Sandy, my darling, you hurt me real bad. You know it’s true, but baby you gotta believe me when I say I’m helpless without you. Love has flown, all alone I sit, I wonder why-yi-yi-yi why, you left me oh Sandy – "Sandy" Grease Soundtrack

29 Oct


What is up kids?

How’s everybody doing on this brisk fall day a year after “Superstorm Sandy” terrorized New Jersey?  i for one am doing FANTASTIC, if only because i got some tremendous “legal” news lately.  And while nothing would make me happier then to write all about it right here right now, something is telling me i should probably relax for a hot one.  But all in good time my faithful readers!  All in good time.

And speaking of good times, Sandy was most definitely NOT one of those last year.  Although off the bat i have to say i CLEARLY did not have it as bad as most.  All i had to deal with was losing power for a week and not being able to drive anywhere because i had zero gas.  No, not the kind you get from Taco Bell.  i did and still do have plenty of that.  i’m talking about how all of the gas stations that were still open were PACKED.  Like over 3 hour long waiting lines packed, and that’s if you were lucky!  And since i didn’t want to run out of gas waiting in line forever at a gas station i just figured whatever, i’ll just walk wherever i have to go from now on!  Which of course meant i just sat in my room for a week, only leaving to pee.

And i’m going to talk more about this storm in the upcoming blogs ahead, because let’s be honest it was pretty life changing for a lot of people.  And while personally that may have not been due too much because of the storm, it was still just around a year ago today that every aspect of my life was turned upside down.  In a good way!   Which is crazy because it didn’t really feel or seem that way at the time.  But looking back this was the greatest thing that could have ever happened to me, and it all started about the time when Sandy hit New Jersey.

Although it’s funny, i looked back at an old blog around this time and it was clear i had ZERO clue on how bad this storm was going to be.  Why would i?  How many times in the past did the media hype up some storm, just for it to be a passing shower that made people panic over nothing?  i know that’s all i expected Sandy to be, which is probably why i addressed it as so when i wrote this rant last year…

– That’s right, Hurricane Sandy is coming!  And this isn’t just terrifying because everyone in the news is trying to scare everyone to death over this storm.  But if you didn’t know (and why would you), Sandy is also my mother’s name. And if this storm is anything like my mom when she’s trying to clean the house before company comes over, this storm is going to be a raging beast that leaves no survivors in it’s path!  Was anyone else’s mom like that?  i mean obviously my mother is nuts, she’s a Marine and she had 5 children with one of them being me. And she married my father!  So this woman has every right to be certifiably insane.  But most of the time she was just your typical nervous panicky mom type of crazy.

 But not when guests were coming!  When company was coming over for dinner HOLY S YOU’D BETTER LOOK OUT EVERYONE!!  i honestly believe i have anxiety to this day because of the stress my mom would go through and would give the rest of us when getting the house ready for  guests.  Even just writing this in my blog now and thinking back to what i went through is hurting my chest, making my head dizzy and making it harder for me to breathe.  i’m not saying she scarred me for life or anything, but my therapist thinks i’m making real breakthroughs lately!  But yeah my point is if i lose power or anything due to this storm then there won’t be a blog next Tuesday.  And if the world does indeed end next week, and with it being 2012 you never know, then i guess this is my last blog ever.  And if that’s the case, i would like you all to remember my prophetic last words as i say to the entire world…  LATER DICKS!


-Since i’m feeling nostalgic today, and since i guarantee no one remembers any of the “Nonsense” that i wrote after Superstorm Sandy i’m going to re post some of my favorite after storm bits that i wrote last year.  And yeah yeah that may seem lazy.  But like i said we were all affected by the storm, i was just smart enough to write funny jokes about it.  So here ones i came with while sitting with no power for over a week.  If they’re not funny it’s because i was cold, hungry and had no electricity.  So eat me!!!

“OLD SCHOOL” SANDY NONSENSE- When i see all these text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to SANDY victims, am i a selfish ahole if i wonder if i’m entitled to any of that money? i mean true i didn’t lose my home or have water damage.  But all our beer in our beer fridge got skunked, that Rocky Road ice cream i was saving for my weekend binge got all melted, and my DVR didn’t record ANY of my shows that week because it doesn’t still work when there is no power.  So is that disgusting of me to wonder if i can call FEMA and get some duckets for my pain and suffering?  It is?  And i am? Well what if i’m on hold right now on the FEMA hotline but now i just hung up.  Does that make me a better person? It doesn’t? Well f*ck you then.  i’m the real victim.

-You would think that when the power goes out all over town that food would be scarce and hence i would probably lose weight.  But instead, the only food places open are Pizza parlors and Chinese food so i’ve literally been eating only that since Monday.  So unless any of you are also maniacs like i am, then the only person getting fatter after this hurricane is me.  Although to all of you people who love pizza and think “ i can eat pizza everyday!” let me just tell you it’s not as great as it seems.  In fact, if i see another slice of pizza in front of me i’m going to vomit all over it can create a “miguel jose” specialty slice that should not be eaten by anyone.

And oh yeah, if you ever want to know if you are in the midst of an “actual” crisis, just order food from a Chinese place.  I ordered a number 6 combo and the lady told me “25 minutes” for a pick up.  25 minutes for Chinese food???  That $hit is usually ready as soon as you hang up your telephone.  But yeah if your wait for Chinese food is ever more then 20 minutes, you KNOW the world is really coming to an end!

-Candles are the f*cking WORST!  First of all, i’m not comfortable having open flames all over my room and throughout my house.  What is this the 1800’s?  And if it is, where is my quill pen and my own personal slave?  Hey don’t judge, that’s historically accurate.  Although technically since i’m Mexican i wouldn’t have had any slaves because the white man wasn’t sneaking us in the country yet to do all of their landscaping and wash all of their dishes and what not and then complaining that there were too many of us in this country.

But yeah, Jesus Christmas getting drunk on vodka alone in my room with open flames around me EVERYWHERE is the worst f’n idea.  And i don’t have those nice big candles that most ladies have.  i had small dumb candles that last like 5 minutes as well as already used birthday candles lit all over my room.  And now i’m getting black out drunk and falling asleep inside this inferno which will soon be my fiery tombstone.  And the best part is if i do wake up during it i can’t call anyone because my phone died since i can’t charge it with the stupid power being out.  Candles are the f*cking WORST!

Fast Food Tips – It’s Halloween on Thursday, and what’s better then celebrating holiday by going to the city and looking at hot baby girls dressed up all slutty while getting drunk and begging for candy?  Nothing, that’s what!
But what’s the SECOND best thing about Halloween you’re probably asking?  This may be a surprise, but it is ALSO hot baby girls dressed up all slutty while getting drunk and begging for candy!
Now what’s the THIRD best thing about Halloween?  No, it’s not hot baby girls dressed up all slutty again. What are you, perverts?  Do you really think i would make that all 3 of the best things?  Of course not, especially when the third thing is 50 cent corn dogs from Sonic all day on Halloween!  And no i don’t mean G Unit hot dogs, i’m saying these corn dogs only cost half a dollar!
So don’t forget, once you’re done eating all of your children’s candy you can go to Sonic and get a “real” meal of good food for only 50 cents!  My advice to you though is to use the money you save on food and spend it on some soft, good quality toilet paper.  You’ll thank me in the end, and your end will thank me!! 
And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope you guys enjoyed my walk down this horrific memory lane of Superstorm Sandy.  And to the people that were really affected by this awful storm i hope you have long recovered from it or will be soon.  And oh yeah move away from the shore already!   As long as we have Republicans in office who don’t believe in climate change things are still going to get worse before they get better.  So living by the shore is madness!  Even though i sure could go for a Midway cheese steak from the Seaside Boardwalk right now.  If that place was rebuilt please let me know so i can hook one up ASAP!!!
Cya on Friday with an all new blog!!  – @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: