The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. – Robert Frost "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"

28 Feb

THE BLOG THAT I WROTE DESPITE HAVING ZERO SLEEP DUE TO INSOMNIA

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s barely up, and that’s your sleepy narrator.  And even though i’m writing this on only a couple hours of sleep i am STILL dropping Robert Frost quotes for you to start your Friday!  That’s pretty gddamn impressive if i do say so myself.

Although speaking of impressive, the greatest comedy i’ve ever been a part of is FINALLY ready to come back, which means the new season of “VHS Breakdown” is premiering on Thursday, March 20th at 4:20!!

That’s right kids, in Season DOS of VHS Breakdown you can expect more 80’s, more movies, and even bigger smashes!  If you haven’t seen the new promo yet here is your chance to watch it and “like” it and share it now!!!

And i gotta tell you kids, i’ve seen the first 3 episodes of the new season and holy $HITBALLS it’s the best stuff we’ve ever done by FAR!! And i really do love our first season and think it’s amazing in so many ways, mostly due to Rob and the magic he does with his editing. Although it’s really not magic, it’s actually hours and hours of hard work on his part when all i have to do is look sexy and be funny.
But this season is just so much more epic then last season. It looks better, the jokes are bigger, and even the movies we are reviewing this season are so much funnier. “Speaking of which, what movies ARE you guys breaking down this season buddy?”  Wow, you finally asked a question nicely for once!  Although i’m still not going to tell you, you’re gonna have to wait until March 20th to find out!  “See, this is why i never ask nicely you fat tub of lard.  F*ck you for not telling us what movies you are doing!  Why don’t you kiss my ass and lick my taint you awkward on camera talent motherf*cker!”  
Ouch, that was rough.  i’m going to distract everyone from that hurtful insult with a funny meme my boy Bill put on Facebook.
Although speaking of distractions i gotta be honest kids, its 4:11 am on Friday as i write this because i am having the worst anxiety insomnia lately and instead of laying in my bed trying to sleep unsuccessfully for the last few hours i instead decided to clean my room and then start my blog even though my head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds and i’m hurt up from throwing up pizza and beer into the toilet only a few short hours ago.  So if today’s blog doesn’t make sense and comes off as a little “insane” then i’m going to have to ask you to give me a break on this one like i have so many times before…

So instead of me trying to make up a rant when i so obviously have nothing, maybe it would be better if i just get to the “Random Nonsense” instead of even attempting to pretend my brain is functioning on a human level right now?  That seems like the right move even in my current state and that’s what i’m going to do, so please enjoy the laughs and enjoy your weekend and whatever you do don’t worry about me or the hearty sobs of pain that you hear coming from your computer that is just me losing what is left of my mind!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So i feel like this next bit shouldn’t even need to be said, but people are stupid and apparently they need to be told everything.  But do all of you realize that if you see and/or know a mother who has 3 beautiful healthy boys that maybe it isn’t the smartest thing to say to the mom, “Wow, 3 boys?  i bet you wish one of them was a girl!”   And you shouldn’t say that not only because it makes you an ignorant ahole who doesn’t understand how hard being a mother is, but more importantly you shouldn’t say it because that’s not what they wished for.

What every parent actually wishes for more then anything is that their beautiful angel would be born healthy and happy and have no diseases or deformities or anything wrong with them.  That’s all you can hope for when you are going to be a mother, and to wish for anything more then that is just foolish.  People don’t seem to realize that having a child is not a right by any means, it’s a privilege.  And to downplay that fact by acting like the mother who was carrying this baby inside her womb for 9 months was not hoping and praying their baby would be born healthy like all mothers do, but instead would be unappreciative or somehow less happy if their healthy child wasn’t a girl like “they always pictured in their head.” That chain of through is bull$hit and it’s just plain wrong, so stop being such uneducated fools and think before you speak such nonsense to a child’s mother.  Because what seems like an “innocent” question to you is really a way for that mother to hate you forever.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – As far as greeting cards go, they really need to come out with a “Belated Wedding gift” card already for the love of Christ.  i mean honestly, I’M not the one getting married!  Just because YOU’RE in love and you have all of this money to shell out for a wedding, all of a sudden I’M supposed to have enough money to give you for a gift???  It’s bad enough i had to shell out all those duckets for your bachelor party, and/or tuxedo for the wedding, and the hotel room, or if you’re a girl the dress and makeup and hair.  And the worst part is you don’t even want to be in the wedding party because you hate all of her friends and the dresses she chose for us are ugly and you barely know the bride anyway! 

But after all of this, NOW i have to give you a wedding present worth at least a hundred or so bucks if you live in the NY/NJ area, probably more?!??  Well i have no problem giving you a gift, just let me wait a few months when i have some money in the bank.  Is that too much to ask??  Sorry that i love you and want to be a part of your special day and i just happen to be a broke a$$hole.  Although you know what would make this entire process easier?  If they had belated wedding gift cards!!!  See how i brought that all back together??  No??  Ugh, you’re the worst…

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Hamburger Option”

Alright that one wasn’t mine, it was actually used in an episode of “Portlandia” which you should know by now is one of my favorite shows. And i’m guessing zero of you would have caught that i stole that, but like i say i always give credit where credit is due.  Which is a saying i stole from Dante from Clerks….

And speaking of Portlandia for the hundredth time in 8 straight blogs, i finally got to meet Fred And Carrie!  And i also got them to autograph my Portlandia Activity Book and it was just so incredible to meet them and tell them how funny they are and how much i love their show and how it’s the most original comedy on television and to thank them so much for that.  i don’t usually get nervous around celebrities but Fred and Carrie are so gddammn funny and inspire me in such an amazing way that yes i can admit that when i met them i popped in my pants, and that the crotchal region directly in front of miguel jose jr aka “Big Papi” was covered in pop, so much so that a moist towelette was needed to clean up said pop.
And now that i let that image ruin your lunch here are some images of me meeting some of my comedy idols to cleanse your pallet! 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – If you take any type of sleep aid to go to sleep, whether it be Tylenol PM, NyQuil, Ambien, 3 bottles of wine, Meth, etc., i mean the options are endless.  Anyways, if you are debating taking something to help you go to sleep you really have a small window of when to take it.  Because you don’t want to take it at 8 pm and be out by 8:15 for the night.  i mean you’ll miss all your shows, plus you have just spent all day working.  Don’t you want to be awake for a few hours to enjoy the little down time you have?

 But you also can’t wait too long and then take it at midnight or 1 am when you can’t sleep because then you’ll NEVER get up.  i’ve made that mistake plenty of times before, and then when i wake up feeling refreshed and rested and then notice my alarm isn’t going off and i have 3 messages from work wondering where i am and then i realize i blew it.  So if you’re gonna take a sleep aid you really need to make a firm decision way earlier in the night and stick with it because if you don’t you will blow it.  And since we all know girls are the worst ever at making decisions let me guess, you blow this one all the time?  “That’s what she said!”  Copyright Michael Scott.

And that’s it for me today kids!  Holy S balls i’m not sure how i got this one done today but i’m glad we can finally start our weekend!  “We know how you did it miguel, you reused 2 to 3 “Oldschool Nonsense” bits and half assed your way through the rest of it promoting your show “VHS Breakdown!”  Well played, i guess i do know how i got this one done today.
But i promise to come back stronger then EVER with an all new blog on Tuesday, and by stronger i mean i will write a blog having more then 2 and a half hours of sleep!  So have fun, enjoy the Oscars and “The Walking Dead” on Sunday and i’ll talk to you kids next week!!
Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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