Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick’s Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? – Kent O’Brockman "The Simpsons"

14 Mar

What is up kids?
It’s almost St Patty’s day!  Which means i’m going to do a power hour at 8 am, take a 9 am train into the city and get into a fight with a woman who got mad at me for making fun of Mexicans even though i am Mexican. “My husband is Mexican, you shouldn’t say things like that!”  Are you kidding me lady? i’m Mexican! i can say whatever the f*ck i want about them!!!
And your next question should be, “What things were you saying about Mexicans, miguel?”  And i’d like to tell you that i have a clue.  i’d like to tell you that.  But i was one drunken basterd at the time. i mean i had just did a power hour and drank on the train starting at 8 am for crying out loud!!!  Because honestly, how else are you supposed to celebrate St Pattys day besides dressing up in all green and becoming a drunken disaster?

Speaking of which, before i go any further everyone has to know the rules on St. Patty’s day.  Well wait, i’ll take that back.  There is only one rule to follow, and it’s not to eat those awful corned beef and hash sandwiches or actually like Irish music.  The only rule that EVERYBODY has to follow is to wear Gddamn Green!  i cannot stress this enough, and it doesn’t matter if you’re a minority, you still have to wear green.  Whether your skin is brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian.  Name is miguel from the Zulu Nation.

But yeah you need to wear green and honestly, wear as much green as possible.  You just look like an ahole if you’re not wearing green, like the jerk off who goes to a Halloween party without wearing a costume because he doesn’t want to look “stupid”.  Although he’s such a dumb ass he doesn’t realize that it is NOT wearing a costume that makes him look like a f*cking idiot and makes him stand out even more and get all that attention he was trying to avoid in the first place! 

But i gotta be honest kids, that story about me on that train happened a LONG time ago.  2007 maybe? Maybe 2005, who knows.  All i know is i don’t put on performances like that anymore, or if i do it’s when i go camping with my whack job college buddies.  And yes, college happened a long time before even this story happened in case you’re trying to keep track of how old i am.  But that also means those cats have been my boys for a LONG time, and that is something that makes me proud and happy.  And horny.
So while i won’t be joining on everybody on getting bombed on green beer until i’m throwing up lime colored vomit all over the streets of the Pearl River parade for the third year in a row, i may head to Colorado where it’s 100 PERCENT LEGAL to hang out with the only green you REALLY need on St. Patty’s day…


– Speaking of green, if you haven’t bought a Nutri Bullet yet then you are not getting the nutrition that you need and you are an unhealthy ahole and you are going to die a slow painful death.  Well alright you might not be in that bad of shape.  But still, everybody should run out and get one of these contraptions ASAP!!  This monster of a blender doesn’t just process all of the healthy foods that you put inside, it PULVERIZES everything from Chia Seeds and Kale leaves and Flaxseed and whatever other wacky health food items the media has convinced you that you need, and it helps to release all of these super foods true potential!

And that’s not even the best part, the best part is it takes 3 SECONDS to clean it once you’re done!  This isn’t one of those giant blenders that you use once and then spends the rest of the week soaking in the sink.  You will use this item over and over again, so get it and get healthy and thank me when you do!!

-i’ll never understand people who watch “horror” movies.  Mostly because every single person who loves them always tells me how not scary they are.  So then what’s the gddamn point of watching them?  All you ever do is watch these so called “scary” movies and then say you never get scared.  Do you also watch comedies when you don’t feel like laughing? Do you put on hot milf porno when you want to get RID of a boner?  What’s next, are you going to sign up for a gym, pay $20 each month and then never go for 2 years like i did?  You horror people either need to start being scared by these movies, or at the very least start switching your tastes to another genre.  Like horror comedy!!!

“OLDSCHOOL” NONSENSE- i couldn’t imagine going to the gynecologist.  i mean obviously i don’t have to, i’m saying if i were a girl and all.  i feel like i have enough trouble going to the doctor and doing the whole turn my head and cough business while he holds my balleens.   Actually, do they still do that?  i haven’t gone in forever, mostly for that reason.  Anyways i could barely handle that, if i walked into a room and saw STIRRUPS???  i’d be like LATER DICKS!

Fast Food Tips- In honor of all those stubborn, thick skulled alcoholic Irish, for a limited time only Shamrock Shakes are available at McDonald’s! These minty flavored delights are delicious and are only around when it’s St. Patty’s day so don’t delay and make sure you get one while you can!
Alright i’ll admit that was a pretty weak FFT today.  So let me throw a real literal nugget of wisdom at you, literally.  The next time you get super bombed, and then you order McDonald’s late night and pass out in your own disgustingness.  And then you wake up the next morning and take your “day after drinking all night” deuce.  If your load happens to be Green, do not panic! Because i know you see green poop and you want to call the hospital right away.  But don’t forget you had that Shamrock Shake last night and that is the real reason your crap is green.  Probably.  And i know a lot of you think this is disgusting.  But this tip would have helped me out a LOT the other morning when i was calling an ambulance to come get me because i was “ill” and that green blood was coming out of my anus.   So if i help out just one person from this tip then gddamn it i consider my job done!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend and an even better St Patricks day holiday.  If you survive Monday make sure you come back here on Tuesday when i’ll be doing my last blog before the season premier of VHS Breakdown Season Dos!!  The premier is less then a week away, i can’t f’n wait!!!

Cya on Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

One Response to “Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick’s Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? – Kent O’Brockman "The Simpsons"”

  1. Anonymous March 14, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

    I heard hemp seeds r better for u than chia seeds but that's kinda obvious.


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