My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the ID: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that. – Jim Gaffigan

3 Dec

THE BLOG WHERE I KEEP GETTING LAZIER AND LAZIER AND LAZIER AND …

What is up kids?

Did everybody have a fantastic Thanksgiving??  i know i did, except for the fact that i’ve been eating so much that i’m literally sick of what an awful human being i am.  Is everybody else still eating that much?  Like you ate a huge amount of food on Thanksgiving, and then everyday since you’re just like, “Well there are leftovers, better keep eating!” So you just keep shoving your fat face with food until you want to cry about how horrific your life has become?

Well between that feeling and being SUPER hungover after watching Toy Canon at the Orange Lantern Friday night for arguably their best show ever i’m still a little hurt up at the moment.  And instead of talking about how i’ve been throwing up blood after the last few hangovers i’d rather talk about a story i’ve told before but my friends say is pretty crazy and hilarious so i figured i’d post it again now.  Sure, some of this is out of laziness.  But you have to admit i’m also efficient!

So sit back relax and let yourself go, don’t sweat what you’ve heard, or act like you know i’ve posted this rant before.  Just don’t worry about it and let it happen!  And enjoy this awful story…

     –Anyways, one of my friends has a son who’s getting a tad older now, and by that i mean he’s finally discovered his penis. This little guy just grabs away at this thing all the time, and when it does that crazy thing and gets “hard” every once in awhile he just has to show his mom and go “look what i’m doing!”  And i’m obviously not going to be a parent anytime soon (not because i’m not married, but because i’m fantastic at pulling out on time) but i did think it must be a funny thing when your son gets old enough to start noticing erections and stuff.  Because that’s a major life discovery for a little boy, one that alters your perception of life forever.

And even though i have like zero memories of my childhood i actually remember the first time i started popping boners, or at least talked about them with anyone else.  There was a park across the street from where i grew up and it was just a big field that had a see saw and a swing and some other kid nonsense.  Anyway one day my friend slid down the pole of the swing and he was like “Holy S, you have to try this, it feels crazy!”  and i was like alright and i did it and the kid was right, it definitely felt different when i rubbed my junk down that pole.  And not just different, but good.  i didn’t get what was happening and there were no adults around so we just called it the “dicking” feeling.  And we’d laugh and go this is so much fun, i love the “dicking” feeling!

OMG is this real?  How old were you when you did this, 25?  Did you and your friends make out afterwards or try to give that “dicking” feeling to each other instead of using the pole?  Is this why you’re gay?  OMG you’re gay!”

Did you get all of that out of your system?  i’m trying to tell you an honest story of one of the few memories i have about growing up and you’re going to turn this into some immature gay joke show.  Honestly, grow up everyone.  It really makes me not want to share things when you turn it into nothing but gay and penis jokes.  i mean seriously.

So yeah basically the point of this is i’d much rather have a little girl then a little boy when i do have kids.  Because when miguel jr starts bringing his little brown pencil around me and goes “hey daddy look at this!” and i have to explain to him not to do that and how stuff happens and give those kinds of speeches i am not going to do a good job and my kid will probably grow up all messed up.  At least with a little girl, once she comes to me and goes “Daddy i’m bleeding!”  i know that all i have to do is go “Well go tell you mother!”  and my job is done.  Raising little girls must be the easiest thing in the world, you never have to explain to her the “dicking” feeling.  Or i will have to explain it and it will be the most awkward conversation ever…

On to the nonsense!!


RANDOM NONSENSE

-Hopefully he’s not reading this, but if he is i just want to say Happy Birthday to my dad.  He’s pretty much my hero, and even though i know i’m not now, i’m hoping eventually i can prove to him that he should be proud of me.  i know i probably don’t look like much to the outside world, but i guarandamtee that i’m a happier person then about 85% of the people on this planet.  And if you’re job as a parent is to make sure you’re child is a happy one then both my parents did the best job ever.

And speaking of parents, happy birthday to one of my favorite moms who reads this blog Erin!  She’s the money and she reads my blog and deserves her own shout out so i hope she had the best day yesterday because she definitely deserves it!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Peachy Keens”

Alright i’ll be honest, that’s my favorite band name i’ve come up with since “The Bees Knees.”  i dare any of you to try and do better.  i DARE YOU…

And before i keep up with my lazy trend and repeat a couple of “Old School” nonsense for ya i just want to say it sucks what happened to Paul Walker and the guy in the car who died with him, Roger Rodas.  Obviously i didn’t know either of them personally but it still sucks when people die and he seemed like a good enough kid.  Plus i thought he was hot way before “Fast and the Furious,” i’m talking “Meet the Deedles” Jewel!

But yeah RIP to both of you, that story really sucked to hear.

 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Here’s a message to all of you people who like to give the middle finger every time someone takes a picture of you… grow up already.  First of all, who are you giving the finger to?  Your friends and/or family taking the picture?  That’s awesome, way to be a classy individual.  Well why else do you do it?  Is it because you really don’t give an f???  Well, i’m guessing that can’t be it, otherwise you would just not be in the picture. Seems like a simple enough solution to me. 

But besides all of that, do you know what’s the worst crime is from this awful habit?  It’s that this is easily the most unoriginal and played out pose one can do, so not only are you saying F you to your friends and ruining a possible cherished memory you’re doing it in the most unoriginal and boring way possible.  Say cheese!

Fast Food TRILOGY… Part 3: So to finish off my first ever “Fast Food Trilogy,” i need to talk about Burger King’s “Satisfries.”  These are the crinkle cut fries with 40% less fat and 30% less calories!  They also taste like ass, and have like no salt on them, and then by the time you add enough salt and dipping sauces to make these fries taste edible you have now eliminated any possible health benefits by trying to be “healthier.”  So yeah these are awful and don’t get them.  But the $1 Bk Rib and the BK Big King are the f’n money so go eat them and enjoy.  Just make sure to get regular fries!  

And that’s it for me today kids!  i’m off the DMV to renew my license, and i wish i was kidding but that is literally what i’m going to do and i’m dreading it.  But i hope you all have a great week, and if you want to follow someone money on Twitter then you should follow me already because i’m even funnier when i tweet.  That’s right, i said it.  But have a good day and i’ll cya back here on Friday!!!

Cya! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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One Response to “My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the ID: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that. – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. A boy named Lats December 4, 2013 at 1:36 am #

    wait… you were a kid, at a park…oh… WHAT’S HIS NAME?!?!

    Like

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