Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and your government when it deserves it. – Mark Twain

27 May
THE BLOG WHERE I CELEBRATE AMERICA AND TRY TO RECOVER FROM MEMORIAL DAY

What is up kids?

So did everyone have an amazing Memorial day weekend?  i know i sure did, between bbq’s and beer pong and burgers and brews and buddies and my baby and badminton and balloons and bongs and baptisms and listening to Beck and Bradley Cooper movies and my trip to Bulgaria… haha i’m just kidding. i don’t even know how to play badminton!  Whoo hoo grab my ShuttleCOCK!

Really miguel?  We don’t hear from you for over a week and you drop badminton jokes on us?  Let me guess, you’re super hungover and just writing bull$hit hoping we won’t notice what a poor writer you are?”  Actually i’m writing this part the same Tuesday my last blog came out, i just figured i’d get ahead of the game and write in advance instead of trying to finish it like i am now a completely hung over and tired DISASTER.  See what i did there?  i started a sentence last Tuesday and now i’m finishing it on Memorial day while i’m hungover and a tired DISASTER and will do anything possible to get out of writing this now.  Even something like reposting a rant i wrote on Memorial day last year!

     “But whatever with that, it’s f’n Friday and most of you get to enjoy a 3 day weekend!  And i’m sure you’ll spend it honoring our troops that we’ve lost and those who have served our country so bravely.  And by honoring our troops i mean you’re going to BBQ it up and blaze and booze your face off till you have an awful throw up of hot dogs and kraut as well as that third burger that you DEFINITELY didn’t need.   God bless America!!

     But whatever you do have fun and for the love of God please be safe!   Not so much because i’m a sensitive person who really cares about your well being.  i just would like to keep as many of my readers alive for as long as i can.  And until such point that i become super famous and rich i’m going to need you fools to stick around!

     But whatever if you can’t tell by now i’m a hungover DISASTER and am trying to finish this rant in between bouts of throwing up my lungs in the bathroom.  And i don’t feel the need to go into it entirely, but i’ve also got explosive diarrhea so bad that they have officially declared my bathroom an “Unsafe” zone and i’m actually now eligible for aid from FEMA.

See why i reposted that Masterpiece??!?  It’s nice to see some things never change.  God bless America!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– For the record, no one ever needs to eat 2 hot dogs and 3 burgers in one sitting.  NEVER.  i don’t care how hungry you are, or how good they taste, or how empty your stomach is after throwing up all night the night before because of the other BBQ you were are the other day.  Just don’t eat that much and if you don’t listen to me then don’t complain about it on a blog.

Because you deserve this feeling that you have now.  You deserve it because you’re a fat a$$ piece of $hit and you deserve to die young.  And because you knew while you were eating all of that garbage that it was a bad idea, and an even worse one was to have those two and half pieces of cake right after because you “wanted to try the frosting.”  Enjoy your early grave you bag of douche.

– Does anyone remember that old game “Mousetrap?”

It’s the ridiculously complicated game with a million pieces for you to lose that no kid in America played correctly.  In fact, i NEVER learned the actual rules to that game. What the hell were they?  All i know is that i tried to set up the entire thing every time just to see that wacky contraption work.  But it never did, probably because like i just said i lost over half the pieces.

Anyways as crazy at that so called game was it still wasn’t as f*cked up as the board games they had in the 50’s!  Once you let the picture sink in you’ll get it…

A Great Name for an 80’s Cover Band!  “Troy’s Bucket”  If you love the movie “Goonies” and great 80’s band names then this was probably your favorite bit ever!!!

– Speaking of awesome 80’s movies did you all watch the latest episode of “VHS Breakdown?”  We reviewed the 1989 classic “Look Who’s Talking” and we found out just out F*CKED UP parenting was back in the 80’s.  Plus we had an adorable cameo from a brand new star to the silver screen Cole G who is sure to be the next Leonardo DiCaprio.  Except they’d better not deny him the Oscar like they did my Leo!!

-So i was all fired up to watch an all new “Game of Thrones” this past Sunday but i blew it because it was a holiday weekend and HBO didn’t have a new episode.  Stupid Memorial day and giving respect to our troops.  Anyways unless Albin tells me any different there IS a new episode of Game of Thrones this weekend, so make sure you watch because there’s only three episodes left!  Oh and also because there’s a hot porn star on that show…

Fast Food FACTS:  If there’s anything fast food does right it’s killing everyone who eats it by slowly poisoning them to death with awful chemicals that no human should consume.  If it does two things right it’s come up with ridiculously scary mascots that are sure to give children nightmares.  We all remember that creepy kid touching “king” that BK tried pushing for awhile…

And of course everyone knows that McDonalds has been pushing that horrific clown upon all of us for God knows how long…

No, not that creepy clown.  The other one!

Jeebus Christmas that is one horrific looking mascot!  Although not to be outdone by themselves McDonalds has a brand new mascot for it’s Happy Meal called, “Happy”  And no i’m not kidding…

Way to go McDonalds!  If you can’t scare people off with all of the dangerous chemicals you put in your so called “food” then you might as well use creepy mascots to scare children away for good!

And that is it for me today kids.  Holy Crapballs i am SO f’n tired!!  But i hope this blog finds you all fine and well although maybe a little hurt up in your sides from laughing so hard.  If not give me a break it was a long crazy weekend!

But i’m back and ready to rock so have a good rest of your week and i’ll see you on Friday with an all new blog!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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4 Responses to “Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and your government when it deserves it. – Mark Twain”

  1. albin May 27, 2014 at 5:49 pm #

    Hell yeah there's a new episode this coming weekend, which will feature the most epic fight of all time!

    Like

  2. Miguel Jose May 27, 2014 at 6:05 pm #

    i know i can't f'n wait. And i'm going to write about it this Friday but Comic Book Girl 19 is the best thing ever, i understand SO much more about the show now. She's like a way better version of VHS Breakdown haha

    Like

  3. Johnny Lats May 29, 2014 at 10:11 pm #

    Did anyone else notice the lats of the asian women in the back of that hotdog eating contest shot? A little bulky, but that's my kind of woman.

    Like

  4. Ceampie Jerry May 29, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

    At first, I couldn't find anything wrong with that 50's board game picture. I mean, what, the women are in the kitchen doing dishes. It seems normal and natural. Everyone in their place. But then it hit me. Something wasn't quite right. The people doing the dishes should have been black. That's it!

    Like

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