They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the f*cking effort. There is a difference. – Bill Hicks

20 Apr


What is up kids?
It’s 4:20 on 4/20, which means the conditions are PERFECT to post my 300TH BLOG EVER!!!
And this isn’t the only holiday to celebrate today, it’s also Easter which should technically be the biggest Catholic holiday there is.  A lot of people just assume it’s Christmas, but a lot of people are morons.   If you knew anything about this religion you would know that today is the day that Jesus rose from the dead after being crucified by Mel Gibson’s father, and Jesus coming back from the dead is the reason that anybody is allowed to get into heaven.  Which is why this holiday is SO much more important then Christmas, which is just the celebration of Santa Claus’ birthday.  Lean your bible people!!!
Now before this blog gets TOO blasphemous, let’s get back to the ha ha’s or more importantly for today the “high high’s.”  “UGH, wow miguel.  You expect us to celebrate this momentous occasion of your 300TH BLOG and you come at us using AWFUL jokes like that?  i mean i’m high as $hitballs right now and even i didn’t find that last joke funny!”  i apologize, that was definitely my fault.  i just don’t feel right today after smoking before, but i blame myself for purchasing that weed from the guy in the Easter Bunny costume.  i should have known he wasn’t legit!!

But again, this blog shouldn’t be all about me questioning religion and getting high with the Easter Bunny.  This blog is about how after starting this thing on Wednesday, March 23rd in 2011 i am STILL going strong and doing my best to bring you laughs and even make you think sometimes for the 300th time three years later!  i mean for real, HOLY F*CKING $HITBALLS KIDS i CAN’T BELIEVE i’M WRITING MY 300TH BLOG!!!!

And for real, thank you all SO much for coming with me on this ride. What started out as just a way to start writing again and get my creative juices flowing turned into an online comedy diary of sorts that’s really made me a much better comedy writer and just a better writer in general, and that isn’t definitely ain’t not too bad!

And i’d like to say that it feels like just yesterday that i was writing Blog 100, but to be honest it feels like a LIFETIME ago.  Which is why for my 300TH BLOG i’m going to re-post my rant that i wrote for Blog 100.  One because it’s fun to be nostalgic and i know no one remembers what i wrote anyway. But more importantly because it’s 4:20 on 4/20 on Easter, and i’m probably blazed to my gourd, as well as full to the point of my top pants button exploding from all the food i ate for Easter dinner.  If you are as lucky as me you are doing the same, so while you’re passed out on your favorite chair and or packing a bowl with some sticky icky to celebrate 4/20 i present to you an “Oldschool” rant from Blog 100!

      … Holy f’n $hitballs kids!  100 gddamn blogs!  Who thought i would get here?  i’ll tell you who, literally no one.  Including myself!  i thought when i hit blog 50 i’d be making my farewell speech.  i mean for real,  i get fired up to start things all the time.  But actually stick with it? That’s a whole other story.  Procrastination and laziness is a BITCH my friends.  For those of us not lucky enough to hit the genetic lottery and be given a strong work ethic and drive to get things done, doing stuff can sure suck ass sometimes.  And it’s not even that, it’s so much easier to just do NOTHING.

i mean think about it, i could clean my room or do laundry or do those dishes or make breakfast or start working on my taxes or go running for my first time in forever or go to the store to pick up that stuff i need, etc.  OR… i could stay in my bed, crack open a beer, smoke a big fat bizowl and watch t.v. all day and night.  Is it really that hard to see why some of us love doing nothing so much?

 To some of you it is that hard.  Some of you just cannot f’n sit still.  You need to wake up early because “i don’t want to waste the day away!”  You’re out and about (or oot and aboot as they say in Canada) by 9 am, at the Supermarket and the mall and back by 11 am to throw that second load of laundry in the wash.  Then as you hit the gym and stop at the pharmacy to pick up your medicine on the way back, you’re wondering if you have time to stop at H and R block to get your taxes done before you start dinner and pick out your outfit for tomorrow.  All the while i’m sitting on the couch in my own disgusting filth, wondering if i should shower today and wondering how many days in a row have i had on these boxers?  If i’m going by the smell i’m gonna say 4, 4 days in a row.

But i’ve accepted that’s just how i’m built kids.  Sure, once in awhile i get some stuff done.  But overall i’m just a gddamn lazy motherf*cker.  And sure i’m not accomplishing as much in life as i should be, but i also gurandamntee i’m having more fun then 90% of you out there!  Or maybe i’m not, but i don’t care.  My life is the money, and the Giants winning the Superbowl is just the gdamn cherry on top of the Rocky Road Sundae that is my existence.  i love my family, i love my friends, and i f’n love this gddamn blog.

i’m not going to put too much thought into why a lot of you still read this thing, but i will say i’m glad you are all still here.  And i think i’ve provided a decent amount of free entertainment from my dome, after 100 blogs there are easily tens of jokes that must have made you chuckle at least a little bit.  And that’s all i’ve ever wanted to do in life is make people laugh.  It’s my favorite thing ever, and it has been as long as i’ve been alive.  i truly did and do want to be a stand up comic, and if i ever do stop procrastinating maybe i will get to it.  But this blog has helped me at least get some of my comedy out there, and that is an amazing thing to me.  My plan now is to start doing stand up again and luckily i can steal a bunch of material from my own blog which is nice.  But this blog was my first step to at least prove to myself how much i do still love comedy, and i truly appreciate all of you who took this step with me.

“Wow, 100 blogs later and you still have an oversensitive sappy sweaty Vagina!  Glad to see things don’t change!”  Yeah yeah i’m big sensitive pu$$y.  Eat me.  And you’re right, i don’t change.  Do you think there was any chance that i wouldn’t do a shot of Everclear after the Giants won the Superbowl? Of course i did one, and of course i threw up immediately, and of course i couldn’t give less of a f*ck.

But life is too short to focus on negative things and things that aren’t important.  What is important is that i truly love this blog and i’m gonna keep doing it as long as i can.  100 blogs is the money feat my friends, i won’t always say this but today i will admit i’m pretty gddamn proud of myself.  i started something and i stuck with it, and i have no intentions of slowing down yet.  So today enjoy some of this “Oldschool Nonsense” from the past but don’t think for one second i won’t have a brand new blog this Friday with all new versions of the same old jokes!  And honestly, thank you reading my friends, you kids truly are the money! 🙂


” i have never seen two people on pot get into a fight.  Because it’s IMPOSSIBLE!  “Hey buddy!” Hey, what?”  “Ummmmmmmmmmm…” END OF ARGUMENT. – Bill Hicks

So have all of you seen our epic two episode review of the Michael J Fox classic, “Back to the Future” yet? You HAVEN’T?!?!  What the hell are you doing with your life?  Go watch them here NOW!!

And oh yeah if you could do me a favor, please “like” and “share” our show on Facebook and/or Twitter and/or WHEREVER!  We are a totally grass roots campaign that depends on our fans to help us share our show with the world, so to everyone who has done and/or is doing so thank you so much you are the BEST!!

“Why is Marijuana against the law?  It grows naturally upon our planet.  Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… unnatural?” – Bill Hicks

– So it’s old news by now but did everyone hear about the US Airways “tweet” that got the airline in a lot of trouble?  If you didn’t hear the story basically the airline was responding to a customer by answering them over Twitter.  Which shouldn’t be a problem right?  Wrong!  Because somehow when they responded they added a picture that i’m guessing they didn’t plan on adding…

i’ll tell you one thing, i don’t care if that plane had Jack Sheppard and Locke on it because NO ONE is going to be able to escape THAT Smoke Monster!  Because LOST references are so f’n topical Jewel.  Whatever guy, it’S MY 300th blog and i do what i WANT!

“If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes, CD’s and BURN THEM.”  – Bill Hicks

“MOMbook posters”- i seriously doubt that there are any moms out there that are awesome enough to do this.  But if you are out there just know i think you are the coolest mom ever!!

“i’ve had good times on drugs.  That’s a fact.  i’ve had bad times on drugs too, okay?  But i’ve had good and bad relationships and i’m not giving up pu$$y”  – Bill Hicks

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – What is the point of plain M&M’s?  Who buys those?  Let’s see, i can have yummy chocolate wrapped around a fantastic peanut in a hard candy shell, OR i can have just the chocolate and no delicious peanut with it.  Cause yeah that choice makes sense.  There’s a sandwich place in Dumont called “Denaros” that has the BEST bread of any sandwich place i’ve ever been to in my life.  But as much as i love their bread, if i had to choose between just eating the bread OR eating the bread with a sandwich of delicious cold cuts inside i’m gonna go with the bread and sammich please!   And oh yeah, don’t give me that whole peanut allergy excuse, “Boo hoo peanuts might kill me!”  Grow up already

“Not all drugs are good.  Some of them are GREAT.”  – Bill Hicks

Fast Food Tips – In honor of 4/20 it would only be fitting if i told you a few of the greatest Fast Food Tips EVER, and to start i want to talk about Domino’s new “Specialty Chicken.”  Apparently instead of regular pizza crust they are putting cheese and toppings on top of chicken instead of any of that carby bread.  It sounds kind of fake, but as you can see by the picture below this new chicken pizza is none joke, even though by the looks of this cheesy sloppy nonsense your best bet will be to order it over the phone and have the delivery guy bring it right to your bathroom so you can eat this on the toilet bowl in order to not waste any time.  Although if you are ordering this for dinner just how precious is your time to begin with?

Fast Food Tips – If you are still in high school and you have a huge crush on another obese teenager, then do i have the present for you!  It’s called the “KFC Chicken Corsage,” and as much as you want to think that i’m just making this $hit up i can tell you that i am not. They say the way to a fat girls heart is through her enormous stomach, and with this beautiful original or extra crispy filled gem she is sure to fall head over heels for you!  Unless she is just falling over because of her weight and because her arteries are clogged with KFC grease.  One or the other i guess.
Fast Food Tips – So it wouldn’t be a special 300th 4/20 blog unless i gave you THREE amazing Fast Food Tips, and not surprisingly this third tip once again comes from KFC.  Because if you didn’t hear the news they are bringing back their heart stopping and diarrhea inducing Double Down sandwich!  A sandwich made by using two pieces of boneless fried chicken as bread with cheese and bacon in the middle.  Sound too good to be true?  Well it is, because besides it not being as orgasmic as you think it’s going to be, KFC also decided to bring back this monstrosity on 4/21, otherwise known as the day after 4/20.  Way to go dicks!  Definitely don’t bring back this disgustingly delicious sandwich on the one day people will definitely be high enough to want to go eat one!

So did you catch all of the Bill Hicks quotes i was dropping throughout this blog?  You might have missed it, i was trying to be subtle about them.  But as i end this 300th blog i have two things to say.  One is that there will be no new episode of “VHS Breakdown” or any new blogs this week, as after 300 blogs and 5 amazing episodes of my show i need to regroup for a hot one.

But more importantly, i hope everyone realizes the point of everything i’m doing here on “Here Comes the Money…”  i mean yeah i’m trying to make you all laugh, but more importantly i’m also just trying to open all of your eyes to just how INSANE this whole life thing really is.  Because that’s why i write these blogs twice a week.  It’s not because i get paid or make money because i’ve never gotten a cent for this thing.  And it’s not because i’m such an ego maniac that i need to write these in order to get the attention i crave.  i mean yeah it’s some of that but it’s not the main reason.

i write this because if i didn’t talk about how crazy it is to be alive and walking around and breathing on this planet i would probably lose my mind.  Because all of the beauty i see, and laughter that i feel is something so amazing i can’t imagine not sharing how i feel with the world, even though it may only be a few of you that even get what the F i’m even talking about.

i guess what i’m saying is don’t take all of this stuff so seriously folks.  Life is a gift, and being happy and choosing to laugh and not be filled with hate and anger is a choice.  And not listening to what everyone in authority tells you to do, from the police to the government to your parents and even your God, is also a choice. And i’m not telling you what choices you should make, i’m just saying it’s better to question everything rather then just doing what you’re told to do just because everyone else does so too.

And yeah i’m definitely not trying to get all deep to try and bring any of you down haha.  In fact it’s quite the contrary. Like i said before we choose our own happiness, and despite the system failing us and all of the bad things that go on in this world i still choose to be happy and love life and love all of you.  So thank you all for reading my blog my friends!  And a special thanks to Jay John for keeping my HERE COMES THE MONEY FACEBOOK PAGE as hilarious and ruthless and ever.  And thank you to my beautiful love Jen, who for some reason dates me even though i put out this ridiculous nonsense out twice a week.

But yeah man, 300 blogs?  That’s pretty f’n crazy…

Cya Tuesday 4/29!!!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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