That’s what I love about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age. – Academy Award Winner Matthew McConaughey

4 Mar

THE BLOG WHERE I HALF ASS THE OSCARS

What is up kids?

So did everyone enjoy the Oscars?  And by enjoy i mean did you make it though the entire thing without falling asleep and/or changing the channel?  You know for such a huge celebration of the amazing work Hollywood puts out year after year you would think they could find some writers who actually compose these masterpieces to figure out a way to make their Oscar show a little less boring.  i mean honestly, selfies and pizza delivery?  That’s the craziest stuff they can come up with?  And the funny thing is that everyone is going nuts over the selfie that’s posted above when there was a much better and more interesting selfie taken by 3 incredible people just last week!

But despite the Oscars being a snoozefest i am a fan of Ellen and i’m glad she did a decent job hosting.  She was one of my favorite women stand up comics growing up, mostly because she was one of the only woman comics who didn’t make nonstop jokes about how dumb and awful men are.  Not that men aren’t dumb and awful and shouldn’t be made fun of,  i have no problem with women bashing men as part of their comedy routine.  But back in the 80’s and 90’s that is ALL they did, and it was very unoriginal and boring and it was rare to find someone like Ellen who was just generally FUNNY.

Although it is hilarious to me that the reason she didn’t make fun of men was because she was and is a Lesbian and is all about beautiful women and not disgusting hairy penises! That was something 8 year old miguel jose wasn’t smart enough to figure out about 1980’s Ellen that’s for sure.

Speaking of Ellen being hilarious, “12 Years a Slave” won for best picture and the reason it won was explained perfectly by Ellen during the monologue…

Possibility number one: ’12 Years a Slave’ wins best picture,” she said. Possibility number two: You’re all racists. – Ellen Degeneres

Anyways, i barely saw any of the pictures nominated so i really didn’t care about the Oscars that much.  But i will say it is NONSENSE that Leo got snubbed for the Oscar YET AGAIN, even though it’s possible those other performances were just as good and i can’t compare any of them since i didn’t bother watching them.  Leo is an ANGEL and it’s about gddamn time they give him an Academy Award just based on his eyes which are so blue that they might have been the Iceberg that sunk the Titanic. If you jump i jump Leo!!

But yeah that’s all i gots on the Oscars, and that’s all i have in general today really.  i am still recovering from the performance i put on Saturday night, and if i’m being honest with you kids i am still pretty hurt up.  i definitely can’t party as long as i used to back in the day, but i can sure party as hard.  And i can tell you i was super hard Saturday night!  Wait, that sounded wrong.  What i meant to say was that i had a huge rock hard boner all weekend and i partied hard! Wait, that’s even more wrong then what i said wrong the first time!  Why would i get a chance to redeem myself and then blow it even worse about being hard?  Wait, i’m saying it wrong again!

Alright enough of that.  And enough of this stupid Frozen movie that i will never watch and/or listen to that stupid song.  It is meme’s like the one below that makes me glad i’m not a parent.  Happy Tuesday everyone!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– i saw this on the Interwebs and i don’t know how true and/or accurate this is but i thought i was cool so i’m showing you guys in hopes that you feel the same. i’m probably wrong.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Are there people on this planet that STILL don’t have EZ pass?  Apparently there are, because every time i’m flying through a tollbooth i look over and see those fools paying with cash or digging in their seat cushions hoping they can find enough change to pay that toll.  Or at least that’s what i think they are doing, it’s kinda hard to see when i’M DRIVING BY SO F’N FAST THROUGH THE EZ PASS LANE!  Honestly people, grow up already and buy one! Traffic is already the worst thing EVER, you want to make it worse by adding 30 minutes to every toll stop?  i’m already 4 exits ahead of you and you’re still waiting to make change out of your twenty dollar bill.

 “But the government tracks people by checking their EZ pass!  i don’t need Big Brother watching over me!”  Really?  That’s what you think? For real, relax Edward Snowden.  i honestly love these people that are so paranoid about the government watching over them 24/7.  They are so self important, do you really think anyone, let alone the government gives a flying f*ck what tolls your driving through in your beat up Jetta? Relax Panicky Pete, no one including myself or the government are watching over your pathetic life.  Trust me, your life is not that exciting, and you as a person are not that interesting. So stop acting like anyone cares what you do, stop fooling around with change and using your GPS to avoid tolls and just get an EZ pass already!!!

– And while we’re on the subject of people getting snubbed by the Oscars i’d like to throw Gary Oldman out there as someone who keeps getting DOUCHED by the Academy.  All of these amazing performances and you haven’t found a way to give him the trophy yet?  You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Fast Food Tips – If you didn’t already know, and unless you’re a fat ass like me you probably shouldn’t but it’s National Pancake day!  So yes Jewell, we go to pancake house.

And to celebrate National Pancake day IHOP is giving away a free short stack of pancakes to all of it’s customers!  There is ONE small catch though, and that’s that even though the pancakes are free they still hope you make a donation to some cause i am too lazy to look up.  So you can eat the pancakes for free but you’ll probably end up shelling out more duckets to be nice to a cause that really needs it then if you just went in and got pancakes on any regular day.  But as far as being screwed when getting a deal this is one time that getting screwed will feel really good!  It’ll feel so good that the front of you pants will be covered in a sticky goo, called syrup!

Wow, that is it for me today kids.  i swear, sometimes i write these blogs and they just flow through me like a case of stale Natty light after a night of boozing hard.  But this was a little rough today because like i said i am still hurt up from the weekend.  Hopefully i made you kids laugh though, and hopefully you will be back here on Friday when i have a brand new promo for “VHS Breakdown” to show you.  It’s a look at our brand new opening for Season Dos and i think you guys will dig it.  So come back Friday and let me know!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter 

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One Response to “That’s what I love about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age. – Academy Award Winner Matthew McConaughey”

  1. Anonymous March 4, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

    I'm fucking hungry now, you know.

    Yeah yeah. I'm sayin' we can stop, get pancakes and then we'll get laid, alright.

    Like

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