Who is the man coming down your block? It’s me you see with the funk in my walk. Cause I’m doin’ just what I like to. Today is my day yeah, and I’m a get nice too… Beastie Boys – "The Maestro"

10 Jan

What is up kids??

i’ll tell you what’s up, i plan on getting $HITTY this weekend!  i’m talking doing a power hour with some Natty light, playing some beer pong, and finally deucing myself to no end before i pass out.  And did you notice that i didn’t include eating late night White Castle in that last little diatribe?  That’s because i’m on a diet suckas!  And like my boy Rob always says there’s food in the beer, there’s no beer in the food.

Really fat boy?  We’re supposed to believe you’ve almost made it into the teens of January on your diet?  i mean none of us believe it but even with you lying that must be some kind of world record for you!”  Hey, eat me ahole!  Or eat my ahole, whatever you prefer.  And although you would NORMALLY be right with that last comment, for once i think i’ve kicked this binge eating of horrific food thing for good, or at least for the present time.  So lay off me i’m STARVING!

Do you all remember that Chris Farley bit from SNL, back in the day where him and Spade and Sandler did the “Gap Girls”?”  You should remember because it was f’n hilarious but if you don’t here is a 26 second clip of that from Youtube.

But yeah i’ve been pretty perfect on my diet so far and i FINALLY feel like i’m going to stick to it for once. Mostly because as fun as it is to be fat and just eat whatever delicious food that you want…  well now that i’m here i really don’t know how to end that sentence.  Because it IS fun!  It’s fun and delicious!!  Why have a grilled chicken sandwich on wheat bread with no mayo when i could have an open faced corn beef and pastrami reuben piled high with sauerkraut and Thousand Island dressing with seasoned curly fries covered in cheese and homemade gravy?  How f’n good does THAT sound???  i know how good, my penis just did his first “booooWHIP!” of 2014!  So it sounds that f’n good!!!

Benny’s in Fair Lawn is the best place around!  It’s like a deli and IHOP on steroids!

And while it’s true that i loved every second of that incredible run of horrific for me foods that i went on it is sadly time to say that’s enough, it’s time to start eating healthy once again.  Although to be honest doing so is really not that bad.  i dig grilled chicken, and i’m a huge fan of fruit.  Pineapple is the f’n money!  i buy one of those $2.99 cored pineapples from Shop Rite and go to town on those bad boys.  And green Granny Smith apples are the gddamn MONEY!!  If you eat healthy all day and give yourself a treat of one of those delicious balls of goodness you’ll be a happier person!  And yes, “delicious balls of goodness” was my nickname in college.  C’mon WOLK!!

But yeah i hope everyone has a great weekend.  After being negative 5 degrees on Tuesday it’s going to be over 50 and rainy tomorrow.  Probably because unlike dry land Climate change is a myth!  And speaking of climate change i feel like the temperature is just right to start drinking so i think i’m going to go start my binge now with a cold Natty, because that’s how i keep it classy.  Happy Friday everyone!!!


-So for the record i started writing my opinion on this whole Chris Christie debacle.  But it was getting too long and that’s what she said.  So instead of trying to squeeze in a bit about that fat ass here, i’ll instead just make it my rant for Tuesday’s blog.  Sound good?  No?  Yeah, i guess you’re right, it doesn’t sound good.  It sounds f’n great!!!


Why do i watch movies on TBS or TNT when i own the DVD? Oh i know why, because i love long commercial breaks and zero cursing and nudity

-Someone needs to design a “healthy” hangover food already.  Like a quinoa tofu salad made from bacon and fast food meat dunked in grease and fat.  And yes i get if you made it like that and dunked it in that stuff it wouldn’t be healthy anymore, that’s why i said someone else has to design it!  Because i can handle eating healthier, what i can’t handle is not drinking half a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and playing 3 best of 7 games of beer pong 4 times a week and dealing with the hangover i get afterwards.  And trust me, that may be a lot of calories but i make up for it by not eating food and the exercise i get while playing beer pong.

But my life would be a million times better if when i woke up puking and filled with anxiety and shame that i could also have a greasy disgusting breakfast sandwich to make me feel better that was also healthy. Can someone get on that please?  Thanks!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Hey people who call out “sick” from work, when you come in the next day you don’t have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you’re still really sick to convince us.  We didn’t believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don’t believe you today.  And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway.  We all saw you post that Facebook status saying “At the mall for Christmas shopping!”  Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend.  Or when you tweeted “What a great day to have off!”  We all know this and we all don’t care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish.  

But when you come in the next day acting like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn’t move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you.  So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine. 

Fast Food FACTSTaco Bells “Taco Salad” has more then 52 grams of fat. So if you thought it was a bad idea to go to Taco Bell and eat a “healthy” salad you are correct!  Although it is funny that their slogan is “Run for the Border” when even if you ate just their salads you’d be too fat to run anywhere.  But i guess that’s why Chris Christie swears by them!!  Oh wait, he swears AT them not by them, just like he swears at teachers or anyone else he bullies. My bad!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks to everyone who has went and liked my “Here Comes the Money…” Facebook page which is now at over 200 MEMBERS!  That is f’n crazy!  And i only have 5 family members and 6 friends total so that number is just amazing to me!  And thanks again to Jay John for helping me make it the moneyest page around.
But i gots some drinking and partying to do, and as soon as you get out of work you will too.  So enjoy your weekend no matter what the weather and i’ll see you kids back here on Tuesday!!
Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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