It’s Not…

7 Jan

THE FIRST GDDAMN BLOG OF 2014

What is up kids???

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s the first gddamn blog of 2014!  And i gots some BIG things planned for my blog this year, as well as for myself to be honest.  So i hope everyone is buckled the f*ck up!  “Oh really miguel?  You made some New Years Resolutions that you’ll never stick to?  How unoriginal and lame for you!”

Well it’s nice to see you’re still an unhappy and bitter ahole, person who constantly reads my blog and comments despite the fact that you hate me.  It’s nice to see you bright and early in the new year!!

But while 2013 was literally one of the greatest years of my life as far as having fun and doing everything i ever wanted as far as relaxing and releasing almost 10 years of Corporate stress from my brain it’s time to get back to work and that starts NOW! And yes this process should have started months and months ago.  But whatever, i’m starting it now and that’s all that matters.  Just like that diet i started on New Years day that i’ve still been sticking to so far!

Well it didn’t actually start on New Year’s day, because who starts a diet on New Years day?  You are obviously super hung over from partying the night before, and it is IMPOSSIBLE to eat healthy food when you are hung over.  Even doctors say that the best cure for a hangover is a taylor ham, bacon egg and cheese with salt, pepper and mayo on an Everything Egg bagel with a gallon of ginger ale.  And if respected doctors are saying that is a FACTUAL cure for hangovers who am i to disagree with them???

But the diet has started, as has Season 2 of “VHS Breakdown” which i know a bunch of you never think is coming out.  Which makes sense, mostly because i’m a lazy procrastinating a$$hole who never gets anything done.  But i have at least half the season written and once the temperatures creep back into double digits i believe filming will FINALLY be starting so hopefully by the end of this week or beginning of next week.  So if i had to guess you will be seeing the much anticipated second season of “VHS Breakdown” coming by the end of February or beginning of March, i promise!!

But for real, i plan on getting my act together this year and i have to say i’m pretty excited for it.  i can’t stress how fun this last year of my life has been enough, but i am motivated to start working for something more and i can already feel the changes started to sink in.  And i’m just motivated to work in general, so if anyone has got an idea for a new job that doesn’t suck my balleens feel free to give your old pal miguel jose the heads up!  My talents include being hilarious, being a decent but funny writer, i smell fantastic and i watched all of Season 4 of “Breaking Bad” in one day.  And oh yeah i also have a psycho stalker who reads and comments on every single one of my blogs even though i don’t acknowledge that she’s obsessed with me so you know my talent is in demand!!!

So i hope everyone stays warm out there today.  i don’t know how you couldn’t, i feel like every time i hear another dumb comment about how cold it is my temperature raises in anger with how unoriginal most people on the planet are.  But i guess not everyone can be super funny, and not everyone can write a comedy blog.  Luckily for you i’m not one of those people!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-If you need to buy a calendar for your work or for your home, NOW IS THE TIME TO DO IT!  i always wait until right after the new year because once it hits January all calendars go on sale for 50%. And don’t get me wrong, they are still pretty expensive.  But whatever, if half off is the best i can do i will take it.

But make sure you take your time when deciding on what calendar to get!  If you make a mistake buying one there is NO going back!  It’s not like they sell calendars all year round and you’re going to buy a new one in March.  Most likely whatever calendar you get you’ll just stick with it because even if it sucks and is not funny it at least has the date on it which is kinda all you need.  So pick out a good one and go get one soon, if you wait too much longer all that will be left will be the ghetto calendars.   Oh and for the record if they are out of Justin Bieber and One Direction trivia calendars then you can blame me.

-Dear people who don’t think they should extend Unemployment benefits… you do realize that the people who are on unemployment have paid into that program, right?  People don’t just get that money for being unemployed, you get that money because while you WERE employed you paid taxes into that program, so just in case you lost your job you would have some money to keep you afloat.  And not even all of your money, it’s not like you get paid the full amount you were getting while you were actually employed.  It’s just money to help pay your bills and feed your family while you are out there looking for another job.

See, i would like to think that most people who are against unemployment benefits don’t know these facts.  But the sad truth is i’m sure they do.  These people know it but just don’t care, and they don’t care because a huge faction of this country only believes in Capitalism and looking out for yourself.  Which is fine i guess, but when you look at how well the stock market is doing, and when you think about all the crooks on Wall Street that work with the banks who stole BILLIONS from the American people and who were never held accountable for it, and how NOBODY went to jail even though if a regular person (minority) mugged someone for 20 bucks they would most definitely get some jail time.  i get that you are okay with all of that and would rather bash the people with no jobs who are literally collecting just a pittance of the huge amount of taxes that they have all already paid instead of going after the top 1% who collects ALL of the wealth in this country.  i get all that.  i think you’re wrong, and i think your opinions and anger are so misguided it actually hurts all of humanity on the planet.  But i do get that you think that.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!– “The Jibber Jabbers”

No?? i dig that one.  But since it’s the first blog of the year i’ll drop another one for your lucky behind!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!– “The Oopsie Daisies”

Right?  That one is definitely money.  And extra points to anyone who gets what movie i saw that gave me this idea!

-Before i go any further, i wouldn’t feel right unless i once again thanked my boy Jay John for keeping the “Here Comes the Money” Facebook page one of the funniest and most interesting places to be on the Interwebs.  And i can honestly say that i myself have been pretty shocked when i see some of the stuff he posts, but then again i am someone who enjoys being truly “shocked” because that means i just saw something that stimulates my mind grapes which is always a good thing.

So thanks to JJ for making sure my FB page is the money!  And also thanks to my boy Bill Hatton who doesn’t directly contribute to my blog or Facebook page but who has probably noticed i steal a TON of stuff that he posts on Facebook, mostly because he also finds some super funny and original things that i constantly “borrow” from him.  So thanks to both those guys and hopefully they keep up the great work for me!

And oh yeah if you haven’t “liked” my blogs Facebook page yet what the F are you waiting for, go check it out now!!!  Here Comes the Money Facebook Page

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i think it’s bull$hit that people who have kids get to call out of work or leave work early all the time. “Boo Hoo my kid is sick!  i need to leave and take care of them and then call out the next few days! And who knows when i’ll be back!”  Oh yeah?  Go f yourself!  It’s not fair that because of your poor life decisions i have to do extra work while you go home and take care of your “sick” kid.  You should have probably though of that before you brought that sick bundle of nonsense into the world.  Either get a full-time sitter or a nanny or quit your job because you obviously can’t do both. 

And no one ever argues that excuse.  Everybody’s always like “Oh, you have a sick kid? Cya later!”  While i’m always in the corner like, “F that, it’s f’n horse$hit!!!  You spread your legs and shoot out a sickly baby and call out and that’s okay with everyone, but if i call out because i did a Cabo Wabo power hour and ate Taco Bell afterwards and am a $hitting and puking disaster on the bowl everyone looks down on me?  F you you judging aholes.  Either it’s okay for both of to leave for no reason or it’s not for either of us, what’s fair is fair. Oh by the way my “baby” is lonely and needs my attention immediately.  And by baby i mean my beer pong table.  So yeah i gotta bounce, later dicks!”

Fast Food Tips – So i’ve given up Fast Food for 2014 but luckily for you that doesn’t mean i won’t be dropping mad Fast Food tips on this blog all year!  And to start i want to show you a deal that everyone can afford, even people who aren’t part of the 1%.  And that is the Wendy’s spicy chipotle burger and chipotle chicken sandwich that are both on the dollar meal!  That’s right kids, all you need is $4.20 and you can get two of each sandwich, or 3 chicken sandwiches and 1 burger, or just 4 burgers if you want!  The possibilities are endless!  Well not really, i guess i pretty much listed them all except for getting 3 burgers and 1 chicken sandwich.  But regardless this deal is MAD cheap and if you’re going to kill yourself with awful Wendys food then you might as well do it spending as little money as possible!!

And that’s it for me today kids!  This was blog #272, which means i’m getting closer and closer to blog 300.  Is that enough to declare me legally insane yet?  i’m not positive it does but i guess we’ll find out.

But i hope everyone has a great week, it’s supposed to get up to human temperatures by the end of the week so hopefully you can get through today and then people will stop complaining about the cold weather even though it’s winter.  But bundle up, stay warm, and i’ll see you kids back here on Friday with an all new blog!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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One Response to “It’s Not…”

  1. Lats baby Lats January 8, 2014 at 3:01 pm #

    Thinking about a job? Hmmm, let’s see what would you be good at, um, I got it! How’s about a blowJOB?! Your lats are perfect for it.

    Like

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