Told Ben NOT to buy me a dozen red roses for Valentines Day. Spending that much money on a plant you can’t smoke seems absurd. #priorities – Erin L

14 Feb

What is up kids?
It’s Valentine’s Day!  Which i’m sure you know already if you’ve watched any television, been on Facebook, checked your Twitter, heard the radio, looked at your phone and/or are just awake in general.  And since i know you all love me so much i’m going to treat myself as a gift from you my faithful readers with the gift of re-posting a rant i posted two years ago!  Thank you SO much everyone!  This gift is way better then chocolate and roses!!!!
But i’m re-posting this rant for a couple of reasons, and yes the first and main one is because i’m lazy as F*CK.  No, it’s not just that. i mean of course it’s that but it is also because i’m just not feeling that great today. i’m guessing it’s because i spend every other day shoveling 14 inches of snow off of the sidewalks and my driveway and because none of my neighbors with a snow blower ever want to help a brother out.  So for some reason i’m a worn out ahole who’s head and stomach just haven’t felt right all week.  And yes my vagina hurts as well, shut up.  But for real, ENOUGH about the snow!!  i’ll let everyone else talk about that on their Facebook statuses nonstop.
But the real reason i want to re-post this rant is to see how bitter i was back then, before i was lucky enough to find the girl i am with now.  It’s funny to see how i was still hanging on to past bitterness and relationship baggage that kept me from being a whole person.  All i know is that if i wrote a new rant about Valentine’s Day now it wouldn’t sound nearly as depressing as this one, because now that i found my soul mate i just look at the world much differently…
But no one wants to hear about my happiness!  Especially today, because i know when i was single and miserable i f’n hated hearing about how happy everyone was on V-Day and it made me sick.  So enjoy some of the writings from an awful and bitter miguel jose, and also an extremely hilarious and sexy one as well!
     – Anyways, i kinda hate Valentine’s day.  Although when i think about it, doesn’t everyone kinda hate Valentine’s day?  Even people in relationships hate Valentine’s day.  It’s way more of a hassle then it’s worth.  You are SO much better off going out to dinner the day before or after Valentine’s day.  Who wants to make a reservation 16 months in advance just to be at some over crowded, over priced restaurant where the service and food won’t be that great and the amount of aholes packed into one room suck out all of the romance?  Not i.  Not me.  Not miguel.  
And what about flowers and candy?  i guess i don’t mind that part, i actually dig buying flowers for girls.  i mean yeah on their birthday and stuff like that, but more so i like to get random “Thursday” flowers or the “meet you for lunch at work and surprise you with flowers then” kinda flowers.  The “obvious” flowers are definitely good and usually still appreciated, but but random surprise flowers definitely increase your fellatio factor for that following evening.  It’s true, i’ve done studies.
But maybe the real reason this holiday heats me up is because on Valentine’s day everything is so FORCED, which to me is always a big turn off.  i feel like flowers or a gift has so much more of an impact when it’s unexpected, so just the fact that everyone is expecting stuff on that day it’s not as special.  And when i say everyone i mean women, cause let’s be honest guys don’t expect jack $hit on this holiday.  Trust me ladies, we appreciate it but there is definitely no need to get us anything and if you do you are just wasting money.  Seriously, you’re the girl. Just get your flowers and candy and say thank you.  We really don’t want anything so just enjoy what we get you and for real don’t waste money on us. There’s no need.  
But let’s also not forget those people who don’t have a Valentine on this horrible day, the single people. Some people are so lonely and depressed that they don’t have anyone on Valentine’s day that they don’t even realize how happy they should be to enjoy the feeling of not having to waste all their money on flowers and roses and dinners or God forbid jewelry.  These pitiful fools sit at home by themselves, listening to love songs as they go through old pictures of their ex before getting in the bath tub with a razor blade wondering if they should release their pain through the veins in their arms.  But instead they usually just chicken out and end up crying and masturbating in the shower till the hot water runs out and their roommate keeps knocking on the door to see when i’m getting out of the bathroom when i clearly said i would be awhile!  
What the F am i even talking about???  i’m just trying to say Happy Valentines Day to you my friends.  This holiday is mad gay, but there’s usually a decent amount of chocolate around the office so that’s a bonus at least. Plus it’s not so bad to hang out with the significant other once in awhile, even if it is forced.  And who knows?  Maybe your girl would be down to do something cool like order pizza and watch an “Arrested Development” marathon. Alright fine, no one is that cool.  But how about ordering Italian and watching a romantic movie like “Before Sunrise” or “True Romance”? Those are about the most romantic movies i have ever seen by the way, the Notebook is silly nonsense compared to those two films.  
But yeah whether your date tonight is with your boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or husband, OR whether you have a date with a bottle of  sleeping pills and vodka i hope you all have a great day.  And if you aren’t lucky enough to be with someone today never forget that the majority of people in relationships hate this holiday too, so if you are miserable today at least you are in good company! 🙂
-So in case you didn’t believe me here is PROOF that the filming for VHS Breakdown: Season DOS is in full effect and that we will have the release date for the start of the season soon!  i promise!!!!
 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – It’s Valentine’s day, so i’m sure a bunch of guys out there bought their women some sexy lingerie.  But there was always something about girls underwear that i found funny, and it’s the fact that some girls get SO nervous if you see them in it.  And i’m not talking about that sexy g-string, thigh high gown with the see through top.  Obviously it’d be a little embarrassing to be caught wearing that by Ron in the next cubicle over from you.  i’m saying in general, if a girl was in her bra and underwear and a guy walked in on her she’s be like “OMG get out of here!” and it’d be a big scene and just awkward for everyone involved.  
However, if you saw the same girl on a beach and she was wearing a two piece bikini she’s just be like “Oh hi guy, nice weather we’re having on the beach!” And the guy would go “Sure is, enjoy your lovely day!  i might get some ice cream!”  Alright fine the dialogue would probably be better then that, but my point is she wouldn’t care at all if he saw her wearing that because it is perfectly acceptable to talk to the man in a 2 piece bikini on the beach.  So basically my question is, if i see you in a bra and panties and/or i see you in a bikini,  ‘WHAT’S THE F’N DIFFERENCE?!?!?”  And i’ll answer this for you, there is no gddamn difference. And whatever, i could care less.  If girls are gonna be uptight about being in a bra and panties around me but are down to wear bikini’s i’m not gonna complain.  So yeah hooray for bikini’s!  They are the money.  
A Great Name for a Goth Band!  “Source of Chagrin” 
Jay John came up with that and said it was more Goth then Punk.  What do you guys think?
“Facebook Etiquette”-
– And now for the most romantic Fast Food Tip ever….
Fast Food Tips –  If you didn’t already know and if that’s the crave case shame on you, White Castle has a special Valentines day dinner at their restaurants to make today the most romantic day ever!  White Castle is oozing with so much love and fat and grease that they even have two different promotions to push how romantic a night at White Castle can be.  My only question is which ad is the MOST romantic?  Is it this one?
Mmmmm the steam, the passion, the hot, little BUNS!  i feel like i’m reading “Romeo and Juliet” because that might be the most romantic thing i’ve ever heard!  At least until i saw this ad….
Holy cow!!  Am i watching, “The Notebook?”  Make this Valentine’s day “hot and steamy?”  Are they talking about at their restaurant, or are they describing what your bathroom will feel and smell like once you get home?
Either way, whether you’re going out to eat at White Castle or spending hundreds of dollars at an expensive restaurant all that matters is that you do it with the person you love.  And i spent so many years being alone that it’s nice to not only have someone but be with the one person on the planet that i’m supposed to be with.  So even if you’re depressed and lonely today, just know that it is possible to find the person you love and when you do you’ll be able to post silly and sappy romance stuff on your blog the way i do now!!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks so much for reading, and feel free to share this blog with your friends and/or enemies on Facebook and/or Twitter or wherever the hell else you share things on the Interwebs.  i’ll love you all for doing so, the same way i love all of you for being my faithful readers week in and week out!

So have a great Valentine’s day, and even better weekend, and i’ll see you kids back here next Tuesday with an all new blog!

Love you guys!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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