People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it? – Jim Gaffigan "Dad is Fat"

4 Apr

What is up kids?

Happy Friday everyone!  The day that everyone looks forward to all week is finally HERE!

 And yeah of course it’s grey and rainy and miserable out, at least here in Bergen County.  But that doesn’t change the fact that most of you will be done with work for the weekend in a few hours, and tonight you can finally do whatever you wanted to do all week!  Which i’m sure means drink a bottle or two of wine and pass out watching television at 9 o’clock which is earlier then you’ve been to bed all week, never getting to do anything that you want to do. 

But who cares, it’s Friday!  Although before i go any further i gots to get one thing off my chest, and it’s about how i am truly offended by “The Boomer and Carton Show” which is a morning “sports” talk show on WFAN.   They are supposedly a mix of comedy and sports talk but this week they really made some rough comments.

If you haven’t heard the comments yet you can read about their comments HERE, but to try and sum it up basically they were making a comment on the New York Mets baseball player Daniel Murphy who took 3 days off at the start of the baseball season to be with his wife who was having her first child.  And that made Boomer and Carton so angry!  He’s a professional baseball player, he needs to get back to his team immediately!  And there were no complications with the birth so why does he need to be there anyway?  It’s not like he’s breastfeeding or anything, why does he need to stay with his wife when his first child is born when he has games to play??

And before i go any further, i have to admit i used to agree with them. When i was younger and even stupider i definitely had a very Alpha  Male mentality that would look down on men who showed any actual “feelings.”  What kind of pu$$y shows feelings?  Pu$$ies that’s who!

Except now that i’m older and perhaps a little more wiser i realize that is the DUMBEST way to look at things, and that maybe this whole macho era of male bull$hit is something that we as a nation finally need to get over.  It’s immature testosterone driven nonsense!  What is so “tough” about not crying or never showing emotion?  The letting it build up inside of you until you hit your wife and/or kids?  Or maybe it’s the extreme RAGE you get while driving?  And i get why little kids think and act this way, because most dads try to instill this way of thinking in them.  “Don’t play with girls toys!”  “You’re a man, men don’t cry!”  “Talking about your emotions is girly stuff, never do it!!”

And yeah, i always used to agree and believe with all of that stuff.  But now that i’ve been on this planet for a little while and i’ve seen some of the extreme highs and horrible lows that come with being a human on this planet i just cannot care about limiting boys and girls to any kind of behavior.  Why would we do that?  Why should boys not be able to wear pink, or girls wear a suit and tie if they want?  We have a limitless world of beauty and color and experiences that we all get to enjoy, why would want to limit any of that for anyone ever?

i just don’t get it kids, but i’m done playing by everyone else’s rules.  It’s peer pressure, nothing else.  If you’re a guy and you want to watch “Twilight” or any of the “Real Housewives” then i say go ahead and watch them! They are terrible and you will get nothing good out of watching them but if you like this crap then  f*cking watch them if you want!  And no, the point of this entire blog isn’t just about me trying to explain to you all that i want to watch “Real Housewives,” i f’n hate that $hit! Although it is bull$hit how everyone is turning on Lisa Vanderpump in Beverly Hills, Brandi was lucky that she even let her be her friend for crying out loud!!!

My point is who cares what people like and what they are into?  Stop all of this macho peer pressuring that has no place in any mature minds life!  You know how stupid it looks for children to fall to peer pressure when you are looking at it from an adults eyes?  This is no different, except that adults like to be blind to it because they are adults.  Well my eyes are wide open jerks, and it’s about time the rest of you grew up as well.

What’s worse is that Boomer and Carton are both parents, and for them to say the father doesn’t need to be around for a few days when their wife just had their first child makes me feel bad for their wives, and for any women in their lives in general.  If you don’t get that you need to be around for love and support for you wife, let alone your gddamn newborn you are a basically an animal in my eyes, or at least someone who doesn’t understand what this life is truly all about.  You think a baseball game is more important?  And a METS game at that???

But like i said to start all of this off i’m very offended at both of them right now.  Not at anything they said, because it never surprises me when dumb jocks say stupid male macho garbage.  Because what else do they know?  What offends me is that Carton is on a sports talk show even though he CLEARLY knows little to nothing about sports, and that Boomer comes off as some great NFL Quarterback when he was average at best and he easily has the most childish and stupid nickname is sports.  “Whoo hoo i’m BOOMER!”  Oh yeah?  Boom these nuts buddy.  And the New York Rangers suck and haven’t won a cup since 1994 and probably won’t ever again either because they are as overrated as you are.  Have a nice day!


-Do you want to know a real douche way to get a free drink at a crowded bar?  Of course you do, why else do you read this blog?  Anyways, here’s what you do.  It needs to be at a place that has more then one bartender and is preferably pretty packed.  A crowded bar in the city works perfect for this.  But what you do first is order just a club soda.  Or really any clear carbonated drink would work, like a Sprite for example.  Get it with a lime if you can, and if not grab a lime from the bar when they aren’t looking and put it in your drink.  Then you go to the bartender you didn’t order the drink from and go “Excuse me, i ordered a Vodka and club but they gave me a Vodka tonic.”

And almost without fail the bartender will just pour out that drink and make you a new one, no questions asked.  Except maybe “what kind of Vodka?” which where if you are smart you will reply Grey goose.  Because who has time to check these things?  It’s super busy and the bartender doesn’t care, plus it’s a simple enough mistake to make.  So it’s a foolproof plan and when you get your free drink don’t forget to thank me!  And also don’t forget you are a creepo lowlife who should probably not go out to bars if you can’t afford to drink at them.

– Did you all watch the third episode of my show “VHS Breakdown” yet?  If you didn’t you should watch it now because i know you love that movie.  So here it is!!

– One last thing on the men leaving for “paternity” leave thing.  My friend Mark G. actually went on leave from his job when both his kids were born, and i remember a bunch of us ahole guys making fun of him like crazy.  “Whoo hoo, i guess you’re going on MANternity!  Because you’re a man but you’re really a woman!”  And i said this because like i admitted before for the longest time i had a very immature outlook on things of this nature, and it was just easier to make fun of him for not being at his job when it’s obvious it was his wife who did all of the work having the kid!  But now i look back and realize i was the one who was a f*cking idiot, and if this guy was smart enough to get out of work and be with his wife and family while they were first starting then i was a real bag of douche to ever make fun of him and now i feel bad so i’ll say i’m sorry here even though he may never see this.   i’m not THAT sorry because i never really meant it meanly, it was just fun to make fun of him.  But that makes me part of the problem and no better then Boomer and Carton so that’s the last time i’ll ever do it, i promise!
But that only counts for making fun of him for paternity leave, i’ll still make fun of him for being short and loving that terrible band “Phish” because he deserves to get made fun of for those things!!!
“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for Video Games:  i don’t know who remembers the game “Mario Kart” but it’s one of the greatest games ever and it more or less ended a few friendships in my life.  No joke, i’d play the 4 player version (back when i had 3 friends) and we would race every track, every cup, and we’d curse each other out and yell and scream and talk $hit and it’d get super heated and angry and it was just really the most fun time ever minus the punching and kicking.
But whatever this Wii U nonsense is they are releasing the newest version of this game, and even though i would never buy this new video game system i do wish i could play this game and i’d also like to have 3 close friends again because that was fun.  And since that last part doesn’t look like it’s happening you should check out this video of the new Kart game to see what i’m talking about because it looks fun and trippy as $hitballs!  In a good way!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – When applying for a new job, it’s probably best if you don’t use your regular email address.  Make up one that uses a combination of your first and last name, like mjose85@gmail, or something to that effect. Companies are much more likely to get back to you when you use that professional email address then if you used your normal one, RIDEZHERHARD69@YAHOO.COM

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, and if anyone has any extra prayers to give out i could use some for my mother who has another surgery on Monday.  So wish her well and keep her in your thoughts because she could use them.
But thanks for reading, thanks for watching my show, and i’ll see you guys back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!!

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