I like refried beans. That’s why i want to try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all. – Mitch Hedberg

6 May

Que onda mis ninos y ninas?

Hopefully you are all hung over as you’re reading this, i mean it’s the day after Cinco de Miguel for crying out loud!  Although i noticed that many of you didn’t bother to write, text, email and/or fax Yours Truly a Happy Cinco de Miguel despite the fact that i’m CLEARLY the only Mexican person you know who also writes a blog and/or isn’t your dishwasher/gardener.  And that’s just messed up!  Don’t you realize Mexicans are the highest growing racial demographic in the country, and that soon you’re going to have to “Press Dos para Ingles?”  Show some respect ya gringos!

But if you didn’t tell me Happy Cinco de Mayo it’s okay, as long as you redeem yourself by reading today’s blog.  If you do that i’ll have no problemo saying gracias! And now it is official, i have literally used every Spanish word that i know.  So no mas!

But in honor of my holiday, i’m going to re-post an old rant where i told one of my favorite Cinco de Mayo stories.  And i do so not because i can’t, but because i MexiCAN!! So enjoy this story about when i dropped some Cinco de Mayo knowledge on some silly white people in a Chili’s many years ago.  It’s the only time EVER that i said anything smart when i was drunk!  Or ever when you think about it.

     … i figured today’s blog would be a good day to tell my favorite Cinco De Mayo story ever.  i don’t know if it will come across as well in writing as it does in person but oh well, i got zero other ideas for today anyway.

i guess it was 7 or 8 years ago now?  Damn my memory is horrific! But anyways it started off at a happy hour at Fiesta Cancun after work.  A bunch of us were there boozing heavily, Cuervo was involved of course and margaritas were had by all.  Basically its like every holiday that i spend with my family.  So after getting a nice buzz on, and by buzz i mean i was pretty f’n bombed, we decide to go to the most Mexican place on Earth… Chili’s!

There are many reasons this was a bad decision, i’d say number one is the fact that it is a family restaurant and i was super bombed and in rare form even for me.   So we’re at a table and i’m being totally loud and obnoxious, even more so then usual.  But then in true miguel jose blackout form i start cursing my FACE off.  F this, F, that, this f’n $hit motherf’ing Fbag… you name it.  The managers of the restaurant didn’t say anything to me and i have no idea why they didn’t kick me out.  However, the nice white family next to me consisting of a sweet old man and woman and their granddaughter did not seem to appreciate my awful behavior AT ALL.  And they shouldn’t have, i was the worst!

So the old man finally goes to me, “Would you mind watching your language please?” To which i reply, “My apologies good sir, i did not realize i was being so loud and being offensive in front of your family, i will stop cursing immediately!”

Oh wait, that’s not what i said.  What i actually said or rather yelled was, “ i DON’T HAVE TO BE QUIET IF i DON’T WANT TO! THIS IS MY GDDAMN HOLIDAY i’M MEXICAN AND i’M CELEBRATING!!!”

Wow, what a classy ahole i am.  So anyways, without missing a beat the man goes, “Do you even know what this holiday is celebrating today?”  And i’m sure most of you white people are thinking “It’s Mexican Independence day!”  But like most things you’d be wrong!  And that’s exactly what i told the man, i told him “Well most people think it’s for Mexican Independence day which is false because that is actually September 16th.  What this holiday really celebrates is a Mexican victory against the French in the Battle of Puebla!”  And the old man looks at me, amazed that i knew this and just goes, “You’re correct”, and went back to his dinner.

Big victory for me right?  Great thing i know so much about my heritage!  Although one final note to that story, up until the morning of that same day i actually DID think it was for Mexican Independence day.  However, lucky for my dumb ass i had some silly “Fact a Day!” calendar at my desk, and it just so happened that the fact on Cinco de Mayo was “Most people think that Cinco De Mayo is for Mexican Independence day which is actually September 16th.  What it really celebrates is a Mexican victory against the French in the Battle of Puebla…

So yeah my dumb drunken awful self came off as a cursing classless ahole, but at least i came off as one who knew about his Hispanic heritage!  But the reality is i know nothing about my heritage and i don’t even speak Spanish, i just lucked out reading my calendar that day.  So the jokes on him!  Oh wait, i’m the guy who’s a disgrace to his own people, maybe the jokes not him.  Damn, this story doesn’t have a happy ending after all…

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone!


– So i can’t STAND all of the “May the Fourth be With You!” memes that were all over the Interwebs on Sunday, despite the fact that i actually dig Star Wars and am happy they are making more movies.  But everyone has to post some lame re-hashed meme on Facebook or Twitter or whatever and it’s boring and unoriginal and you’ll never find me doing it.  And don’t get me started on the “It’s gonna be May” memes with Timberlake either.

However, i came up with the idea of “May the Cinco be With You!” which is original and hilarious and that is something i have none problem posting on social media!  And if you follow my Facebook page at Here Comes the Money… Facebook Page you will get jokes like this and even funnier ones because of my boy Jay John who keeps posting ruthless and funny stuff.  So yeah go like my page, it’s my Cinco de Mayo wish!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – For English, Press 1″  Are you one of those people who absolutely HATE this??  “This is America, speak English!”  “Why should i have to press 1 in my own country, this is bull$hit!!!!!”  Um, calm down white person who can’t handle helping others, have you stopped to realize what you are getting so worked up about?  It’s pressing a button, that’s it.  That’s all you have to do to help out millions of Americans who have trouble with the language.  Plenty of people had to do whatever they could to get to this country in order to give themselves and their families a better life, including your own ancestors who unless you are an American Indian are not originally from here either.

So with all the hardships these people have to face, through all the prejudice and trying to learn a new language and adapt to a new culture you’re going to be absolutely INFURIATED because you have to press one stupid button?  Simmer down folks, if pressing a button is the hardest thing you have to do all day consider yourself lucky.  But people never think about helping others, they only think about their own inconvenience which in this case is the extra step of PRESSING ONE BUTTON ON A PHONE.  And also, it’s the number 1!  It’s not like they are saying for English press “8”, you are still number 1 even with these choices!!  White people’s problems are so boring….

-Why is it so hard to get rid of clothes?  i’m talking about clothing you KNOW you will never wear in a million gddamn years.  i mean yeah sometimes you’ll give some away for charity or just lose stuff, but in reality we all currently have in our possession clothes you probably have not worn since high school.  Although i guess i’d better hold onto those size 30 jeans just in case i drop 80 pounds this summer!  And i’m sure the 90’s will be back in style again so all that flannel and B.U.M equipment will come in handy real soon.  But yeah for real, clean out your closet and get rid of that stuff already!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS – I’m not saying Pinnacle flavored vodka is for gay people, but the flavors they have are Butterscotch, Cotton Candy, Whipped cream, and Chocolate Whipped cream which is apparently for black gay guys.  But whatever, gay or not that stuff is delicious.  i’ll take a shot of that chilled gay whipped cream down my throat any day!

Fast Food Tips – If a carnival doesn’t have zeppolies then it’s not an f’n carnival.  “Whoo hoo rides and fun and amusement!”  Who f’n cares??  All i want is some gddamn zeppolies so you’d better f’n have them.  And let’s be clear, i don’t expect them to be as good as the ones from the St. Mary’s carnival in Dumont.  Those are the best zeppolies on the planet and i have yet to try one that even comes close.  To be honest i don’t understand how theirs are so much better then everyone else’s.  i mean they are just fried dough with sugar for crying out loud.  But just because Dumont’s carnival has the best ones ever that does not mean other carnivals shouldn’t even try!  A carnival without zeppolies is like going to a football game and not tailgating.  It ruins the whole experience and it makes you a bad person.

And if you can’t tell the answer is yes, i am a little bitter that the carnival held this past weekend right by my house didn’t have zeppolies.  i can’t hide my disappointment, i guess i do wear my emotions on my sleeve.  But i’ll tell you one thing that’s not on my sleeve, powdered sugar from all the zeppolies i planned on eating!  Way to go aholes!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone had a great long Cinco de Miguel weekend and hopefully you enjoyed this blog even though most of it was me reusing old stuff.  But like i said before i’m Mexican and can do whatever i want on my holiday, even if it’s yelling curses at white people at Chili’s.

But have a great week, don’t forget to watch an all new episode of “VHS Breakdown” Thursday at 4:20 on Blip.tv and then i’ll see you back here on Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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