a moron.  Maybe.
Fast Food Tips – Taco Bell has added a brand new item called the “Quesarito” to it’s menu, and if you were looking for the final nail in my obesity coffin this might be it.  It’s a cheese quesadilla wrapped around a beef burrito with rice, chipotle sauce and sour cream.  And before you ask the answer is yes, you can also get this item with shredded chicken and/or steak. And no, that’s NOT sour cream…
After seeing this new item of course i wanted to go to Taco Bell ASAP and wrap a cheese quesadilla around my own personal beef burrito.  But then i heard that they may be releasing the “Breakfast Quesarito” which replaces the rice with scrambled eggs and you can get sausage and/or bacon and i literally covered the front of my pants with miguel jose’s “special brand” of spicy chipotle sauce.  And now i haven’t been able to try either item because i’ve been too damn busy cleaning up my saucy mess!  Regardless, thanks to my pal Suzie for giving me the heads up on this diarrhea delight.  i don’t know if was the new fast food item or the fact that it was Taco Bell that reminded her of me but either way i appreciate her help on this blog despite her racism! 🙂 
Although speaking of Taco Bell and new items, they’ve just added a new but completely necessary adjustment to their restaurant bathrooms that i’m thinking about adding to my own home…
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week despite this dreary wet weather, and come back on Friday for an all new hilarious comedy blog!  And yes i mean one written by me!

One Response to “I drew the duck blue because I’ve never seen a blue duck before. And to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck – Adam Sandler "Billy Madison"”

  1. Johnny Lats June 11, 2014 at 12:42 am #

    Zionist brotherhood of the torah?? Nothing like a nice set of jewish lats. mmm, I'll eat kosher 8 days a week.


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