Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back. Even while we sleep, we will find you acting on your best behavior. Turn your back on Mother Nature. Everybody wants to rule the world – Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"

20 Aug

What is up kids??

i’ll tell you what’s not up, and that’s me.  Holy $HITBALLS kids, can i tell you all that i am still super hungover from my birthday party Saturday night?  i’m sure anyone that was there has no problem believing that, but i gotta be honest a 3 day hangover is pushing it even for me.  i mean i haven’t had a drink since Saturday night and the picture above is what i looked like when i woke up this morning!!

Alright that’s not really me in that picture.  i’m not white and/or that skinny, but i am known to wear purple boxers.  But yeah for real kids,  i’ve been a MESS these last few days.  Forget Sunday, if it wasn’t for new episodes of “Breaking Bad” and “Dexter” on at night i would have literally accomplished NOTHING that next day except for puking and deucing my guts out.  And while it’s true that if you normally read my blog that sounds like a typical Sunday for me, the day after my birthday was anything but.  Either way, i figured Sunday was the worst of it and i was hoping that on Monday on my ACTUAL birthday i would be back to my obese jolly old self…

But not this birthday!!  As soon as i woke up i could tell that my throwing up and bowel movement spectacular was probably over.  But MAN my head just could not get clear ever since.  My head was spinning and i could barely talk and move all day, and that was the SECOND day of my hangover!  Gddamnit i’m getting f*cking old!  And i’ve been getting much better at writing my blogs way earlier then i put them out, but i had ZERO chance of doing any writing yesterday.  But that’s not the worst, worst case scenario, is it?  i mean when i woke up this morning i shouldn’t STILL feel hungover, should i???

Ugh, no such luck boys and girls.  i am still so foggy and out of it that i am BARELY getting through this blog.  Which is funny because if anyone remembers when i first started this thing pretty much EVERY blog was about how hung over i was and how awful i felt and how bad i wanted to just die.  But here we are and i’m a few years older yet not much has changed apparently.  Well except for the fact that my hangovers are now lasting THREE F’N DAYS instead of one or two.  i am just one old gddamn basterd i guess, but whatever i’m okay with it for the most part.
Maybe i should just give up drinking?  i feel like that would be the right decision to make in my life, if not just for myself but for my friends and family and loved ones as well.  But i honestly feel like i can’t do that, because i owe it to you people to keep partying and living the life that i’m living.  Especially my married friends who haven’t slept more then 6 hours in a night in the last 3 years, let alone ever play beer pong or do any power hours or even wake up with no pants on after a serious night of drinking.  If they aren’t drinking and partying, and then i start not drinking and partying, well then who the F on this planet is going to be having any fun?  No one, that’s who.  
So for your sake, and for society’s sake, your humble narrator promises to never stop partying.   Well until my body just gives up on me and shuts down forever i mean.  But until that point, and let’s be honest that is years if not days away, i will continue to do my best to entertain you all with horrific alcoholic abuse to my body and colon as i waste away to nothing but some disgusting stains on my bathroom floor and walls.  And even though it was my birthday yesterday that is my present to all of you, because i’m such a nice and giving person.  You are all welcome!!!
-So yeah i’m not gonna lie, i’m WAY too hurt up to come up with any “new” nonsense for you today.  My mind is mush and the funny and/or HA HA’S are just not flowing today.  “When is it ever you fat Mexican waste of space?”  See, it’s funny when you say stuff like that because you obviously keep reading my blog every week so apparently there is something about me you find irresistible.  
Anyways, i’ve picked some old “Random Nonsense” to share with you today so i hope you can all deal with that while my body and mind recover.  Although i don’t want this to be ALL old stuff, so here is the newest and greatest Kate Upton pics i’ve seen in awhile which is another present to all of you from me.  i’m the disgusting, hungover birthday disaster that just keeps giving!!!
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- So if you can’t already tell, i’m a HUGE fan of my birthday.  But i also realize that not everyone is like that.  Some people absolutely HATE their birthday.  “i don’t want presents!  Don’t throw me a party!  If you throw a surprise party i will KILL you!!!”  And whatever, i get that there are different strokes for different folks.  But for real kids, how can you NOT be a fan of your birthday?  i mean it’s literally the only holiday that is YOURS, and if this day did not happen in history you wouldn’t even be on this planet to hate it!

And i get that it sucks getting older, especially for all of you girls who hit the age of “25” or older.  But let’s be honest, once you’re over 25 it doesn’t matter how old you are anymore anyway, your life is pretty much over.  So why be depressed about it?  Just embrace that you will never be as attractive as you were when you were 24 again for the rest of your life and move on!  But yeah it is sad to me when people don’t dig their birthdays.  It’s like they have a problem with feeling “special,” and they don’t want any attention even though it’s only one day a year.  And if you don’t allow yourself to get attention ONCE in awhile, or to just enjoy the fact that you are alive and celebrate on your birthday because you are lucky enough to still be here on this planet then you are really blowing it and i feel sorry for you.  But i’ll get over it.

-So did anyone read that “Different Strokes” line and NOT think about that show or have the theme song playing in their head?  Yeah me neither.

“Oldschool Facebook Etiquette”- i can’t STAND people who always put up vague FB statuses.  “I can’t believe that happened!”  “I’m so nervous about tonight!”  “Waiting for important news…”  Um, no you’re not.  What you’re really waiting for is for people to be like “OMG what happened?  What’s going on?  What important news are you waiting for???”   But if you’re waiting for me to ask you that then you will be waiting a long time, because i don’t give a flying F.  Either tell me what the big news is or don’t, but whatever you do don’t post a vague status update because if you do i don’t f’n care.  i need attention too, but i don’t need people trying to use the Da Vinci code to figure out my status updates.  i’ll just post exactly what i mean because i’m not an attention needing ahole.  Well i am but not with FB updates.
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS- i need a better answer for when people ask me what i’ve been up to.  i don’t mean for random people i don’t care about, i have no problem telling aholes who i won’t see again for 15 years the same generic answer.  And i hope when i give it to them they realize that i am only making small talk and that i didn’t even remember their name let alone care what is going on with them.

But for my real friends that i don’t run into as much, when they ask me “So what have you been up to?”  i need a better answer then, “Nothing man, chillen. Same old $hit”.   Really? That’s all i’ve been up to?  How bout this blog that has a whole 44 and hopefully counting followers?  Or how about my “hit” show VHS Breakdown?  Or how about that diet i had been staying on until my birthday feast where i  easily put back on all the weight that i thought i’d lost and then some. Or how about the amazing fantasy football draft that i had last Saturday where i drafted more running backs then humanly possible?  Or how about…. um wow, i really have nothing going on.  Alright fine i’ll stick with that same generic bull$hit answer even with my good friends, are you happy?   i need to get a life one of these years.

-BTW, did anyone see those “Different Strokes” jokes above and NOT think about the episode where Dudley get touched by that shady bike owner?  Yeah me neither…
Oldschool Fast Food Tips- Do you know what’s the biggest burger you can get at Wendy’s is?  “Of course Miguel, it’s the Wendy’s Triple!  It’s a 3/4 lb burger with three patties!”  No it’s not, person who thinks they know everything.  That may be the biggest burger on the menu, but there’s a secret item that not everyone knows about.  It’s called the “Grand Slam”, and it actually has FIVE patties on a bun.  It’s also known as the “Meat Cube” although personally i refer to it as the “Diarrhea Delight.”   Not every restaurant carries it, but if your goal is to actually hear your arteries clogging as you chow down on a burger this one is for you.
And that seems like the perfect image to end this blog on.  For real kids i am HURTING today, and i can only hope that at some point in the near future i will be able to have an actual thought again that doesn’t involve how out of it i am.  But i hope somehow this blog made you laugh, and i also hope there aren’t TOO many spelling mistakes because the spell check feature isn’t working and i’m too hurt up to figure how to fix it.  “But you always have spelling mistakes miguel!  And your grammar is HORRIFIC!”  Awesome, thanks for kicking me while i’m down.
But also thanks for reading today, because if you read this nonsense you are obviously a true fan haha.  But i hope everyone has a great week, or at the very least you feel better then i do right now.  i’ll be back here on Friday with all new stuff i think, so make sure to come back then so i can bring you some fresh original laughs once again!!
Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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