I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. – Mitch Hedberg

15 Oct

What is up kids?

Man i feel like we haven’t talked in FOREVER!  And today’s blog isn’t going to help anything, because even though i have SO much going on and so much going through my head right now i can’t actually share any of it with you just yet.  Some of it might end up being pretty fantastic for me, other things might be pretty damn bad for your not so humble narrator.  Either way, you’ll have to wait until next week for me to even begin to update you on some of the insanity that’s been going on with me lately.

Not to say i don’t want to try and make you laugh today!  Because Lord knows no matter what is going on in my life i am almost always down for a laugh.  That’s the real reason i write this blog.  If i have the gift of making people laugh it is my right, no, my obligation to do so!  Haha just kidding.  i write this blog because i’m an ego maniac and if the hundreds of people who read my blog each week didn’t do so i’d end up doing what i did when i was a kid in grade school and that’s to try and get NEGATIVE attention.  Were any of you like that when you were kids?  The kind tof kid that always needed attention and would do anything to get it?  i believe today they call those kids “a$$holes.”

And speaking of a$$holes, like i said i have to be one today and not tell you anything about what’s going on until next week.  Yeah i know, i’m the worst.  And i hate it more because i’m totally turning into one of those idiots who will always go, “OMG i have such a big secret!!  But i CAN’T tell you!!!” Oh really?  Then why bother telling me that in the first place?  These kinds of people are the real attention whores, which is why when anyone pulls that $hit with me i don’t even bother pretending like i give a f*ck about what they are not telling me.  And it’s not an act, i really don’t give a $hit.  i was fine before i knew your little nonsense secret and i’m even better now that you’re not telling me. Probably because i’m money like that.

There is one thing i am willing to admit today in this blog, and that is Columbus day is a pretty lame holiday.  Almost as lame as all the people who want to ruin things and tell you this holiday is garbage because Columbus was a jerk off and he promoted genocide and got lost on his way to the Indies and blah blah blah blah.  Who cares what Columbus did?  Don’t you people realize that if there is ANY holiday that some people will be able to get off from work for that we all need to support that?

Forget the fact that you don’t get enough personal and/or sick days.  You need to grab a hold of any holiday day off that you can, while always trying to promote more.  Because a day off from work isn’t about knowing what you’re celebrating.  It’s about getting out of that gddamn hell hole as much as humanly possible!!


-So if you noticed i don’t talk about boozing until i’m on all fours throwing up in my shower and pushing the chunks down my drain that much lately, and if you didn’t notice that you did now.  Some of you might think it’s because i’m growing up, and i guess that is kind of possible.  But the truth is i really just can’t handle getting that sick anymore.  For real, the amount of pain i go through with my hangovers, and the amount of liquid that i puke up out of my dome piece and/or anus is just too much for me to take.  And yes it’s because the sand in my vagina burns and it hurts it hurtSSSSSSSS!

But i also just heard about how some scientists did some studies and they say that drinking the soda Sprite is supposed to be pretty amazing as far as helping out with hangovers.  Which is all i needed to hear!  Scientists are doing science stuff and this is what they came up with?  I’m on board!!  And just because i’m so good to my readers i’m going to try this Sprite helping out a hangover experiment this weekend and i’ll let you know how it all goes.  Is there anything that i won’t do for my loyal fans?  Besides write a blog twice a week anymore i mean…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Holy Moleys”

“MOMbook Etiquette”- So did you all hear about the mom on Facebook that posted a picture of her and her 3 kids that has everyone’s panties in a bunch?  Apparently this fake controversy was started because there was a bunch of women who thought she was making fun of fat people with her heading “What’s Your Excuse?”  And that with this post she is basically rubbing her in shape body into everyone’s fat faces.

But i say good for this lady!  Way to keep it tight after destroying your vagina pushing out those three tykes all within 3 years of each other.  When did you find the time to work out?  If i do the math is seems as though you’ve been pregnant for 1090 of the last 1095 days of your life.  How it is possible that you can look that fit?  Although i guess that is your point, you’re asking me what is my excuse for being a lazy, fat piece of garbage when you can have three kids and be in the kind of shape most people haven’t been in since grade school.  Whatever, go F yourself lady!  Stop rubbing your in shape body into my fat face!

Fast Food Tips – If you love KFC, and you like eating fried chicken in your car because you don’t care about getting crumbs all over the place, then do i have a fast food deal for you! And that of course is the “KFC Go Cups,” a delicious treat that comes in 5 different variations.  You can get original recipe bites, hot wings, chicken littles, original recipe boneless, or extra crispy tenders that all come with fries and all come in a neat little package that fits in your cup holder.  Which sounds great in theory, but if you’re the type of person how needs to eat their KFC in the car on the way home instead of just waiting the 5 minutes i’m guessing being on “the go” isn’t really in your vocabulary.  Unless you are talking about being on the bowl of course.

And that’s it for me today kids.  Once again i’m taking this Friday off, but next week i’ll be back to writing two blogs a week!  Everything i’m doing should be wrapping soon, so hopefully next week i’ll be back to normal and finally be able to talk about what’s up with me.

But have a great week, go subscribe to my show on www.Blip.tv/VHSBreakdown and i’ll see you next Tuesday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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