Sometimes when i’m feeling down, because nothing seems to be going right, i like to take a home pregnancy test. Then i can say, "At least i’m not pregnant!" – Daniel Tosh

17 Jan
Thanks to the Batistas for finding this hilarious picture!

What is up kids?
i’ll tell you what’s up, i gots NADA today.  Mostly because i’m exhausted from beginning the filming of “VHS Breakdown: Season DOS!”  i mean yeah i know i make doing the show look easy and sexy.  But those are REAL power hours and real shots that i do during filming.  Basically what i’m saying is i’m a method actor, and i deserve to be at least nominated for a Golden Globe.  Oh well, maybe for Season Dos! 
But yeah i’m still recovering from “filming.”  And by filming i mean drinking about 10 beers in an hour, ordering and eating a bacon Sicilian pizza from Tommy Turvinos and then throwing it up all later that night to the point that all of the blood vessels popped in my face and i looked like a big blotchy bag of douche.  And at least that look carried over the next day to when my girlfriend saw me and said, “Oh God what happened to your eye? And your face?!?!”   
But yeah back to my original point i’ve got nothing today.  And who even cares, it’s gddamn Friday!  i’m fired up to go out to a happy hour tonight and get $HITTY once again, and all of you should be fired up for the same thing too.  No, not for me getting wasted you silly geese, i’m saying YOU should all be getting fired up to go out to a happy hour yourself!  Oh wait, you can’t?  Because you’re too old and you’re not cool anymore?  And you’ve just accepted the fact that your life is over and there’s no reason to even try and relive the fun you used to have?  That’s cool i guess.
What’s not cool though is that after re-reading my last blog i realized i not only talked about Chris Christie a lot but i also posted a bunch of pictures of him without posting any pictures of Kate Upton to balance off the awfulness.  So to redeem myself and to start this weekend off right i am going to post a picture of Kate that might even make “Here Comes the Money…” Facebook page co-creator Jay John actually believe in God, the almighty creator!!
And i know that when some people look at that picture of Kate that they fall in love, and they feel as though they found True Romance.  But that’s not True Romance, this is True Romance!  


-So i’m pretty deaf.  In fact, i’m a deaf basterd.  And it’s the WORST.  i never know what anyone is telling me, and even when i try to listen most times i can’t follow because i can’t gddamn hear anyone.  And almost every time instead of just telling people i’m deaf i try to play it off and make non committal responses in hopes that they will just stop talking and that they will have zero follow up statements or questions.  And it also probably doesn’t help that i usually don’t care what people are saying, i’m sure that factors into it as well.  But i’m deaf and i also have an awful short term and long term memory and my vision ain’t too great neither, so i just want everyone to know that i’m old and my body is breaking down and it probably won’t be too long until i’m dropping a “LATER DICKS!” on this planet for real!   Or maybe it will be, who knows?

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Tom Fooleries”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Can someone tell me what the deal is with girls always falling for their dentists?  i swear, every girl i know has a crush on their dentist.  i had trouble figuring it out for while, and at first i thought maybe all dentists must really be that hot.  But now i’m thinking, maybe it’s because for once the girl just has to sit there and shut their f’n trap, and now that they are finally made to listen to someone else talk for once instead of just running their silly mouth.  Then they realize “Wow, this guy is so interesting!  i think i want to bang him!”  No darlin, this is what happens when you actually have a conversation with someone instead of just waiting for the person to stop talking so you can run your mouth again with nonsense that no one cares about.  So it’s either that that makes them fall for their dentist or the nerve gas i think.  It’s one or the other.  

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- How come there is no medicine that tastes like candy?  i don’t mean candy “flavored,” because they do have candy flavored medicine and they all taste HORRIFIC.  i mean some aren’t God awful i guess, and Advil tastes like chocolate for a hot second unless you suck on it too long and taste the medicine and you want to throw up everywhere.  But how come it hasn’t worked out in life that there weren’t aspirin that tastes like a Boston creme donut, or a cough drop that tastes like a Snickers?  If i’m being honest that is the stuff that really makes me believe in a God, just how everything works out that way.  Like how everything that is awful for you is the most delicious thing in the world ,and how everything healthy tastes like my ass after i research these items on my Fast Food Tips.

And on top of all of that everything healthy is SO expensive. Which when returning to my original point, i would be fine paying for these high prices if they just tasted like candy instead of ass!   Oh well, i’ll just eat this bag of Cheetos and pretend it’s medicine i guess.

Fast Food FACTS:

And that’s it for me today kids! Like i said it’s Friday and i gots some boozing to do, so i hope you all enjoyed today’s blog and have a great weekend as well!  If you want to help me have the money weekend you can always share my blog with friends, because to be honest everytime i see someone share my blog on The Facebook it always makes me happy.  But it makes me happy just to have you guys read my ridiculousness, so just keep doing that and i’ll see you kids back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!

Cya Tuesday! Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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