i can’t believe only three more days of Halloween. – Jim Gaffigan

1 Nov


What is up kids?

So did everyone survive Halloween?  i know i almost didn’t.  i woke up this morning with skeleton make-up on my face, my pants around my ankles and i was covered in vomit and candy wrappers.  Or wait, was that last Friday?  Either way, it’s a rough morning today but i’ll do my best to ride this sugar rush a little longer and write you the money blog!

It’s funny though, because Halloween used to be my FAVORITE holiday by far.  It wasn’t even close!  And yes you can start with the obvious point of girls dressing sexy as hell, but if you read my last blog and of course you SHOULD have you’ve already seen my tribute to the baby girls and their boner inducing costumes.

In addition to that though, people on Halloween also love boozing out at the bars like it’s St. Patrick’s day.  Only it’s at night!  Every bar has a wacky costume contest, and every bar is packed with rowdy maniacs who love to party.

And as awesome as these things are they aren’t even the best things about Halloween.  First of all you don’t have to travel anywhere to see family.  Even better, you don’t have to buy anyone any gifts, or even cards for that matter.  Because aren’t cards the worst sometimes?  They seem to be a little expensive for stuff we still buy printed on paper, and they are never really that funny or clever.  But somehow you still have the balls to charge me $5 to say “Happy Birthday!”  C’mon card people, grow up already.

Anyways those are all the main reasons i love this holiday.  None gifts, none cards, girls wearing hot little outfits, and oh yeah… free candy!!!  Did i not mention all of the free candy?!?!??!  Well there is FREE CANDY!!!  This holiday is win win!!

So i hope everyone had a good one, and if you didn’t make it to a Halloween party you still have time to hit up one this weekend.  And yes i know how tough it is to pick out a good costume.  It’s very difficult to pick something that is not super trendy and common like everyone else’s, but to also choose a costume that is recognizable by everyone.  Because you can have the best costume ever but if no one knows who you are no one gives a $hit.  Choosing the right costume is a delicate balance, and if you go too far in either direction you are guaranteed to blow it.  But whatever you do wear SOMETHING to your party.  Nothing is lamer then the person who goes to a Halloween party not in costume.  Especially because the person is usually too lazy or embarrassed to dress up so they feel more comfortable wearing regular clothes.  But if you wear regular clothes to a Halloween party you stand out even more for not wearing a costume, and everyone is going to harshly judge you anyway!

So enjoy your Halloween weekend everyone!  And one last tip for you fat people out there, stores always discount their candy the day after Halloween.  So just because you’re single with no kids and live alone that doesn’t mean you can’t partake in the activities.  Hit up a CVS, buy some half off Halloween candy, go sit and eat it alone in your room, and then cry yourself to sleep with tears of joy and shame.  Like i said before, it’s win win!!!


– i don’t know if there will ever be an MMA fighter who is ruthless enough or even disrespectful enough to do this,  but if any UFC guy ever came out to the song “Smack My Bitch Up” by Prodigy as their entrance song that would be the most bad ass thing EVER!  Think about this one for a bit and you will agree.

– Have any of you ever tried the alcohol “Everclear?”

If you’ve never drank Everclear just imagine drinking pure rubbing alcohol except worse with less flavor and more burning pain.  Some people say it’s better if you mix it with “Mike’s Hard Lemonade” to ease the taste a bit.  But like my good friend Sue once told me you know you’re in for it when your “mixer” contains booze…

And just so i don’t disappoint my boy Jewell, here is a picture of what he’s been thinking about since the beginning of this bit!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- So i LOVE steak, and i always get it medium rare.  But i’ve started thinking about it and i can’t tell if i like steak medium rare because it tastes good, or if it’s because i’m a fat a$$ and i just don’t feel like waiting any longer for my gddamn steak.  i just can’t do it!  i just want to eat that $hit right now!  So i always order it medium rare to get it mad quick but who knows, maybe i would enjoy a “medium” steak or God forbid a “medium well” steak.  Maybe it would be my favorite!  Maybe i would try it and be like “Holy $hitballs this is the most fantastic steak i’ve ever eaten!”  Who knows, it’ could be possible!  Maybe that IS what i would say!  But i guess no one will ever know, because i’m a fat f*ck and i’m never going to wait that long to get that goodness in me.  One steak medium rare please!

Fast Food Tips – Speaking of being a fat f*ck, Pizza Hut has introduced a “3 Cheese Tease” pizza which is a stuffed crust pizza that has THREE CHEESES in the crust!!  Now some of you may be thinking, “Why do you need cheese in the crust let alone THREE cheeses when you are eating a pizza made entirely of cheese already?”  And to those people i say you are blowing it at the game of life, and if you have to ask why they are making this you have lost the battle already.  And sure, i’m the one who’s going to lose the battle with my heart after i eat one of these pizzas each day for the rest of the month.  But at least i won’t die asking stupid questions!!!

And that’s it for me today kids.  Isn’t it great that i’m back doing Friday blogs again?  Two blogs a week seems like the perfect speed for my mind grapes, so it’s nice to have things back to normal.

But i have a real treat coming up for my faithful readers coming up soon, so i hope you all come back on Tuesday and join me for another all new blog.  So have a great weekend, get as much gddamn candy as you can and i’ll see you kids on Tuesday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

One Response to “i can’t believe only three more days of Halloween. – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Anonymous November 1, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    wow when did everclear get 5 members?


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