I mean, look at me, I’m a mandingo. I’m just saying that back in the slave days, my love life would have been way better. Massah would have hooked me up with the best brotha on the plantation. … I would be the No. 1 slave draft pick – Leslie Jones

9 May

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, the NFL draft was last night!  Wasn’t it INCREDIBLE??  i still can’t believe they picked what’s his name at whatever number, that was easily the best pick of the draft!  And the worst pick was when that one team they picked whoseit’s from honk my hooter university.  What was that insert NFL team here thinking???

But yeah speaking of the draft, did you all see the black comedian Leslie Jones do a skit on “Weekend Update” on “SNL” this past weekend?  “No miguel!  We have lives and actually go out and have fun instead of sitting home and doing nothing on Saturday nights!”  First of all, i DVR’d it so eat me. Secondly, that means you’re missing all of the “controversy” from her comedy set!  The one where she talked about how currently she is single, probably because she is a big scary black woman.  But if she was around during slave times she would have been the Queen of the plantation, and her master would have hooked her up with the biggest and baddest slaves they had!  But it’s way funnier to hear her say it so watch it below.

Now as you can imagine, everyone was OUTRAGED by this!!!!  i’m guessing because everyone is such over sensitive pansies who can’t handle a joke these days and gets outraged over gddamn EVERYTHING.  For real people, grow a gddamn pair!! Stop being so offended over WORDS for crying out loud!  You people do realize it’s just speech we’re talking about, don’t you?  i mean Leslie Jones is a strong black woman with a great sense of humor and she made fun of a time in America where things were REALLY F*CKED UP.  Are you really more offended about her joking about it then you are about what our country is guilty of?  Because if you are you should really slow your role.

It’s like all of these people who are so OUTRAGED over Benghazi, but for some reason couldn’t have been more silent when our government was lying about WMD’s and sending our brave young men and women to die in a horrible desert for no reason.  Or at least a reason we were clearly lied to about.

Whatever miguel, jokes about slavery are wrong!!  Why would you even want to joke about something like that???”  For the same reason we all joke about f’d up things, because it’s gddamn hilarious.  That’s how A LOT of us deal with bad news or uncomfortable situations or things that upset us and are horrible to think about, we f’n make jokes about them.  What’s the other option? Stay silent about anything bad that has happened ever?  Be super depressed and cry and sulk over anything that upsets us to think about?  F that, i’m going to make some F’d up jokes about it!

And yeah some of you may not understand this way of thinking, and i don’t expect you to.  But stop telling those of us who do deal with things in this way to quit doing it, because we can’t and because we won’t.  That’s why it’s called a “sense” of humor my easily offended friends, because it’s a sense of what we find funny.  We don’t all have the same sense, the same way we don’t all like the same foods, enjoy the same music and relish all of the same smells.  Like this White Castle candle for example, which is the must have present for this Mother’s day!  What mother doesn’t want her house to smell like White Castle!

So yeah to sum this up, i’m getting real sick and tired of all the fake OUTRAGE from everyone these days.  You all need to calm the f*ck down already.  All you’re doing is whining and complaining, although i know there is nothing many people like more then to complain and whine and comment on social media, as well as try to argue why they should be in charge of what language we use.  Even my Number 1 Fan who is obviously some lonely mom who knows me personally yet still feels the need to leave “annonoymous” comments on page that i will never read or post still gets offended by what i do.  i’m guessing it’s because she is too f’n stupid to just not read my blog!  But she’s obviously infatuated with me and can’t get enough of the miguel jose, and i can’t say i blame her.  Can any of you really???


-Speaking of mothers day, i’d like to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to my own mother who is a saint for having raised me considering what an obnoxious ungrateful ahole i was/am.  But hopefully she is not reading this because i know she doesn’t understand the humor i use in my blog.  She especially will never understand why i have to be so dirty and filthy and classless.  But the truth is i can’t help it, i don’t take life seriously and those things make me laugh!

But to all of you lovely moms that were nice enough to grace us with the gift of life after lugging us around for 9 months in your belly and then giving up everything so that we would be happy i just want to say HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!

– So did everyone watch the latest episode of “VHS Breakdown?”  You should have, it’s my personal favorite episode of the season.  And yeah i know many of you probably haven’t even seen the film “They Live,” despite the fact that it’s AWESOME and a classic and probably the best independent movie ever with the greatest fight scene of ALL TIME.  So even if you never saw this movie you should watch this episode now because i guarantee it makes you laugh!! *

* Not a guarantee

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i’m huge fan of porn, but i have to admit my tastes are getting a little weird these days.  i’m not sure what they call it, but what i like to do is record myself having a conversation with myself on SKYPE and then play it back and masturbate while i talk dirty to myself and then ending by giving myself a money shot to the face.  Is that weird?

“JEEBUS CHRISTMAS mIGUEL what the hell are you talking about?!?!?” Alright relax, i’m just kidding. i have no funny bits for today so i decided to be lazy and just go for shock value, are you happy??  And it’s good to be shocked and offended sometimes.  Imagine going through life if you were never offended by anything.  How boring would that be?  And how would you know if something was offensive and disgusting unless there were people like me to point out what the line is for you?  So when you think about it, i’m really doing all of you a favor.  And when i think about it, i want to get Skype ready on my computer so i can turn my beautiful face into a winter wonderland.

Like the Money” written by miguel jose in High School sometime in the early 90’s

Jammin’ funky bass lampin’ out tonight, no need for eyes cause it’s out of sight.
Everyone can handle the sweet baby rhymes.  Dishin’ out lines, smokin’ this kind.
Scholar of the times there’s no need for brawn.  Bring it if you want cause it’s f*cking on.
Trails that we blaze last us through the night.  $hit’s mad tight, guaranteed to excite, alright.  Allllllrighttttttttt

      Droppin $hit like the Money, tastes sweet like milk and honey.
      No need to sweat all of you babies.
      So nice it’s strictly butter, don’t front there ain’t no other.
      Do i got time for you? Well maybe…

Haha hell yeah those are lyrics to a song i wrote in high school called, “Like the Money” it’s the money, right?  Anyways i found an old notebook with a ton of old poems and songs and Random Nonsense i wrote when i was barely older then a tween.  And i’m going to post them in my blogs going forward because why the hell not?  i think it’s the money idea!  And to get you in the mood here is a picture of me and Rob in high school!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – For my money the best game to get girls drunk is flip cup, hands down.  First of all they all love it, and secondly it’s really the only game they’ll play anyway.  They won’t play beer pong, or if they do they are always awful at it.  At best they will be not the worst.  But you can always get a ton of girls to play flip cup.  It’s a very quick game, it’s easy to play, and you don’t really drink that much.  In theory anyways, because sure a quick “sip” before flipping that cup isn’t much.  But the game only lasts 15 seconds and once it’s over the losing team wants a rematch IMMEDIATELY!

 So once you play 10 or so games in a row most of these girls are “bombed,”or in other words mission accomplished.  No one even keeps score, you just kinda keep playing and switching people in and out so everyone gets bombed.  And oh yeah for the record, guys should never play flip cup if it’s just guys. Or even mostly guys for that matter.  Any guy that is down to play flip cup when it’s not to get a bunch of girls drunk is one shady motherf*cker.  But anyways, thank you girls for playing flip cup.  You are the money.

Fast Food Tips – Apparently Pizza Hut is getting tired of trying to figure out other places to shove massive amounts of cheese into their crust and have FINALLY moved on to other ideas that are sure to clog your arteries and damage your soul.  That is why they are now selling Waffle fries, because if you don’t get enough carbs from all that doughy nonsense they call pizza you can now shove some fried salty potatoes down your disgusting throat!  Sounds good to me, it’s gddamn Friday for crying out loud.  Sign me up and get that toilet bowl ready!! 
And that is IT for me today kids.  i hope everyone has an awesome weekend, and i hope everyone has been digging my blogs lately!  i’ve definitely tried to step them up so hopefully you kids appreciate it.

But have a great weekend, don’t forget to share this blog and my show for that matter with everyone you know and i’ll see you back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!

Cya Next Tuesday! @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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