If you don’t drink then all of your stories suck and end with, "and then i got home…" – Jim Jefferies

19 Nov

What is up kids?

Do all of you know who Jim Jefferies is?  You should, he’s a fantastic stand up comic although i’m sure a lot of you would find him pretty offensive.  Especially because he’s an atheist, because surprisingly not too many religious people find that whole “atheist” angle that funny.  Not me though, i find pretty much anything funny.  Especially really ruthless humor, that is pretty much my favorite.  You wouldn’t notice that reading this blog though, because to be honest it’s pretty “PG.”

Wait, are you f’n KIDDING me??? All you do is talk about immature stuff like deucing yourself to no end and lusting after teen girls and eating White Castle while drinking massive amounts of alcohol until you’re puking sliders, Natty light and blood all over your bathroom bowl, floor and/or walls!”

You may gots a point but trust me kids, i do my best to tone it down in this blog.  Because if you guys REALLY knew what i wanted to write about most of you would probably never come back here.  Mostly because many of the thoughts that run through my dome are ridiculously offensive as well as nonsensical and/or insane.  i have to turn my rants from a 10 to a 7 most times just so i don’t lose most of you , because when i say that i think prayers are useless and that i think most corporations are soulless life suckers that have murdered the middle class in this country and that anyone who compares the introduction of Obamacare to Bush’s handling of Katrina is just a right wing nutjob there’s a chance i could lose one or two of you.

Because no one wants to hear any of that!  You just want to hear a couple of ha ha’s and some “Fast Food Tips” and an occasional “Later Dicks,”  like the one i should have dropped when the Devils beat the NY Rangers for the second time this year!  That’s right Robert, your team and your karate is a joke.  i own you Laruso!  And the New Jersey Devils are undefeated against the Rangers this season!!!

But then again, maybe my readers DO want to hear me start getting more ruthless.  Maybe being more honest and over the top with my opinions will get me more readers, and in turn make me super famous and rich to the point where i won’t need any of you anymore!  A Mexican guy can dream, can’t i??

Well maybe that’s what i’ll do, because Lord knows i can’t try being any funnier!  But i’m not going to do so today, and instead i’ll just get to the ha ha’s already.  But enjoy them while you can kids, because i think it’s about time i stepped this blog up a tad.  i don’t know how many of you will stick with me through this “transformation” but i can’t wait to see who does!  My guess is all the dirty alcoholics and those with filthy minds will still be here week in and week out. And to them i say i’ll keep seeing you every Tuesday and Friday you open minded sarcastic basterds!  And to the rest of you… LATER DICKS!


– A lot of people get mad when they hear about the United States giving aid to other countries, especially because we have so many of our own problems at home.  But the truth is if we’re going to act like America is the greatest country in the world and have no problem bragging about that to everybody, OCCASIONALLY we have to do things like help those less fortunate then ourselves.  And yes we have a ton of our own problems here but believe it or not there are people who have it worse, which isn’t hard to see if you take 2 seconds to pretend we are not the only ones who matter.

Anyways, this is why Stephen Colbert made it a point on his show to try and get more people to donate to the Philippines relief fund through his show then the entire nation of China did, COMBINED!  And he succeeded!

To do this he had his fans text “COLBERT” to 50555 to donate $10 to Convoy of Hope which supports Typhoon relief to the area, and as of now they’ve already raised over $200k just from his show alone!  Which is a great thing, and if you would like to be a part of this great thing like i did then go text this now!!  You’ll feel better when you do!

-Oh and speaking of Asians, i don’t want anyone thinking i’m getting soft on Orientals so check out this hilarious photo!!

And oh yeah, don’t call Asian people “Oriental.”  Or anyone for that matter, because Oriental is not a term used for people no matter what your grandfather says.

-So i tried that Jose Cuervo “Cinge” tequila and i have to say it was pretty fantastic.  Maybe not as money as Fireball Whiskey, but considering i never drink tequila and i actually really enjoyed this i have to admit it’s made me a huge fan.  What i wasn’t a fan of was throwing up into the bowl all night to the point that the blood vessels in my face popped and i looked like a big blotchy bag of douche.  But what was my other option, to not drink shot after shot of it?  Doesn’t sound like any option i’d ever take.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- If you have a roommate, make sure you always give them the heads up when you plan on taking a day off.  Because there is nothing worse then taking off or calling out of work only to find your roommate did the same thing.  The whole point of calling out is to enjoy a day to yourself, whether it be getting chores done or going shopping or just sitting in your boxers and your own filth as you casually booze before 11 am on a Tuesday.  But more importantly, you want that time to yourself!  i mean sure i can make an omelet with no pants on in the kitchen listening to my fantasy football podcasts when my roommate’s home, but do i really want to?  The answer is surprisingly no, and having someone else in the house on your day off just sucks so make sure you plan it out.  Or you can not plan it and when you both end up with the same day off and your day kinda sucks because of it you’ll remember this blog and that you are a jack ass who hates good advice.

Fast Food Trilogy: Part 1 – So Burger King has released 3 new items worth mentioning, and i’m going to mention each one for my next 3 blogs in my first ever “Fast Food Trilogy.”  And if you read my blog you know about my love of Jewish people, so for them i’m going to list the cheapest item first.  The BK Rib comes in a crisp clean dollar bill, and i have to say i thought it was pretty money.  You would expect the kind of beef quality as you would the steak at Taco Bell, but this rib sandwich really does have a realistic beef flavor.  It tasted good, and for one ducket you really can’t beat the price and/or value.  Especially when comparing it to the McRib!  Which is nowhere near as tasty, and about 3 dollars more expensive.

So my advice is to buy like 4 of them and enjoy the first two and regret the 3rd and 4th one. That’s what i did and i know you’ll enjoy doing it to!   If by enjoying you mean deucing yourself to no end and throwing up violently into your toilet bowl i mean.

New ruthless blogs?  Texting to help people who are in need?  The start of a fast food TRILOGY???  It’s safe to say to say today’s blog had it all!  So i hope i made you all laugh, and i hope you all come back on Friday for another fantabulous and hilarious new blog.  i think it’s time to step it up, so we’ll see how it goes later in the week i guess. But enjoy the rest of your day and i’ll see you kids on Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


One Response to “If you don’t drink then all of your stories suck and end with, "and then i got home…" – Jim Jefferies”

  1. Berlin November 19, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

    Speaking of fast food news, not to be outdone by the McWoo and Mickey D's new anne frank sandwich Sonic just released a new offering called the Anne Frankfurter. “A real treat for the sports fan, have one just before you hit the showers,” said Sonic's Director of Marketing.



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