What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them… as is my understanding. – Bart Simpson

25 Oct

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s finally Friday!!  Thank God It’s TGIF!!   Isn’t Friday just the greatest day?  Once you leave your job it’s the longest possible time before you have more work!!  And you can do WHATEVER you want on Friday night!  Which if course means coming home, ordering a pizza, debating on whether you want to shower and meet up with any of your friends, and then passing out on your couch earlier then you have all week even though it’s the only night you can go out.  Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday!!

But i’m in a great mood today kids, and a lot of it is because i got to meet one of my favorite people for the first time last night.  And that’s Bar Rescue’s Jon Taffer!!  And yeah you probably figured that out by now if you’re friends with me on Facebook.  Or on Twitter. Or if you read the title of today’s blog and/or looked at the picture i used above.  Plus now with me telling you straight out that i met him i’m guessing most of you already got the point and have had it for quite awhile.  But i don’t care, i’m excited!!!

“Bar Rescue” is easily one of my favorite shows on television right now, and it might actually be my favorite now that “Breaking Bad” is over.  And it’s funny because i only first saw my first episode in August, yet in this short amount of time i’ve become straight up ADDICTED.  The strangest part is how i ended up watching it though, because the first time i saw it i was super HUNG OVER.  It was after a Saturday night that i spent catching up with friends, and by catching up i mean me and Rob did a “Cabo” power hour and ordered a Tommy Turvino’s bacon pizza to ourselves which i ended up throwing up all over the playground at the middle school by me.  Which seems kinda f’d up but remember, this was in August so they had an entire month to clean it up before school started!

Anyways, i woke up that Sunday morning feeling like death.  The kind of awfulness where you are so sick you don’t even want to watch any television, let alone a show about a bar.  But on came “Bar Rescue,” a show starring Jon Taffer who is a guy who has managed and owed over 600 bars over a 30 year span.  And now he goes into crappy bars with even worse owners and does his best to turn the place around.  Although like he always says fixing bars is easy, fixing people is hard!

Now if you’re reading this and if you’re wondering if this is just “Kitchen Nightmares” with Gordan Ramsey except for bars then you pretty much get the point.  But i don’t know, there is just something about Taffer that draws you into him.  He is such a character, and even when he is angry and yelling i can’t help but laugh even though the people he yells at are either angry or terrified.  And it’s cool to see how they remake and remodel all of these bars, and at the end of each episode the reactions of the owners and workers after they see the transformation is always an amazing sight to see…

But this show is all about Jon Taffer, and that’s the reason everyone watches it.  And yesterday he did a book signing at “Bookends” in Ridgewood, NJ  for his book “Raise the Bar.”  And since Bookends is right by me i had to check it out.  And i’m glad i did because he was the MONEY!  The first thing he said was that while he could do his book signings in huge corporate stores it was nice to come and support local businesses like “Bookends” and he praised the owner for having him. Then he started talking about his book and the show in general, and he gave advice on business and life before he answered a bunch of questions from the crowd.

After that he sat down and started signing books, and i totally got to shake his hand and tell him i love the show and even got a few pictures with him.  So thanks to my beautiful girlfriend for coming with me to take them!  Although i think she just wanted to come to see how happy i was haha.  But Taffer is the gddamn MAN and i couldn’t be happier to have his autograph and it was just the best way to get my weekend started right.  But yeah that’s what i did yesterday.  What the hell were you up to??


-Does everyone remember when i told you about “Cookie Butter?”  i know most of you forget all of the brilliance i drop on you each blog, but that is something you should have paid attention to.  Cookie Butter is sold at Trader Joe’s, and it is a dessert that basically tastes like an Angel’s orgasm in your mouth.  No joke, this stuff is so delicious they only let you buy two jars of it at a time because it’s almost as addictive as heroin if not more.

Anyways i’m not here to tell you about how amazing it is again because i already did that.  What i’m here to tell you about today is their new flavor, “Speculoos Cookie and Cocoa Swirl.”  Which is Cookie Butter with swirls of Nutella in it!!

And yes the first time i tried this stuff i literally POPPED in my pants.  No joke, the front of my shorts was covered in my own personal cookie and cocoa swirl, and while at first look it may seem as though i added whipped cream in reality… okay enough of that.  But yeah this stuff is TREMENDOUS, and if you don’t try it at least once before you die it’s safe to say you never really lived.  So go try some already!!!!!

-Do any of you hate ironing clothes?  i kinda hate it, and by kinda i mean i’d rather jam an unopened bottle of cookie and cocoa swirl up my butt hole then have to iron any clothes.  And to be honest i really don’t iron ever.  Sometimes i pay to have it dry cleaned, but more often then not i either put my shirt on a hanger in the bathroom when i take a hot shower to let the steam get the wrinkles out, or i just throw them in the dryer on high heat and “iron” them that way.

But since i already told about the greatest dessert of all time on this blog, i might as well tell you my favorite invention of all time right after the air conditioner.  And that’s “Downy Wrinkle Release” spray.

This stuff is AMAZING!  And if you told me it was straight up magic i would believe you.  i’ve used this on shirts that were all crumbled up in a suit case, but after spraying it with this stuff and hanging it up for awhile the shirt was basically wrinkle free.  i cannot stress how awesome this stuff is enough, so if you have a passion for hating ironing like i do then you should get this and thank me PROFUSELY!  You’re welcome America.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- There’s a move that fighters do in the “UFC” that is a finishing move that most people can’t get out of.  It’s called the “Rear Naked Choke” and it’s basically when you take your opponents back and choke him out until he taps out or goes unconscious.  The move looks like this:

Now my question is, since this move is normally performed by huge sweaty dudes and not beautiful ladies like in the picture above, why did they have to add the word “Naked” to this move?  i mean why isn’t it just called the “Rear Choke?”  Did they HAVE to throw the word naked in there?  In a sport where shirtless men are wrestling each other wearing nothing but speedos trapped in a cage, i would think you’d try not to make any of the moves you do sound gayer.  It’d be like calling an uppercut the “Flaming Homosexual Uppercut!” There are at least two words you could take out of that name to make it a tad less gay.  But whatever, i guess they are going to stick with the “Rear Naked Choke” so what can you do.  Although once they change the name of the move “Hammer fists” to “Silly Love Taps” i’m going to stop watching this sport!

And this bit was for the jerk off who left such a lovely “comment” on my last blog.  Look, i know you’re a lonely woman and i know you have this personal hatred for me even though i don’t care who you are and i know you love to read and comment on each blog even though i almost never post it.  But i do know a little about MMA so shut your pie hole and go back to cooking lame dinners for your abusive husband.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS – When i’m hungover and i get a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel for my hangovers i get it with mayo and not ketchup.  Some people think this is gross, but those people are judgemental aholes who don’t understand the pain i go through with my hangovers.  Because if they did they’d know that all the fat and grease from a bacon egg and cheese is almost enough to make me feel better, but it’s that coating of mayo that REALLY makes my tummy scream in orgasmic delight.  And is it me or were there a lot of orgasms this blog?

Anyways, there is nothing better then covering delicious fatty bacon with even more liquid fat!  i would think most of you haven’t even tried it yet so i’m telling you now, go do it!  i may be hurt up, but once i took a bite of that juicy greasy disaster my friend in my pants went boooooWHIP!  And i’ll tell you right now that stuff that came out sure as hell wasn’t mayo!  Alright that last bit is a little rough but yeah for real you should try it.  The mayo i mean, not my “booowhip” sauce.

And before i go today, i’d just like to say happy birthday to Nancy Cartwright who does the voice of Bart Simpson!  He is definitely one of the best characters of all time, and he’s on one of the greatest shows of all time.  Just like “Bar Rescue!”  See how i tied everything all in at the end?  No??  Oh well, i tried.  See you on Tuesday with an all new blog!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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