It doesn’t seem to matter what the facts are. It used to be everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. – Stephen Colbert

11 Apr

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s barely up, and that’s your oh so humble narrator who had a ROUGH night yesterday.  After putting up a brand new and our most EPIC episode of “VHS Breakdown” ever at 4:20 on Blip the co-creator and i decided to celebrate the achievement with a couple games of beer pong as well as a bacon Sicilian pizza from our favorite pizza place “Turvinos.”  Sounds like a great plan right!  WRONG!!

i am SO hurt up today, and for real i have zero clue how i’m even going to write this blog.  And it’s not even so much because i’m hungover right now, which i am. It’s more the fact that i spent all last night puking and deucing myself to no end, to the point where i had to peek my head out of the bath while taking a shower and throw up in the toilet from there because my stomach hurt so bad.  And i know what some of my loyal readers are thinking, “Why didn’t you just get on all fours in the shower and throw up down the drain like you used to in your old blogs?” 

That’s a very astute observation, and i must say i’m impressed that you would even ask that.  But the truth is that normally when i’m hungover it’s usually the next day that i’m throwing up bile and my stomach lining and any other “fluids” that i have in my system.  And normally i have zero problem getting on all fours like a dog and throwing up down the drain while i’m taking a shower and i’m praying and begging for mercy from all of the old and new Gods that are or ever were.

But like i said before, we had ordered a Sicilian bacon pie from Turvinos, a pizza that we went to TOWN on. So i couldn’t lay down in the shower and throw up in the drain after that, it would be filled with pizza chunks!  And there’s nothing more depressing then feeling gross and disgusting in the shower while trying to push bits of bacon pizza down the drain after just throwing up in the shower. It’s undignified and to be honest i don’t want people to think i’m not classy.

But after a miserable sweaty night of awful sleep and stomach pains and a crushing headache that i can still feel lingering in my dome i made it to today which is Friday.  And that’s REALLY what life is all about!  My hope is that even after reading this you will learn NOTHING from my words, and that you will still go to happy hour after work or some kind of bar or restaurant and treat yourself to a cocktail or two or 9.  Don’t let the fact that i’m a pu$$y who can’t handle beer anymore stop you from partying tonight!  You’ve worked hard all week, you deserve to enjoy yourself even if it’s only for one night.  And Friday after work is the longest possible time before you have to go to work again so make the most of it!  Just try to avoid the situation i woke up to and you should be okay!


So this is blog 298, which means i’m only TWO AWAY from 300!  And yes i did that math for you, you’re welcome!  And yes i am very well aware that after almost 3 years and 300 blogs that i’m still writing rants about being a hungover disaster who wakes up in his own filth.

 But i just want to give you all the heads up now that i’m writing one new blog on Tuesday and then i’m writing blog number 300 on 4/20 for my annual super special 4/20 blog that i do every year.  Except that even though i never have blogs on Sunday this time i’ll be posting it at 4:20 on 4/20!  And yes i know it’s Easter Sunday but whatever, you’ll be so sick of church and hanging with your family and eating until you need to unbutton your pants that it will be nice to read something funny.   So yeah come back here on Tuesday for an all new blog, but don’t forget the next one will be on 4/20 at 4:20!!

– So have you watched my review of “Back to the Future” yet?  You HAVEN’T??? What the F is your problem?  i watched it this morning and that’s after i spent all night in a passionate make out session with my toilet bowl.

Well lucky for you i’m going to put it here so you can watch it now.  So go watch it already, it’s super funny!

– So if you haven’t heard the news (which is impossible if you are on any sort of social media) Stephen Colbert is taking over “The Late Show” with David Letterman.  And while that news is definitely awesome, it does kind of suck that he will have to stop “The Colbert Report.”  Because NO ONE shows how ridiculous the media and Conservatives and Liberals are better then Colbert, NO ONE.  And while his show is a comedy show it’s also very important in defending us sane individuals who have normal ideas on what this country can be from the loud mouth uneducated nut jobs who end up having the largest voice in this country.  Mostly because the media gives them the microphone in order to get higher ratings and not report any news.

And i obviously wish him well and if i do watch a late night talk show i will definitely pick Colbert over Fallon, because besides being extremely likable and talented at impersonating famous people i don’t particularly find Jimmy that funny.  But Colbert is the gddamn man as was Letterman, and while i will definitely miss “The Colbert Report” hopefully someone else can pick up his reigns in the fight against the insanity that is this nations government.  Hopefully.

And oh yeah, if there is one thing that makes me SUPER happy about Colbert taking over the Late Show it’s big fat drug addicted hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh getting all mad about him being picked to replace Dave.  This one tweet alone already makes everything worth it!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – If you’re a $hitty parent, would you really care if DYFUS came and took your children away?  i feel like if you were an awful parent that getting someone to take away your kids would seem like HEAVEN to you.

So wait, so you’re telling me that if i continue to abuse and neglect my children that the government will actually send people to come take my bratty ahole kids… and they’ll do it for free?  i dont’ get it, what’s the catch?  There is none?? Where do i sign up?!?!  Although wait, you’re also telling me that the worse i treat these little aholes the quicker you’ll get these monsters out of here?  i’m grabbing a bottle of vodka and a belt and i’ll see you in an hour!  Thank you for doing God’s work!!

And if you can’t tell the answer is no, i don’t have kids of my own.

And that’s it for me today kids!  i’m barely hanging on so i’m going to punch out Maverick.  But i hope everyone has a good weekend, make sure to “like” and “Share” my “Back to the Future” Episode of “VHS Breakdown” for crying out loud and i’ll see you guys here on Tuesday!

Cya!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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