The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm. -Aldous Huxley

16 May

What is up kids?

Speaking of kids, do you see that little angel i posted just above?  That is my ridiculously perfect nephew Kieran who is going to be baptized this weekend.  Exciting stuff right?  Well not as exciting as the fact that i’m going to be the Godfather!!

That’s right, this 80’s movie review web series star and your humble comedy narrator is going to be a Godfather for the first time in my life, and i have to say i am overwhelmed with happiness by this.  Because let’s be honest folks, personally i’m kind of a piece of $hit. i mean i’m not working regularly, i own no property, i’m overweight, and out of all five of my parents children i am clearly doing the worst as far as social status goes.  So why the hell would my intelligent young brother and his beautiful wife choose me as the Godfather to their son?  And while we’re at it, why does my beautiful successful girlfriend choose to be with a dumb ass like me when she could literally be with any guy she wants??

i don’t know, but when they say that “God works in mysterious ways” i’m guessing this is exactly what they’re talking about.  Although to be honest i really don’t look that down upon myself, even though i probably should.  i mean yeah i never exercise or eat right despite all the studies that i read and hear on the subject, as well as knowing that i’m going to have to do so eventually if i want to live past 42 years old.  And yeah maybe i don’t do enough good things for my parents even though they’ve loved me and taken care of me my entire life and still do so to this day. And maybe i am really bad at getting back in touch with my good friends whether it be on the phone or on email, despite the fact that i love them and do generally care for them with all of my heart.  And maybe i am a grubby little basterd who constantly doesn’t have money and relies on his friends to take care of him when he goes out, whether it be for food or drinks or even a movie. And maybe…

Wow, when i list it all out like that i really AM a piece of $hit.  But the truth is i don’t really believe that, because at the very least i’m not as bad as someone like Rush Limbaugh or Dick Cheney or Hitler. 3 guys i have no problem combining in the same breath.  i mean i never killed anyone and i don’t spew hatred and try to get people to turn against one another.  If anything i try to bring everyone together with my comedy, by pointing out all of the funny things we each think about or maybe have never even noticed. Or at the very least i just try to bring some laughter into your life!

And if i do have a central message to all of the nonsense that i spew each blog it is to be happy and to love one another and to try and not take all of this “life” stuff so seriously. Because yeah we all have bills to pay, and we all live check to check and hate our boss and think the people who run our company are dumb as f*ck, and when we hear about how assf*cking backwards our congress is we want to bang our heads against the wall until our skulls cave in.  It’s impossible to not deal with that kind of stuff all day and not want to take a swan dive head first off of a building into a wood chipper.

 But then i see a face like my nephew who is now a little over 6 months old and it literally makes me forget ALL of that nonsense…

Holy f*cking $hitballs that is the cutest kid ever!!  i mean i look at that incredibly adorable child and realize that all of this pain and suffering that we go through in our daily lives is completely on us.  We have the choice to find happiness and love in our lives, and we pick the things we give importance to and let affect us every day.  And maybe if we stopped blaming everyone else for our misery we’d realize we all have the power within us to be happy and to enjoy this amazing gift called life.  Because that’s what it is my friends, it’s a gift.
 “Jesus Christmas miguel what the F happened to you?? You used to talk about drinking and partying and eating fast food late at night and then waking up and throwing up on all fours in the shower as you try to push chunks of stale White Castle through the drain.  Now you’re talking about love and babies and real life $hit?  Are you going to be one of those “mommy” bloggers now?  Why don’t you talk about having your period and give us tips to get sand out of your vagina?!?”
Yeah yeah, i know this blog is a normal departure from my awful nonsense.  But i can’t help it, i’m in a fantastic mood today. And there’s nothing wrong with me telling my family and my girl and my friends that i love them once in awhile on here, it’s the least i can do after living a lifetime of complete sloth and selfishness.  Because i’m trying to become a better man as i get older, and after Sunday i’m not doing it just for me anymore.  i’m doing it for my nephew who is going to need some good role models in his life. And while he’s too young now to realize what a complete worthless dirtbag i am, hopefully by the time he starts figuring things out he’ll be proud of his famous comedian Godfather who will be filming Season 10 of “VHS Breakdown” and is loved and respected by all!  Although i won’t really care as long about that as i’m loved and respected by Kieran, my first and only Godson after this weekend in Cape Cod Massachusetts!  

– Speaking of great weekends involving me, are there any of you out there that is DYING for me to write more about sports in my blog?  Nobody?  Well that’s perfect because I’ve started writing a sports column only it’s not for THIS blog, it’s for the website  In my second article i wrote about the Subway Series and why anyone who’s a fan of baseball should be happy to watch it.  Don’t agree with me?  Well then go and leave a comment on my column, Lord knows it’s easier to comment on that site then it is on this one!!

– Speaking of hilarious comedy by me that you can find other places then this blog, if you missed yesterday’s all new episode of VHS BREAKDOWN then you are missing my amazing review on the 1987 cult classic, “3 O’Clock High.”  “But miguel jose, i’ve never seen that movie before and i don’t know it!  Will i still enjoy your show?”  Of COURSE you will enjoy it, it’s funny and nostalgic and i guarantee* that you’ll be glad you did!  So go watch it now!!
* Not a guarantee

– Speaking about not knowing things, did everyone else know that the gas light on your dashboard ALSO tells you which side your gas tank is on???  i’ve never heard this fact before in my life, but the next thing i know Daniel Tosh is dropping that info on Tosh.O and now Twitter and Facebook legend George Takaei posted something about it as well.  Who by the way, if you’re not following George Takaei on social media you are BLOWING it because he is f*cking hilarous.

And i also hear this might not be the case in every single car, so if you go and check today and it’s not true don’t blame me blame your stupid ass car.  But if it is true i’m glad i just taught you something new about the vehicle you sit and drive in every single gddamn day!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  Speaking of Cape Cod, does everyone know that you can’t order a “Long Island Iced Tea” in Massachusetts?  No, not just because they hate the Yankees so much, even though Boston would probably be that gay and do something like that.  It’s because there is too much liquor in a LIT, and apparently people from Mass can’t handle that much booze in their vaginas.  And oh yeah, they are also not allowed to have “Happy Hours” either.  Well not for alcohol anyway, they are allowed to have discounted food prices.  But they aren’t allowed to sell discounted liquor of any kind, so they can never have any happy hour deals in that state.  Whoo hoo go Saux!  Your accent and your alcohol policies are wicked gay, and you’ll never be as cool or as tough as New York.  Especially because your bars close at 1 am and in New York they are open all night baby!  Oh and our Giants QB owns your Patriots QB, just sayin…

– Speaking of Fast Food… “Hey miguel, do you realize by starting off every single f*cking bit with how you are “speaking” about something is horrifically poor and lazy writing?  What’s the point of writing all of these blogs if you don’t get any better?  Grab a thesaurus and find another segue already!”  Sorry about that, i’m feeling tired and out of it and i thought it’d be funny to start each bit like that on my blog today.  Apparently i was wrong.
What isn’t wrong are all of the Fast Food workers who went on strike across America yesterday in order to protest their low pay and demand an increase in the minimum wage. And i guess there are two sides you can be on with this argument, with the first being you support these low wage earners and agree that if someone works 40 hours a week that that person should be entitled to a living wage. Or you can be on the side that supports these corporations and CEO’S who make over 1000 times an hour more then what their workers make per hour and be totally fine with that and yes i get that you are a Republican and probably white.
But regardless of what side you are on in honor of these hard workers who basically get paid slaves wages in comparison to what their “owners” get paid here are a few Fast Food FACTS for you to shovel down your unsympathetic throat the next time you treat yourself to fast food the way MILLIONS of Americans do each day.  Like the fact that the average fast food patron eats 12 pubic hairs in a given year.  Enjoy!  
Fast Food FACTS:
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend even though it won’t be as amazing as mine.  And for real i hope you do all realize that you are in control of your own happiness, and if there is something in the way of that just know you do have the power to fix it if only in your mind.  Or if you still can’t do that go hit up McDonalds and enjoy a shake that’s made up of over 50 chemicals and enjoy a burger with pubic hairs on it.  i’m Lovin’ it!!


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