A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man. – Don Corleone "The Godfather"

20 May

What is up kids?

Like Luke Wilson in the movie “Old School” i am now officially The Godfather!  Or at least “a” Godfather to one of the most precious little angels i have ever seen in my life.  Here’s both of us after our huge day!!

i for real couldn’t be happier or more thankful for him, or the honor my brother and his lovely wife Heather gave to me by choosing yours truly to be the Godfather despite my “questionable” life choices to put it nicely.  “By questionable do you mean they picked you even though you’re an overweight unemployed fat ass who probably isn’t getting into heaven yourself?”  Yup, that’s exactly what i meant, and that’s exactly why i tried to put it nicely as well so thanks for that a$$hole…

But i’m in a great mood today!  And i won’t let a few Internet trolls get me down with their hateful and truthful words.  Especially when we’re so close to Memorial day weekend!  Does everyone have their plans set already?  i sure do, and i’m guessing it’s because i have a girlfriend.  Have you ever noticed that girls love doing stuff and going places and enjoying things and life, and because of that they plan accordingly?  Apparently sitting in my dark and damp basement on couches covered in dog hair watching “Flight of the Conchords” Season 2 DVD’s is not her idea of “the best time ever,” especially when it’s 80 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze on a Saturday after she worked hard all week.  For real, i just don’t get women!

But because of the awesome 3 day weekend we have coming up i’m only writing one blog this week, so enjoy these laughs when you can!  “We’re trying miguel, but we can’t help wondering when you plan to start being funny again when all you talk about is babies and baptisms and being an “adult” lately.  And oh yeah, HOW BOUT THEM RANGERS??!!”  Yeah, yeah i know.  The New York Rangers are only 6 victories away from winning the Stanley Cup.  And i blame myself, because when i congratulated my friend Jackie on the birth of her beautiful baby girl Alexa i “jokingly” said that i hope their princess gets everything she wants in her life except that she would never get to see the Rangers win the Stanley Cup.  And even though it was just a “joke” it was in poor taste and i’d like to take it back right now.  i hope the NY Rangers win every single year starting with this one, and i hope your child knows nothing but fun and happiness AND Ranger victories!  Ok good, now i can sleep at night.

The ebb and flow of life certainly is crazy though isn’t it?  While things couldn’t be worse for me as far as work and sports, my personal life and family life couldn’t possibly be better.  But that’s how this life thing works i guess, we cannot have everything we want in life at all times.  There’s good and bad in everything, and it all depends on what we choose to focus on.  Which is why i’m going to focus on the incredible weekend i just had with my family and my love, as well as the fun weekend i have planned coming up.

And while i know many of you are butt hurt because i won’t be writing a blog on Friday don’t focus on that.  Focus on the fact that there’s a new episode of VHS Breakdown on this Thursday at 4:20 on Blip, and that you’re lucky enough to be reading a comedy blog now.  And thank God for the New York Giants, the only sports team to give me any happiness in my life lately!!!


– I-95 in Connecticut is the gddamn WORST f*cking highway on the gddamn planet.  For real, what is the point of that stupid state???  Oh yeah, UConn is pretty good at college basketball, who f*cking cares?  A college basketball team is the reason that every time i have to drive through your awful state to see my wonderful family i have to get stuck in your bull$hit traffic due to daily accidents and construction that seems to last forever?  And how is it possible to ALWAYS be doing construction yet nothing ever gets done and your highways are still a piece of $hit?

i honestly believe the reason that there is always traffic on I-95 is because they know it’s the only chance they have to keep people in their pathetic state, and they figure if you’re stuck in traffic for 10 hours you’ll eventually just give up and stay in one of their awful hotels, eat in their putrid restaurants or gamble in their TERRIBLE casinos.  i mean Atlantic City is nothing compared to Las Vegas, and the Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods make AC look like the Bellagio.  And oh yeah, thanks for closing 2 of your 3 lanes on a weekend that everyone was driving back after all of the graduations from real colleges in Massachusetts.  That’s a completely classless move by a bunch of soulless douchebags who deserve to live in that hell hole.  i hope whoever decided to do that suffers a worse fate then Theon in Game of Thrones.

– There’s only TWO EPISODES of VHS Breakdown left this season, so you’d better make sure you watch an all new one this Thursday on Blip!  And if you didn’t see last week’s episode where i review “Three O’Clock High” you missed the amazing guest appearance from my boy Duffy who’s one of my best friends and apparently a FANTASTIC actor.  Check it out now and find out for yourself!

– So i’m officially making the switch, i’m a full time wine drinker now.  And i know what some of you are thinking, “Man you are one dirty Mexican!”  But that’s only my racist readers and you can all suck my big fat spicy chorizo. But i’ve been drinking wine lately because besides it being a fantastic and fun drunk i’m realizing that beer and vodka give me the kind of hangovers that would make most people put a bullet in their dome.  And while i know some of you Alpha Males will think i’m a pansy drinking fermented grapes in a sippy cup i’m over that macho bull$hit because my hangovers aren’t NEARLY as bad and i just dig the taste of wine.

And besides, now when i drink wine i always pretend i’m a Lord or Nobleman in Game of Thrones, or at the very least i can always pretend i’m the God of t!ts and wine like Tyrion Lannister!

“Facebook Etiquette”- So if you’re friends with someone on Facebook you HAVE to say “Happy Birthday!” on their birthday unless you are a complete loser douchebag with no class.  Speaking of which i totally didn’t get to say happy birthday to my friend Kelly Marie who lives in PA, but is also an honorary member of the “Dumont” crew of ladies i hang with.  And normally when i miss saying happy birthday on FB i don’t get that upset about it, especially when it was because i was in Cape Cod Mass all weekend for my nephew’s baptism and apparently being by the beach is a wi-fi and phone signal killer.

But Kelly is the gddamn MONEY, and she’s also one of the people who consistently shares my blog and my show VHS Breakdown without me ever asking to do so which i’m guessing makes her a fan of my comedy.  And this in turn makes me a big fan of Kelly, so i’d like to take the time here to give a shout out on my blog and say happy belated birthday Kelly!!! 🙂

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Have you ever received the silent treatment from a girl?  Yes i know it’s heaven, but every once in a while you kinda want her to stop it.  Alright fine, no guy ever wants his girl to stop giving him the silent treatment ever because it’s a rare and fantastic thing when a woman will just shut her pie hole for 2 seconds.

However, if by some one in a million chance you do want her to stop giving you the silent treatment there is a surefire way to get her to stop.  Just give her the silent treatment back.  But don’t just do it, TELL HER that you’re doing it.  For example, if she’s been giving you the silent treatment all morning just go “That’s it! i’m giving you the silent treatment!”  IMMEDIATELY  you will hear “WHAT?!?!  You’re giving ME the silent treatment?!?  No f’n way, i’m the one giving YOU the silent treatment!!  How dare you do this and how dare you do that and meh meh meh meh meh….”  Because girls do enjoy giving guys the silent treatment, but they LOVE running there yapper even more.  But like i said, what guy wants the silent treatment to end?  Guys who are not smart, that’s who.  Although if you do follow my advice she will most likely end the relationship to go along with the ending of said silent treatment…

Fast Food Tips – Sonic is all about their slushes, and if you’ve ever had a cherry limeade from there you know their drinks are so good you might have to change your underpants after drinking one.  And that’s before i even heard of their “Nerds” slushie that adds actual Nerds candy to their Blue Rasberry and Grape Slushes, a move that is so innovative and fantastic that they deserve an award of some sort.  The “sugary drink that’s most likely to send miguel jose to an early diabetic grave” award seems like an appropriate one to give them.    
And that’s it for me this week kids!  i’ll be back with an all new blog next Tuesday after the long weekend but don’t forget to check out an all new episode of VHS Breakdown this Thursday at 4:20 on Blip!  But i hope everyone has a great vacation weekend and i’ll be back to make you kids laugh again soon!

Cya next Tuesday! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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