When did fat became a disease where people feel bad for you? I’m watching Jerry Springer have a 1,000 pound man on… People in the audience, crying, “Oh my God. He’s a 1,000 pounds! What happened?” He ate. You don’t catch 1,000 pounds. Nobody stick you with a dirty needle and give you a 1,000 pounds. You eat. – Patrice O’Neal

25 Mar

THE BLOG WHERE I GET BACK TO THE HA-HA’S

What is up kids?

First off, i want to say thanks so much to everyone who watched the brand new episode of “VHS Breakdown!”  The responses have been overwhelming, i honestly cannot tell you all how much i appreciate it.  It makes me feel good because we worked really f’n hard on this season, so to hear all of your good words about our review of “The Karate Kid 2” really makes me explode with happiness in the front of my pants.

And oh yeah, if you haven’t watched it yet go watch it below ya lazy basterds!  And share it with someone who enjoys comedy for crying out loud!!!

Anyways, we had the MONEY time at our Premiere party last Thursday night.  i still can’t believe how many people showed up!  And we never watched an episode let alone two in front of a big crowd of people like that before, and i gotta say i could get used to it haha.  It definitely felt awesome to hear everyone laughing at the right parts!  Instead of me imagining the laughter in my head like always, pretty much the same way i do when writing this blog…

But we’re just getting started kids!  Our Season Premiere was EPIC, but i personally think this Thursday’s episode might be the best one we’ve ever done.  And yeah it may feel like i say that about every episode but whatever, you can lick my nutbag because it’s my show and i get excited haha.

So make sure you tune in to Blip.tv at 4:20 on Thursday to watch it, and/or check it out on our Facebook page at, “VHS Breakdown on FB.”  And oh yeah, if any of you are curious about what movie we’re reviewing this week it would be this one…


RANDOM NONSENSE

– So before all of you think that all i’m going to do is talk about my show on my blog from now on, let me instead ease you back into my regular ha-ha’s with the comedy palate cleanser known as Patrice O’Neal.  Consider this bit your lemon sorbet before my normal nonsense!

Thanks to comedian Dave Saitzyk for posting this genius on Facebook!

-How come whenever a child or adult has some hair sticking up on their head someone else HAS to call them “Alfalfa?”  Does everyone even know who that is?  Probably, because for some reason everyone knows that’s a “Little Rascals” reference even though that show hasn’t been on since 1918.

Anyways, my point is can someone explain to me how this kid from a hundred years ago has a stranglehold on the hair sticking up reference even though it happened before cars were invented?  i mean for real, it’s not an uncommon thing for a person to have hair sticking up.  Literally ANYONE with hair has had a piece stick straight up in the air from time to time.  Yet for some reason we’re still giving all of this credit to that little racist rascal.  That’s right, i said racist, because that show was racist as F*CK!  Look it up and learn why Bill Cosby bought all of the episodes and never replays them on television.  Because they’re racist.  And now you know.

-By now you’ve all seen the amazing cartoon that Jim Kohl made for me which is the official image of “VHS Breakdown Season Dos” but did you all know he does a comic strip as well?  You should, i’ve talked about it a bunch of times throughout my years on this blog.

Look at that sexy beast!  That picture makes me go from 6 to 12 in my pants EVERY TIME!  Anyways, he does two strips online all based around beer.  There is “Happy Hour” which takes place at a bar and “The Brewery” which takes place somewhere i think, possibly a brewery.  Actually it takes place anywhere involving beer i just thought that sounded funny.  But my point is that the comic he made last Wednesday on “The Brewery” was not only beautifully drawn it had a great meaning as well, driving home the point on how stupid it is that some states do not allow gay people to march in the St. Paddy’s day parade. And in turn major beer companies like Guinness and Sam Adams pulled out their sponsorship which just really makes me feel better about life.  Just like Jim’s comic!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why don’t people use their turn signals when making a turn while driving?  Besides the fact that people are selfish reckless aholes who deserve to die in a horrific car accident i mean.  i guess this mostly happens in New Jersey, but i gotta assume these c0cksuckers are all over the country.  Do you realize how f’n easy it is to use your signal?  And what a big difference it makes to the other drivers on the road?  Of course you don’t, because your a self absorbed bag of douche and when someone crashes into your car hard from behind because you are too much of a piece of $hit to use your blinker i hope you get paralyzed.

And i hope you’re on your cell phone with your family at the time, so that when this happens they can hear you scream in agony as your spinal cord is crushed and your body becomes a useless sack of $hit because you couldn’t use your turn signal or shut your f’n yapper while driving.   And when your spouse leaves you to be with someone who can satisfy them sexually which you obviously can’t do anymore, i hope there is one part of you that realizes “hey, maybe if i just used my blinker when making that turn, and maybe if i could drive 5 minutes without having to talk on the stupid phone and run my stupid mouth about nothing i wouldn’t be where i am today.”  And then i hope you have a painful heart attack and die.  HAPPY TUESDAY!!

Fast Food Tips – i think potato skins are the most overrated appetizer ever.  “What miguel?? You don’t like cheese and bacon and sour cream on a potato??”  Yeah yeah they sound and look good in theory, but for the most part it’s always way too much potato and not enough cheese and bacon.  And you know what potatoes they use to make these?  The ones that don’t look good enough to serve on their own with real meals, so they cut em and douse them in garbage so no one knows how awful they are.

Well i do, and i’m not buying it.  I’d like the same appetizer but instead of potato rejects could i just get the cheese and bacon and sour cream on french fries instead?  You know, the potatoes that you have that actually taste good on their own?  I can eat french fries with just ketchup but when i eat potato skins i always need them covered in crap.  Why is that?  Oh i know, because the potato part of potato skins is garbage.  If you’ve ever ordered potato skins without cheese and bacon and sour cream i can see your point about it being a good appetizer, otherwise it’s all the other stuff you dig and i’m the one whose smart enough to point that out.

And that’s it for me today kids!!  i hope everyone has a great week, but more importantly tune into Blip this Thursday to catch the next episode of my show!  i GUARANTEE you never look at ET the same way again!!

Cya Thursday on Blip at 4:20!!  Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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