When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat. – George Carlin

8 Oct


There’s a reason education sucks, and it’s the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you’ve got… because the owners of this country don’t want that. I’m talking about the real owners now… the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. 

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls. They got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. Lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. 

That’s right, they don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they’re getting f*cked by a system that threw them overboard 30 f*ckin’ years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly $hittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.

And now they’re coming for your Social Security money. They want your f*ckin’ retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you sooner or later ’cause they own this f*ckin’ place. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. …The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. …And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue d!ck that’s being jammed up their a$$holes every day, because the owners of this country know the truth. It’s called the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it…” – George Carlin

So yeah my plan for today was to write my opinion on the government shutdown, but instead i decided to just quote George Carlin’s amazing words once again.  One because it says everything i want to say and says it better then i ever could.  But more importantly, i’ve been pretty gddamn busy lately so besides taking off last week and this Friday i’m going to phone in today just because i can. 

But don’t worry, i’m off again this Friday but i’ll be back next Tuesday with some more of my own comedy.  i’ve just got some big things going on lately and trust me as soon as i can talk about them i will.  But until then i hope you enjoyed Carlin’s rant today and here is some original nonsense!!


-Alright i lied, here is one more Carlin bit since i am honestly pretty fired up about this government shutdown.  Is everyone paying attention to this in the news?  Hopefully you are but if you’re not i understand, it’s definitely easier to just ignore politics because it’s less stressful to just not pay attention. 

But the truth is is that is exactly why i do pay attention, and that’s because the people in power don’t want me to.  They want me to focus on Miley Cyrus, and the Kardashians, and even sports and shows like “Breaking Bad.”  Because as long as i’m caught up in that world i’ll never pay attention to how insane the Republicans in the House are, and how this entire shutdown is happening just because the lunatic fringe Right has our country hostage over the fact that they are ENRAGED that they lost the election to a black guy who wants to give poor people affordable health care.  

But i am paying attention you a$$holes, and no matter how hard you try i’m not going to give up.  Although like Carlin i don’t think that the politicians are the only problem, because maybe it’s someone else that is actually at fault here…

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. 

This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.” – George Carlin

The Money $hout-out of the Week- Congratulations to Scarlett Johansson for being selected by Esquire as the “Sexiest Woman Alive!”  And yes i know some of you think i must be OUTRAGED that the honor didn’t go to Kate Upton.  But to be honest i’m a little heated at her at the moment because apparently she has a new boyfriend and she is also an Atlanta Braves fan which is the second strike against her…

But yeah just because Kate and i aren’t talking to each other right now doesn’t mean that we are “fighting,” i just see it more as us just taking a break.  So while we’re on this short break i have zero trouble giving props to Scarlett, just like i’d have zero problems giving her a bunch of other things.  So way to go Miss Johansson!  And don’t forget that even though we all know that you’re engaged, being engaged ain’t the same as being married…

“Facebook etiquette”- To anyone inviting me to play ANY games on Facebook… i would like to personally “invite” you to an area of skin right between my balleens and my anus called “the taint.”  And while you’re there i hope you take a deep sniff and maybe even take a soft lick to taste my sweaty, salty undercarriage, preferably after a night of drinking stale Natty light as well as a late binge of reheated Taco Bell.  If this doesn’t sound appealing to you well then maybe now you’re starting to get how i feel about your invites to these stupid games that i’m NEVER going to play!!!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Skeedaddles”

And since i’ve been off the last week and since i have such loyal amazing fans i think i can reward you all with one more great name for a punk band!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band, Part Dos!  “The Great Horny Toads”    MAN i’m good at this!!!

Fast Food Tips – In an effort to make me even more of an alcoholic apparently there is a new “Pop Tarts” flavored vodka that you can drink for breakfast, brunch, and/or dinner.  My question isn’t how many bottles a day i’m going to drink, i’m just wondering if this will taste better if i put it in the microwave for 10 seconds first!!!  And yes thanks to Brian Regan i know to insert the bottle “vertically” into the toaster oven… 

And that’s it for me today kids.  Man i miss you guys!!  Just because i haven’t been writing blogs lately doesn’t mean i dont’ have a ton of stuff on my mind grapes.  And like i said i have a lot going on right now and i’m hoping by next week i’ll be able to tell you all about it.  But until then have a great week, try not to miss me too much, and don’t forget to go watch and share my show over on Blip.tv/VHSBreakdown, a second season is coming soon!!!!

Cya Next Tuesday!!!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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