You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ’em just cheat on you. – Silent Bob "Clerks"

17 Dec

THE BLOG WHERE I’M SICK

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, you’re all gonna get a different blog then the one i had planned for today.  “Wait, do you mean today’s blog might actually be funny and make us laugh?”  Hahaha nice one ahole.  Go F yourself!

No, that’s not what i meant.  What i meant was i had an entirely different topic planned today based on today’s quote, but i don’t have the energy to write the blog i really wanted to.  And no it’s not because i’m hungover for once, even though i have been deucing and barfing and straight up punishing the bowl to no end these last few days.  But this time it isn’t because i did a power hour of lukewarm Natural light while eating White Castle and doing shots of Jose Cuervo “Cinge.”

This time it’s because i’m straight up sick, like as in having the flu, like as in sand has gotten into my vagina and it burns it BURNS!!!

But yeah for real i’m mad sick and it’s crazy hard to write this right now.  i’m the kind of sick where you can’t even remember what it was like to feel better.  Like i can’t even imagine what it must feel like to breathe normally or for my head to not weigh 500 pounds and my throat to not be constantly throbbing and reminding me that it’s there.  And yes that’s the same feeling i get when going down on guys because i’m gay.  i’ll just say it now because i know you unoriginal f*cks are thinking it!!!

But yeah this is day 3 or 4 of being “under the weather” and i guess the good thing is that it’s freezing cold and snowy outside and i wouldn’t want to be leaving the house anyway.  And we’re supposed to get more snow here in Jersey today as well?  Hey Jack Frost, why don’t you get off our balleens for a hot one and take a gddamn break until Christmas day where for some reason people want it to snow, probably because they are nostalgic romantic fools who don’t have to shovel?

Wait, you thought i was talking about the Michael Keaton “Jack Frost” Jewel?  C’mon doneHUPS!  You know i was talking about the horror movie!!

Haha just kidding, i wasn’t talking about the horror movie Jack Frost.  i was talking Jack Frost DOS sucka!!  He’s icin’ and slicin’!!

Have i done this exact joke before?  i can’t remember but probably.  So with that being said, i’m calling it quits early on this rant today.  Which is okay with me, because it’s not like i need to drop mad knowledge on you kids EVERY time you read my blog.  And even when i don’t do it in the rants you always learn something in my “Random Nonsense” section.  True, it might not be anything useful and/or funny, but it is technically something!

RANDOM NONSENSE

Before i go any further, i feel the need to say that i actually love Natural light beer, and that meme i posted before was just to get some ha ha’s, not my actual feelings on that beer.  Because besides being the most cost effective 30 pack of light beer to play beer pong with, it actually tastes good, it goes down smooth, and has a very high drinkability factor that makes it the perfect beer to do power hours with and/or do funnels/shotguns.  
So please don’t think i’m fronting, i f’n LOVE Natty light.  And i love it even more now that it’s the only beer that comes in a brand new 25 oz can!!
-So it’s Tuesday, which means by now you’ve heard every Tony Romo joke that could be possibly made.  And as a Giants fan who HATES the Cowboys, it couldn’t make me happier to once again watch that choke artist blow it in the 4th quarter like he has done so many times before.  
But i do also have a lot of respect for Tony Romo, mostly because he is Mexican but also because he was banging Jessica Simpson back when she was young and tight and not whatever the hell it is she calls herself these days.  But being a fan doesn’t take away from the joy i get watching Jerry Jones lose, and that Boss Hog wanna be can suck a fat one as he watches the team he built go down in flames because he does not have football knowledge yet is too stubborn to give away any control for this team.  
So to Jerry Jones and the rest of you Cowboys fans who once again will not be sniffing the playoffs this year…
LATER DICKS!
-And oh yeah, speaking of “LATER DICKS!” i dropped one to Family Guy’s Brian Griffin who died in an episode a few weeks ago.  Well apparently Seth MacFarlane was smart enough to bring him back, so i guess i have to take back my first ever “LATER DICKS!.” Which is an odd feeling, because while it is super fun to drop a “LATER DICKS!” whenever i can, the feeling of pulling one back and it shriveling back into my groinal area does not feel nearly as good.  But whatever, it’s animation and i guess i should have seen it coming.  So welcome back dick!!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- It f’n sucks being sick in general but it sucks even hairier donkey balls when it’s nice out.  Nothing like your head being dizzy and weighing a 100 pounds and your stomach being in knots as you struggle going between being so f’n incredibly hot to so f’n f*cking freezing every other minute.  And you do all of this on a Saturday and Sunday as the sun tries to pour through your blinds in your room as you do whatever you can to keep passing out every few hours.  
Also, when the weather is nice out it’s hard to eat a hot bowl of gddamn soup i’ll tell you that much. And oh yeah, if you finally get enough strength to go to the store and pick up that soup which i will tell you now is an AWFUL idea because that store is filled with a million jerkoffs.  And you may think you feel a little better in your room, but once you are trying to park in that lot full of maniacs you will regret your decision HEAVILY, trust me.  But anyways when you get that soup and steal that cold medicine make sure you don’t forget crackers!!!!  Because everyone knows that soup without crackers tastes like hairy donkey balls.  Gddamnit i need to learn more adjectives and learn what adverbs are and just become a better writer in general.
Ugh, and that is IT for me today kids.  Hopefully some of this blog was funny/entertaining but whatever, even if it’s not i still got one out there and that’s the important thing.  But i hope you are all doing better then i am, i hope you all have a great week, and i’ll see you kids back here on Friday hopefully when i’m all better and ready to bring the laughs!
Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter
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