Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you… He loves you and he needs money! – George Carlin

15 Apr

What is up kids?

It’s blog number TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE, and you’re gddamn right i’m feeling motherf*ckin fine!

Can anyone believe i’m at 299 blogs?  “No, we can’t!  We still can’t believe you lasted more then a week at this!  Especially when all you ever do is get fired up about starting something and then you lose interest immediately and then you never end up getting anywhere, in your projects and/or in your life!”  Wait, was that you trying to say “congratulations?”   Oh well, i’ll take it.  Thank you!!!

But accomplishments aside, i did feel the need to start today off with that RUTHLESS quote about religion by George Carlin, even though Easter is this Sunday and Passover is right now.

Although speaking of holidays, does everyone realize that Easter is on 4/20 this year?  Of course you do, mostly because the Interwebs have made it so that it’s impossible to make a point and/o joke that hasn’t been made by somebody, ANYBODY else on social media already…

But yeah i guess if you grew up Catholic or at least believing in God a quote like Carlin’s is kind of hard to swallow, i’m guessing because it goes against EVERYTHING that you believe in.  And i’m not ready to say what i personally do or don’t believe in right now, mostly because i’m not positive what that is.  Because i’ll be honest kids, religion is a subject that i ponder about CONSTANTLY.

But that Carlin quote above? It was “jokes” like this that made me really start to question everything as a child.  Because i couldn’t believe what he was saying!!  When i grew up you were NEVER allowed to say anything about religion, and just the act of asking a question seemed blasphemous.  Questioning religion??  That was a first class ticket to hell as far as most people were concerned!

And i always hated that, and i honestly believe the way they tried to stop us from having questions made me who i am today.  Because i know for most people who are religious the idea of having “faith” is enough for them.  And while i would never try to take someones faith away from them, it just was never enough for me to believe something just because someone was telling me to do so.  i don’t care if was about God or even just questioning my bed time as a child, it was a real hard sell to get me to believe anything.  ESPECIALLY when i wasn’t allowed to ask all the questions that i wanted to ask!

And while that picture above is really a little Jay John questioning religion and not myself it still makes my point.  And my point is that i think we should be able to question EVERYTHING on this planet, and anyone who stops you from doing so has no clue what this life is all about.  i never want my mind to become lazy and not think about and question everything that comes into my brain.  If something seems crazy to me, like following traditions that people came up with over 2000 years ago, you can bet your ass i’m going to question it!  And anything that won’t let me do so will always seem a little shady in my eyes, if not a lot shady.

And all i ask is that you don’t judge me for doing so.  If you believe strongly in religion and don’t feel the need to question anything, fine.  But don’t look down on me or judge me because i want to question life.  Gaining knowledge and expanding our minds is TRULY what being a human is all about, that and surrounding yourself with love.  And if you need religion to do this so be it, but don’t judge others just because their path is a different one then yours.  You don’t have to agree with what i believe in or how i live my life, all i’m saying is be open to ideas that may seem scary and “offensive” to you.

Although speaking of offensive, get ready for this Sunday at 4:20 because that will be my EPIC 4/20 blog which will also be blog 300.  And it doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not ,because the fact that i’ll have been doing this blog for over 3 years and written 300 mostly masterpieces is a miracle in itself!  Hallelujah!


– So can i tell a quick awful story that i’ve never told anyone before?  Of course i can, it’s my gddamn blog!  Anyways, when i was a Sophomore at Ramapo college (my last actual semester at that school before i kinda got kicked out) i lived in a dorm with my roommate Billy and we shared a bathroom with two other random dudes that we never saw and didn’t know.  But the worst thing about sharing this bathroom was that there was ALWAYS pubes all over our toilet bowl every time we went in our bathroom.  And it was HORRIFIC! How dare these aholes be so f’n repugnant right?

So we did what any passive aggressive aholes would do, we left a note saying “Hey jerkoffs!  Stop leaving your disgusting sweathy hairy pubes all over the bathroom every time you use it you gross f*cks!”  Which totally solved the problem, right?  WRONG!  Because imagine our surprise when the kid left us his own personal note where he said, “Look, i’m sorry for the mess in the bathroom.  i am going through Chemo right now and i’m losing more of my hair then i expected to…” So yeah that happened to me in my life.  Man i’m an ahole!  Way to go you sophomoric bag of douche.

– Speaking of cool things you learn on the Interwebs, did everyone else see this meme on social media this week?  It’s not the craziest thing ever by any means but that doesn’t mean it’s still not pretty cool! 

– So i wanted to write about “The MTV Movie Awards” this week but then i remembered i’m an old man and that i haven’t watched MTV since 1969.  Haha 69.  Anyways rumor has it Kate Upton was there, and i guess she’s in a new movie with some broads that aren’t nearly as attractive as her.  And since i didn’t see her on the awards show i’m going to just have to take a guess at what she was wearing and this is what i came up with in my head, hopefully it’s pretty accurate…

-Did everyone see last week’s EPIC episode of “VHS Breakdown” where we reviewed “Back to the Future?”  You DIDN’T?????  Then watch it now if you haven’t forgotten the face of your father!

Pretty fantastic right?  Well part DOS premiers on Thursday, in our first ever sequel to one of our episodes.  Make sure you tune in to see the amazing conclusion!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  Never, EVER ask a girl “Are you mad at me?”  Unless you never want to sleep with said girl ever.  Girls HATE insecurity more then anything.  Case in point, do you nice guys want to know why girls date a$$holes? Guys like to think it’s because they treat their girls like $hit, which is only true in the case of Italian girls.  But girls date a$$holes because they are mad confident, and confidence is EXTREMELY sexy to a woman.   So again, never, EVER, ask a girl “Are you mad at me?

Or you can not listen to what i say and then do ask her that, i just hope you enjoy your night alone pleasuring yourself in the shower crying in loneliness like this other Mexican/Dominican guy with somewhat the same build as me did last weekend.  No not me jerks, his name is Manuel Jose and he DEFINITELY does not write a blog…

– So i absolutely HATE the NY Rangers and i hope they lose every game in the playoffs by an average of 5 goals.  But regardless i do want to say Congratulations to my friend Jackie who just had a beautiful baby girl!  She’s the money and she deserves all the happiness in the world that doesn’t involve hockey, so congrats to my friend and good luck!  And i hope Alexa never sees a Rangers cup in her life!!

Fast Food Tips – So i finally tried the Taco Bell breakfast and i have to say it was everything i dreamed of!  Not so much a delicious tasting meal, as it definitely wasn’t that and that’s not what i was dreaming of in the first place.  What i imagined was an “after party” in my stomach from eating Taco Bell so early in the morning, and what came next was a natural event in my bowels that would put the Polar Vortex to shame.  Forget last night’s eclipse, there was a “blood moon” in my very own bathroom as the New Orleans type levies in by butt cheeks burst open and ravaged what was left of “toilet town.” So basically what i’m saying is Taco Bell’s breakfast gave me the $hits.  Guess there’s no point in being subtle about it.

And that’s it for me today kids!  Don’t forget, there’s no new blog this Friday as i’ll be putting up BLOG 300 this Sunday at 4/20!  My annual 4/20 blog is always a special one, and it only makes sense that i’m hitting this major milestone on such a special occasion.

But don’t forget to watch an all new episode of “VHS Breakdown” this Thursday at 4/20, and then come back here on Easter for my 300th 4/20 blog spectacular!   What an epic gddamn week!!!

Cya at Blog #300 on 4/20!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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