"I’m bored" is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say "I’m bored." – Louis C.K.

1 Apr

THE BLOG WHERE i PITY THE APRIL FOOLS

What is up kids?

Holy f’n $hitballs it’s freaking April already??  What the F, why is time flying by so quickly?  Can someone please slow my life down for like a hot one already?  Or at the very least one hot minute?  i don’t even have any time to try and catch my breath!

Although now that i think about it, maybe life isn’t going by that quickly.  i mean it is only Tuesday, which means that it’s definitely not Friday!  And that is a horrible fact indeed…

But it doesn’t matter what day it is kids.  Time is relative and it doesn’t mean anything!  Except for Thursdays at 4:20 of course, because that’s when a new episode of VHS Breakdown comes on Blip.tv!  Speaking of new episodes, here is the movie that we will be breaking down this week, maybe you’ve heard of it…

And i’m excited for you all to see it!  i’ll give you a little heads up on this episode that no one knows about, “Weird Science” was actually the the first episode we shot for Season Dos.  So if we both seem a little “rusty” on this one then i would blame it on that little truth nugget.  But i still think it’s hilarious and it’s easily our best looking episode of the season so it’s got that going for us.  And Anthony Michael Hall is SO gddamn funny in this movie.  It’s gonna be a good one!

And no, this isn’t an April Fools prank.  That’s really the movie we’re going to review.  i don’t play April Fool’s jokes because it’s just amateur hour for comedians, and i’d rather try to make you all look foolish on the other 364 days out of the year instead.  Although i will give props to the money Krissy G, who posted something about being pregnant today on Facebook and IMMEDIATELY was flooded with texts and calls and Facebook posts from people who couldn’t believe it and wondered why she didn’t tell everyone!  i’m guessing cause it’s April 1st you fools!  Wow, that was kind of funny.  Maybe i should play a prank in my Random Nonsense today…

RANDOM NONSENSE

– Why don’t we as a society talk more about toilet paper?  Besides air and water, toilet paper has to be the next natural element that is most vital to our survival, yet there is hardly a discussion about the very substance that is to be used on our oh so soft behinds.

Call me an old man, but i am past the point of being able to use poor toilet paper.  If i use anything 1 ply or less it rips my ass cheeks to shreds the way a zombie feasts on human flesh in a “Walking Dead” episode.  Except for the fact that rough toilet paper actually causes more blood.  And i’m not saying all of this to gross you all out, i just want to open the floor on a discussion to what the best toilet paper to use is.  My buns deserve nothing less then the finest of fabrics and yours should too!!

– Did you all see the “E.T” episode of my show “VHS Breakdown?” If you didn’t see it yet you are BLOWING IT!  And in turn you should redeem yourself and go watch it here NOW:

VHS BREAKDOWN : E.T. the EXTRA TERRESTRIAL ON BLIP!

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for Video Games: Speaking of old school things, what if they combined Super Mario Brothers and He-Man and created a video game of that?  i’m guessing it would be the money!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE Is it not a classy move when you are at Chilli’s and get a margarita to just put a big straw in the jug it comes in instead of drinking it out of the margarita glass that everybody expects you to drink it out of?  What am i, the President?  Next thing you’ll be telling me that i need to wear pants when i’m sitting inside the restaurant! 

But for real, why sip that stupid glass when i can get right to the source?  i’d like to get that goodness in me immediately please!  And don’t judge me, i’m Mexican so if that’s how i drink a margarita you don’t get to tell me i’m wrong you honkeys!  Although if you are Hispanic and want to tell me what i’m doing is wrong please go ahead, i don’t speak Spanish and i know that i’m an awful human being.  But only brown people are allowed to tell me that, not all those other crackers because that would be racist. 
“Facebook Etiquette”-

And that’s it for me today kids! Oh wait, wasn’t i supposed to make an April Fools joke by the end of the nonsense today?  i guess i forgot and didn’t do it.  Oh wait, you were expecting one and i didn’t give a joke to you?  April Fools!   Ugh, see how stupid this holiday is?  This is why i don’t participate.  Hopefully you all enjoyed my regular jokes though cause that’s all you’re getting from me today! 
Alright enough of that.  Don’t forget to watch me review “Weird Science” this Thursday at 4:20 on Blip,and i’ll see you kids here on Friday with an all new blog!
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