The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don’t belong; it doesn’t include me, it never has. No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. – George Carlin

26 Nov

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what is up, i’ve been saving that quote for a LONG time.  And to be honest i didn’t plan on using it for today.  But whatever, sometimes a little reality is good for ya.  Especially on this cold Tuesday morning only 3 days before Black Friday.  Although speaking of Black Friday…

i f’n HATE Black Friday.  i hate everything about it, and i hate the stores that are open early on Thanksgiving just to make Black Friday last even longer and to get people away from being with their family and standing in a long line, as well as making working class people have to be at their jobs instead of getting to nap on the couch recovering from eating too much turkey.

And if you ask me who i blame, i blame EVERYBODY.  i blame the people who stay in line, i blame the Store owners that make their employees go to work, and i blame our society for hyping it up like crazy and then reporting about the insanity that happens on Black Friday and saying, “these people are acting crazy!!!”  i literally hate every single thing about this “holiday,” and yes i hate it even more because of the fact it comes the day after Thanksgiving when we should all just be thankful for what we have.

And when i see all of those people waiting outside in line, am i wishing for the coldest weather ever?  Yes, yes i am.  Have fun in your little tent when it’s 20 below zero and the wind pierces through your soulless body and chills you where you should have a spine just so you can get an Element 50 inch HD TV for $200 beans at Walmart which would be a great deal if you’d ever heard of an “Element” tv before…

And when i see the people in line and they are rushing through the door in a big crowd, am i silently wishing for people to get trampled?  Yes, yes i am.  None of you though, and nobody any of you guys know.  i’m just saying those unnamed slobs that none of us know personally who i could care less if their last thoughts on this planet are “OMG i’m dying!  Now i can’t get little Jimmy his stupid f’n video game!!”  And then their skull gets trampled onto the carpet.

And do i really wish these kinds of things would happen to people on this stupid so called Black Friday?  Meh, not really.  Like i wouldn’t care if it happens and i’m not really wishing for it per se, but it wouldn’t be any sweat off of my sack if it really happened either.  Because like i already said, it wouldn’t be anyone any of us knew.

So have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!  And whatever you do make sure you do not spend Black Friday or God forbid Thanksgiving day at some stupid store buying nonsense you don’t need. Stay at home and watch football and plan out your fantasy football team and eat the best turkey sandwich late at night when everyone is sleeping and put too much mayo and cheese and stuffing on it and be thankful that you are alive and living in America which is the best country in the world!!!


So if any of you notice this and i’m sure most of you won’t, a lot of these bits are ones i used last year around Thanksgiving.  And by a lot i mean basically all of them.  But i’m sorry, i went back and re-read them and they’re hilarious so i’m re-posting them again due to funniness and laziness.  Plus i’m always giving you kids these free hilarious blogs, so please give back to me on this lovely holiday and let me get away with this and i’l be forever thankful!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE: Is there any food better at Thanksgiving dinner then stuffing?  For real, i don’t care if it’s stove top or your mothers secret recipe, stuffing is the shiznittle bam, snip snap zap!  And oh yeah whoever gets that reference is the money (yeah i know you know it JJ).  But that’s literally all i can think about when i think about this holiday, and it’s nice to know it’s only two more days till i can have it!  And what a great name for a food, “stuffing”.  They didn’t even bother trying to describe what the actual food is, they must have started eating it and said,

“Holy $hitballs this food is good!  i can’t stop stuffing my gddamn f*cking face with this deliciousness!  What should we call this motherf*cking fantastic food?”  “i say you call this $hit “stuffing” because who cares what it is, we can’t stop stuffing our fat f*cking faces with this orgasmic f*cking amazingness!  So “stuffing” it is!”

It’s funny to think that was “exactly” how the name stuffing entered our vocabulary.  i’m not positive but i’m pretty sure that is word for word the conversation the Indians had when they came up with the name at the first Thanksgiving.  And people think history is boring…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- On a completely different note, why do they always make condoms that are ribbed for “her” pleasure?  Don’t they realize it’s the guys who have to wear these awful things?  What about my pleasure?  Forget about her, she’s probably already used to shoving things made of plastic up inside her cooter, and probably plastic that vibrates while we’re at it.  Why don’t we make condoms that are for my pleasure?  “They do make something for your pleasure miguel, it’s called “not using condoms“.  Oh true, i forgot about those.  Those are my favorite because the sex feels awesome and it’s mad cheap!  Except for all those expenses you get in 9 months i mean.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- So as much as i love Thanksgiving, i absolutely DESPISE the night before Thanksgiving.  Or “Amateur Hour with the a$$holes you graduated high school with” as i like to call it.  Some people love the idea of going back to their hometown and going to their local dive bar that is now super crowded with jerk offs from high school, and paying for overpriced beers only to try and drive home later to avoid all the DWI stops every two seconds.  But for some reason i don’t enjoy this “holiday.”  Because who wants to go out drinking on those nights?  i’m already i minority driving around in Bergen County, now i’m going to try and push the limit even more?

And the best part of getting absolutely hammered the night before Thanksgiving is that when all that delicious food starts being put out the next day, you don’t want any of it because your stomach hurts so much from throwing up all night and morning.  Way to ruin the holiday dickface!  Was it worth it?  No it wasn’t, which is why i hate the night before Thanksgiving.  And you should too, it’s for rookies just like New Years Eve.  But don’t even get me STARTED on New Years Eve…

Fast Food tips: Thanksgiving Edition!  So i lied, i’m not going to finish my first ever Fast Food Trilogy today.  Mostly because i want to keep up the suspense and have you come by NEXT Tuesday for the Thrilling Burger “The Return of the” King conclusion!!

And besides, it should be an annual tradition that i post this next Fast Food Tip before Thanksgiving so that’s exactly what i’m going to do!

     First of all i know what you’re thinking.  “Fast Food Tips??  On Thanksgiving?  C’mon guy, who eats fast food on Thanksgiving??”  Um, only the classiest and smartest motherf’ers around kids!  Because what is the one thing that you feel is missing at every Thanksgiving dinner?  i’ll give you a hint… it’s White Castle!  But what if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  “Holy S miguel i’d crap my pants in glee!”  Well you’re in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle’s website i give you the recipe for “White Castle Turkey Stuffing!” 

1991 Cookoff Winner
White Castle hamburgers, no pickles
1 1/2 cups
celery, diced
1 1/4 tsp.
ground thyme
1 1/2 tsp.
ground sage
3/4 tsp.
coarsely ground black pepper
1/4 cup
chicken broth
In a large mixing bowl, tear the burgers into pieces and add diced celery and seasonings. Toss and add chicken broth. Toss well. Stuff cavity of turkey just before roasting. Makes about 9 cups (enough for a 10- to 12-pound turkey). Note: Allow 1 hamburger for each pound of turkey, which will be the equivalent of 3/4 cup of stuffing per pound.
So to all of you who have thought, “i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer”  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that… MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog.   And the best thing about this stuffing is that it’s good for the kids as well!
-Did you guys see “Family Guy” last Sunday?  Probably not, because who watches that show anymore?  No one, that’s who. But since you missed it i guess i should tell you they killed off Brian Griffin last episode.  And i guess a lot of the reaction on the Interwebs weren’t so positive about this as most people tweeted, “Bring Back Brian!”  And i tweeted the same exact thing!  Except when I tweeted it i only had to use two words…
And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone has a great holiday week and doesn’t get trampled to death even if they do go out on Black Friday.  i am spending Thanksgiving with my family in Dumont, or at least as many of them can show up i guess.  But i will be thankful to see them, just as i am thankful for everybody who i love in my life including you my faithful readers!  
But i’ll be back here next Tuesday with an all new blog, so until then be good, eat stuffing until you explode and remember to be thankful for having the money life!  
Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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