Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, didn’t come from a store. – Dr. Seuss

20 Dec

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s almost Christmas!!  And i gotta say i’m pretty fired up this year, mostly because i think i got the money gifts for people.  Although it helps that i’m an older gent, because me and my family have totally decided to do a grab bag instead of buying each family member a gift.  Because who can afford to do that???   “Oh, i don’t know miguel.  Maybe people with real jobs who think ahead and buy gifts for the people they love because they are caring and not selfish aholes like yourself?”  Oh yeah, those people.

And i’m not even saying i’m done buying gifts for people yet, because i most certainly am not. Unfortunately i need to go shopping today, over the weekend, and probably even Monday and Tuesday.  Not at the mall or anything, i’m not a complete psycho.  But i’m not smart enough to think ahead and remember all of the gifts for all of the people i need to get gifts for.  Because unfortunately being a sexy Hispanic who is ridiculously funny and charming doesn’t always translate to being the most smartest, and that means every Christmas i’ll have some last minute shopping to do.

Although one thing i don’t have to do is make a “funny” family Christmas card and/or video to send to my friends.  Because that is how everyone judges people in society once you hit your thirties, and that’s by how funny your annual Christmas card picture is.  And i’ll be honest, i think about 1% of cards i see are actually funny.  And that’s being generous.  And yes i’ll admit i’m a tough judge, and yes most of them are done by white people which automatically means it will be pretty lame.  Case in point, the video card called “Christmas Jammies.”

Have all of you seen this piece?  Not to totally ruin the Xmas spirit but this video below makes me want to hang myself.  And not just hang myself, i want to poke out my eyeballs with a hot poker.  Player. Maybe Phil Helmuth.  But i want to gauge out my eyes and then i want to take a pair of rusty scissors and jam them into my ear drums.

But maybe i’m being too harsh, you tell me…

If you made it longer then 4 seconds into the video then you did one second better then i did.  UGH, F’N KILL ME!!!  Is that not child abuse to put your children through that torture?  And i don’t care if it looks like they are having fun, those children are going to be made fun of for the rest of their lives.  Sure it might only be by me, but i will be relentless!!

But i’m not kidding, i can’t stand this video. i don’t think it’s cute, i hate every single person in this thing, and if any one of my “friends” made this and sent it to me for Christmas i would literally never talk to them again or even pretend that they existed.  In fact, by the time i was 4 seconds in i would have deleted them off of my Facebook.  And no, i don’t mean hide them on my News Feed.  i mean i would straight unfriend their a$$.  And not just that, i’ll unfriend anyone who admits they even liked watching this video. Later Dicks!!!!

No, i won’t do that.  Because i know some of you find this lame a$$ $hit funny.  And it’s called a “sense” of humor because that’s what it is, a sense of what’s funny not a fact.  i’m pretty sure the comedian Dennis Miller described it that way so here is me giving credit where credit is due.  But he was right, and i understand that even though i think that video is pathetic garbage i get that some of you may find it funny.

And you may be wrong about that, and by may be i mean it’s a fact that you are wrong and i question your ability to know what good comedy is.  But i don’t hate you for that, and i won’t unfriend on Facebook for that either.  Consider that my Xmas gift to you all.  Merry Christmas dicks!


– So i hope everyone has a HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  i say happy holidays to people, because some people get mad if you don’t say “Merry Christmas!” So based on that alone i say happy holidays.  Because who f’n cares about any of that stuff?  Is that really what you want to take a life stand on?  With the top 1% keeping ALL of the money in this country, and racist politicians who doubt the President was born in this country because he’s black. Or with ZERO being done in this country over gun control, even though more and more people are dying every day.  And for some reason (money under the guise of the Constitution) this is the one issue in this country that you can literally see the death count grow and grow and yet nothing is done about it ever…

And people saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS! is what bothers you so much?  Alright fine, you can fight that battle if you want.  But my guess is you’re the kind of person who gets mad at a million other things, and you are just adding this non controversial greeting into your mix just to give you another thing to be upset about.  Just a thought.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- So it’s that time of year again!  No not Christmas you silly geese, i mean the time of year where i get f*cking “shocked” by EVERYTHING i touch!  Does anyone else go through this?  Every car door, anytime i come into my house, or open the door to go downstairs or to the bathroom.  Every gddamn time i touch ANTYHING that has even the slightest bit of metal in it i get a huge f*cking shock and i light up like a gddamn Christmas tree.

And i f”n hate it!   Do you know how bad i feel that every time i go to my car in the winter i have to open the door like a pansy because i’m so scared of the shock i’m going to receive?  Because i hear that’s what real men do.  Real men like my father, who is a Marine who married my mother who is also a Marine and together they have 5 children.  My dad’s the kind of guy who when he opens a door he just sits there and kind of bats it like a kitten playing with a ball of string, careful to not get shocked so bad that he yells out a womanly “OW!” once his finger hits that metal.

Oh wait, that’s not my dad.  My father is a real man who isn’t afraid of heights.  i was thinking of myself, because i’m a big sandy vagina who watches “Sex and the City” and deserves a beat down.  That’s who i was thinking of.

And for the record, anyone besides Harrison who gets the reference of that picture above is the best person ever.  Just sayin.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- If you find a person’s wallet or purse somewhere, like say they leave it at the bar or you find one in a cab or something, isn’t it just assumed that whatever cash is in there is the reward for returning the bag?  Like does everyone know this, because i feel like they should.  i mean obviously you don’t want to be a dirtbag so you want to send back the ID’s and credit and debit cards and God forbid keys if they leave those behind as well.  But the cash that’s in the wallet?  They can just say “Later Dicks!” to those duckets because they know they are never seeing them again.

And i wouldn’t even explain that to the person, i’d just assume they knew i took it.  And if someone found my wallet and didn’t take the cash i’d almost be insulted. And i’d also be scared, because what kind of weirdo wouldn’t even take the cash?  Are there people in this world that are that good and honest?  i hope not, and if there is i don’t want to meet them!

Fast Food Tips – This Saturday, while you’re driving around like a maniac buying all of those last minute Christmas presents that you totally forgot about until now, make sure you stop by Sonic to pick up a HALF PRICED milk shake! This way when you suck down a delicious Chocolate holiday mint shake and then you get stuck in God awful traffic and your colon is filled to the brim with Sonic shake and you know you’ll never make it home to your bathroom and by accident you release a little “holiday cheer’ into your undershorts you’ll have me to thank!

Fast Food Tips DOS- This is my last blog until after Christmas, so consider this extra Fast Food tip to be my present to you.  Quick Chek is the best convenience store on the planet, and they proved it once again with their new Buffalo style Jack n Blue cheese strips, which are basically buffalo mozzarella sticks.  They sell 6 for $1.99 and charge 50 cents extra for hot sauce but trust me you’re gonna wanna get that because it’s the MONEY.  i don’t know why it took mankind so long to figure out how to make buffalo mozzarella sticks but Quick Chek finally figured it out and did it and they’re delicious and you should get them so do it!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Only one more blog left in 2013, and that will come to you next Friday.  i’m taking off Christmas Eve, and then after next Friday i won’t be back until Tuesday, January 7th!!!  It’s f’n CRAZY it’s going to be January soon, and i can’t believe there is only one blog left this year.  But that’ll be my Year End Spectacular so you’ll DEFINITELY want to come back next Friday for that!!!

But have a great weekend, have an even better Christmas and i’ll see you guys next week for the last blog of 2013!!

Merry Christmas!!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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