The Winter Olympics? I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that, the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What’s it cost to go skiing — $900 a day? I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities. – Daniel Tosh

7 Feb

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s time to start pretending that we all watch the Olympics!  And that it’s patriotic to do so!  U S and A! U S and A!  Oh wait, that’s right.  NOBODY CARES

Or some people care i guess, but not as many as they would like us to believe.  There are definitely some people who get fired up over this nonsense, although we all know how everyone really feels about this.  And that is the fact that the only Olympics anyone even remotely cares about is the Summer Olympics.

And i mean i guess some people do watch these Winter Olympics.  Although can someone tell me what event is even worth watching besides hockey?  The luge?  People may pretend there are other reasons they watch the luge but we all know the not so secret truth…

And i know some people like to watch bob sledding but let’s be honest, the only country that we care about in that event is Jamaica.  Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme.  Get on up, it’s bobsled time!!  COOL RUNNINGS!!!
Personally the only event i care about is watching the ski jump.  That $hit is crazy!!!  Although i think it’s going to be hard to beat Japan this year, rumor has it one of their best athletes has taken over the sport and it may be impossible to beat him for the Gold…

But yeah if you’ve caught on by now you’ve realized that i don’t really have anything to say about the Winter Olympics, which is why i’m hiding behind a bunch of funny meme’s that i didn’t make up myself in this rant just to get through this.  And does anyone care that i did this?  i’m guessing the answer to this is the same as everyone’s feelings towards these stupid Winter Olympics…


– How is that we don’t talk more about anxiety in this country?  Is that not the worse feeling EVER??? And are there people that don’t get that feeling?  What are they, Superheroes?  That almost doesn’t seem fair, i can’t imagine what it would be like not having to deal with that feeling in my life.  It’d be like not having to worry about money or paying bills ever, although to me that at least seems somewhat possible.  i mean who knows, maybe i win the lotto!  Or maybe someone realizes how f’n funny and smart VHS Breakdown is and hires me and Rob and makes us millionaires!  That COULD happen!  But not having anxiety seems impossible, at least not without the help of some serious drugs.  And with my addictive personality that’s not something i feel like testing out at the moment.  So instead i’ll just be sitting here an anxiety filled mess hoping someone picks up my show.  i can dream, can’t i?

That episode has almost 3000 views!  F’n crazy stuff.

– And now to someone who is an even fatter loudmouth then me…

Can we now all agree that Chris Christie is a lying piece of $hit and his entire cabinet was made up of bullying aholes?  Please?  No?  i mean i guess i get it, there’s always going to be some of you diehards that will continue to defend him.  i sure as hell know a bunch of people in New Jersey which is the state i live in voted for him, because he won with convincing numbers despite my going out to vote against him and for his opponent Barbara Buono.   Do any of you even know who she is?  i don’t know who she is either but i knew she wasn’t Christie and that was good enough for me.

Anyways, whether it be closing down a bridge for petty revenge or withholding Sandy funds unless he received the favors he desired, if there is one thing that is clear it’s that Christie is 100% DONE as far as his race for President goes.  It’s really no question, because even if none of these controversies ever came out he was still never going to win a general election within his own party.  How could he?  Do you think Republicans in the South would ever vote for a big fat Jersey loudmouth?  i mean yeah they won’t vote for Hillary either, but she still won’t make them leave their houses to vote for any of those “Yankees” from up north. Especially a big bag of Jersey douche like Christie

But it’s fun to watch this unfold, it’s fun to watch him squirm and lie every time he does an interview, and it’ll be even better when some really juicy evidence comes out that he won’t be able to defend against except for the idiots that will never doubt him for some reason.  And you know what?  That’s what he gets for going after the teachers and making them his scapegoats.  That’s what he gets for being a mean person, and if he really did withhold Sandy funds i hope he gets arrested and put in jail because that is really the lowest type of scum on the planet.  Go F yourself guy.

-If you didn’t see Bill Nye the Science guy debate Ken Ham about Creationism over Evolution then you should really take the time and do it this weekend.  Maybe don’t watch it this second because it is over 2 hours. But if at any point you feel like enriching your mind and opening yourself to some amazing knowledge about the world that you otherwise would have never known about then you owe it to yourself as a human being to check it out and let me know what you think.  For once, don’t do this for me.  Do it for yourself.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Hey super skinny guys with a high metabolism… go f yourself.  “Whoo hoo i’m a guy but i can eat whatever i want whenever i want and i’ll still stay built like an 8 year old girl!”  And yes that’s almost kind of hot.  But honestly, us real men hate you.  And they are always so judgmental, like when then see people eat garbage food they always shake their head in disgust.  Listen you skinny f*ck, you won the genetic lottery as far as metabolism goes.  If i had to choose between that or being fantastic in bed like i am i’d rather keep this spare tire around my waste and make sure my lady goes to sleep satisfied every night.  You enjoy your skinny jeans and looking good in a t-shirt at all times and i’ll stick to love making and other things i’m good at.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE PART DOS – i could never marry a girl who doesn’t give bl0wjobs.  Do those kinds of girls still exist? i’m guessing they have to, there’s all sorts of nutty broads on this planet.  But yeah for real, zero bjs?  You are definitely not getting a ring from me.  Or maybe i would marry her but i would definitely end up cheating on her. With a girl who gave bl0w jobs.  Maybe she could marry one of those super skinny guys and they can have awful children together.  See how i brought that last joke back into this one?  That’s called a callback, and it’s usually done better and funnier and normally the guy making the callback doesn’t explain it while he does it.  Normally.

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend, i have a friends wedding tomorrow so i know i’m going to have a good time.  But hopefully we don’t get douched with snow too bad, because the couple getting married are the money and they deserve a nice day.  So good luck Megan and Kenny! You probably don’t even know i write a blog but i dig you guys so much i’m still going to give you a shout out on it! 🙂

One last thing before i bounce, yesterday was truly the end of an era and i wouldn’t feel right if i didn’t at least mention it.  Not that i ever really watched his show, but i did grow up knowing Jay Leno and even though he didn’t really make me laugh on the Tonight Show i always respected him as a comedian and he seems like a decent enough guy.  But last night was his last Tonight Show ever before Fallon takes over, so what more fitting way to end today’s blog as well as his over two decade run as the host of “The Tonight Show” with a sincere heartfelt….


Cya Tuesday for an all new blog! and Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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