You want a prediction about the weather? You’re asking the wrong Phil. I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life. – Phil Connors "Groundhog Day"

25 Feb

What is up kids?

Speaking of kids, has anyone heard about the new Kansas law some lawmaker introduced that would allow teachers to spank kids hard enough to leave marks on them?  And not just teachers, it would allow parents and anyone who is a caregiver of a child to be able to spank these kids and not get in trouble for it.  Currently the law only states that children can be hit but no marks are allowed to be left on the child, but this new law would allow up to 10 strikes of the hand that could leave redness and/or bruising.

You can read more about the proposed law HERE if you want to learn more about it or don’t believe me. But now that i have established that this is a real thing and actually real life, i feel like now is the perfect time to say ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME????   And here is also where i tell you i think it’s completely wrong to hit your children, and i’m doing so not being a parent myself.  So if you’re on the other side of the fence on this issue prepare to be outraged because i’m about to tell you why you are so wrong on this issue.  Wrong and IGNORANT.

NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HIT THEIR CHILD!  There i said it.  And i said it growing up in a family that was a big fan of hitting their kids.  i mean are you kidding?  Hispanics are notorious for hitting their children.  And i don’t just mean getting hit with the back of their hand or even a wooden spoon, i’m talking about getting hit by the belt.  When i was extremely young my dad used to tell me to go to his closet and get his belt when i was being bad,  and after i brought it to him he would hit me with it.  In fact, that is one of my oldest memories that i have as a kid, and that’s when i was FINALLY old enough to realize, “You know what? If he’s going to hit me with the belt then HE can go get it himself!  i may be only four years old but i’m smart enough to realize that this getting the belt that i’m going to get beat with stuff is BULL$HIT!!”

Although let me just say that last part isn’t 100% true, because my parents never BEAT me with the belt.  They hit me with the belt and there is a big difference.  i used to think it was okay for parents to hit their kids but it is never okay to BEAT your kids, and i was never beaten no matter how much i deserved it or how much my parents probably wanted to do so.  And i did and still do love my parents, and to me it always made sense to hit your kids if they deserved it.  And up until recently i always believed that i was going to hit my kids if and when i had any. What else am i going to do, these lame “time outs?”  What soft, pu$$y stuff is that???  How are kids going to learn unless they are scared of being hit??  By sending them to their room with all of their toys and their computer and Iphones and video games?  What type of punishment is that??

So i guess being able to hit your kid is the only answer, right?  And even the bible tells you to “Honor thy Father and Mother” and “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” even though the bible never really states that last part people just think it does.  So even God almighty is telling us we should hit our kids, who the hell am i to question GOD????

Well besides the fact that everything in the bible was written by people and not God himself (or herself, who knows?) i’m going to question all of this right now, because i think hitting your kids is BULL$HIT.  i think parents who hit their children are bullies and cowards, and they would rather act with violence then learn how to parent and teach their kids.  They are taking the easy way out, and they are letting their own anger and insecurities drive them to this by using poor excuses to reason to themselves why it’s okay to hit children when deep down inside they know it’s wrong and they are getting as far away from God’s teachings as possible.  Because first of all, they are just f*cking little kids!!!  Of course they don’t know better, they’ve only been on the planet for 10 minutes!!!

Don’t give me that miguel jose!!  These kids DO know better!  They know what they did wrong, they disobeyed me right to my face, and they deserve to be punished!!!”  Hey, i’m not saying what they did wasn’t wrong,  i’m not even saying they shouldn’t be punished.  In fact, i hate your kids.  i think they are ugly and i don’t think they are NEARLY as special as you make them out to be. i also think they’re loud, obnoxious, smelly, and quite frankly there are too many of them on this planet.

 But it’s not their fault that they are here, and they never do anything where they deserve to be hit by an adult.  Another kid maybe, but not an adult and definitely not by their parents.  And i say this as a kid who was hit myself!  Like i said before, i had weekly meetings between the belt and my heiney, and i can say i probably deserved most of them.  But being a parent was different then, and they didn’t have the internet and the wealth of information on how to teach children that we have now.  Because now we know that hitting children sparks aggressive behavior later in life, and we know that time outs are scientifically proven to have more positive outcomes then spanking your child.

But people don’t want to hear that.  All they know is that they were hit growing up and they turned out “fine” so they are going to hit their children.  Which is a great way to stay the status quo and never evolve as a person, but that’s not how i want to live my life.  Learning that hitting your kids is wrong is something that happens to people and a culture that evolves and constantly takes in new knowledge.  People learn that they were making mistakes and then do their best to change a mindset that has been around for as long as we can remember.  Well, some people do.

And i don’t expect to change anyone’s mind on this topic, because i know the parents that hit their kids are just going to keep doing so.  All i want to do is bring to light the fact that you are a bully, and if it makes you feel good to bully your kids well then good for you i guess.  How are you not a bully?  You are beating and hitting someone who is ridiculously smaller then you who cannot defend themselves and in fact is not allowed to hit back.  Isn’t that the definition of bullying?  And do these same brave parents discipline their 18 year old college football player son who is 6 foot 4, 295 pounds of pure muscle? My guess is those parents never hit that kid, probably because if the kid hit back they would be on the floor and most likely even in the hospital.  So yeah you don’t seem to find the need to “teach” your older bigger kids by spanking them, only the small defenseless ones whose brains aren’t even formed enough yet to understand the lesson you are trying to teach them.
You know when i will say it’s okay to hit your kids?  When society says it’s okay for me to hit people who hit their children.  You want the right to hit your kids just because you’re their parent and you want to teach them?  Then let me “teach” you lesson about being a parent.  The only thing that makes you qualified to be a parent is the fact that you were lucky enough to have sex one time and you either dropped or received a nice load of sperm in between your legs.  That’s it.   You didn’t take a test or study for any classes to be a parent.  You and your girl f*cked and then 9 months later this precious angel popped out, a precious angel you now want to hit.  And because of this you’re saying that you are qualified to be able to spank a 4 year old?  Alright fine, if that’s your logic.  But my logic says if i see you doing so i’m going to punch you right in the mouth, and then spank you in front of all of your friends because you deserve it more and will at least understand what is happening to you.  And if you don’t then who cares, at least with two front teeth missing you might think twice before you bully a child in front of me.
And oh yeah, if you’re still clinging to the bible on why you should be allowed to spank your kids then this quote about the 4th Commandment from George Carlin is just what you need…

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period.  – GEORGE CARLIN

-Speaking of spanking, some of you may need to discipline your own personal monkey after seeing the latest Kate Upton pictures in the new Sports Illustrated.  Apparently there is some cool story about how they filmed these pictures in zero gravity and there is some crazy science that is going on in these pictures.  But the only science i’m interested in is how i’m going to list the technical term for the “boooooooWHIP!” sound my junk makes when seeing these pictures into the periodic table of elements…

p.s. Thanks to Albin and everyone else who sent me these Kate Upton pictures before i even saw them on the interwebs.  The fact that people think about me when they see Kate Upton is a fantastic thing and everyone should keep doing so!!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i think the song that they sing in “Toy Story 2” when the girl doll Jesse tells her story about her owner growing up and not needing her anymore is one of the most depressing things i have ever heard in my life.  Do you remember that heartbreaking nonsense?  It’s sung by Sara McLachlan, who you know sings those horrifically depressing songs for the ASPCA.  i remember being in the movie theater thinking that i was going to start BAWLING in front of all these kids.  But in this scene this little doll tells a story of her life growing up and being another little girl’s best friend, until her owner grows up and goes to college and leaves her childhood doll in a box at a garage sale as the doll watches her friend leave her forever.  Some of the lyrics go,

 “So the years went by, I stayed the same.  And she began to drift away.  I was left alone, still I waited for the day when she’d say, “i will always love you.” Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way, She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do. Like she loved me, when she loved me…

So yeah please pardon me while i go hang myself to the thought of this children’s cartoon.  And if this video doesn’t make you cry you must be one of those parents who hits their kids!!!

-Speaking of “Toy Story” this next bit is all over the Interwebs right now but apparently people are just finding out that Andy’s mom in the Pixar movie “Toy Story” is also the same little girl who owned Jessie the Cowgirl in “Toy Story 2” who grew up and eventually abandoned her childhood toy.  Which is a fact that is SO insane i don’t think my brain can handle this new information.  You can go read the story HERE but once you realize this truth i won’t blame you if your mind gets blown!!

Oh and for the record, the saddest scene in movie history is from “The Lion King” when Simba sees  his father lying there dead on the ground and he climbs under his arm for one last hug.  Once that scene started i was like “here come the waterworks”!  There’s a reason “Hakuna Matata” starts 5 seconds after that scene is over, they need to cheer up a room full of crying kids immediately.  And a crying miguel jose apparently.  Damn you Scar!

-While i’m on the depression kick i guess here’s as good as time as any to say Rest in Peace to Harold Ramis who was a comedy icon.  From “Stripes” and “Ghostbusters” to directing the funniest movie of all time “Caddyshack” and the amazing Bill Murray comedy “Groundhog’s Day” this man truly helped shape my sense of humor and it’s definitely sad to say goodbye.  But thank you for all of your comedy and i know you will not be forgotten soon.
-Alright before i make this my saddest blog of all time, let me cheer you all up by letting you know that the new Beck album “Morning Phase” comes out today!  If you’re like me you had already preordered the album and listened to the entire record for free while it was streaming on NPR’s website.  But if you want to do something to make your ear holes smile today then go to Itunes and get this record because it’s beautiful and touching and just an amazing piece of work.  You will thank me later!

-You know, all of a sudden that oldschool Nintendo game “Super Mario Brothers” is starting to make a whole lot more sense to me…

And that’s it for me today kids!  This blog was definitely pretty intense and sad, which is funny because that is not how i’m feeling at the moment.  If anything i’m in a fantastic f’n mood because me and my girl are going to see Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein from “Portlandia” live in the city tonight!  And a new Beck album came out today, life couldn’t be better!  But this new Kansas law definitely fired me up and i felt the need to go off on it so i did and i hope you enjoyed the ride!
But i’ll be back on Friday with an all new blog, plus some BIG news on Season Dos of “VHS Breakdown.”  So i’ll see you kids back here then!!
Cya Friday! @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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