Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

2 Aug

What is up kids??

So i have my third and final wedding of the summer to go to tomorrow, and all things considered 3 weddings is probably as much as i can handle.  Who can handle more then 3 weddings in a summer?  i know who, popular girls!  It must suck to be a really popular girl.  You know, the one who has like 8 close friends and is the life of the party and the girl that everyone loves.  Because yeah it’s nice that everyone likes you enough to want you to be a part of their special day.  But who can afford being liked by everyone?!?!

The answer is no one, because weddings are CRAZY expensive.  When i hear about the amount of money most people spend on their weddings my penis shrinks back into my body like a turtle’s head creeping back into his shell.  It makes a WHIPboooo sound and then there’s a sad “WHA WHA” horn that is played. Because i gotta be honest kids, the amount of money that everyone is spending on their wedding is CRAZY.  Spending all of that money just for one big party?  And i mean yeah getting married is a very important step in two people’s lives, especially when they are in love.  But to spend tens of thousands of dollars just to try your best to impress people that have undoubtedly already been to bigger and more expensive weddings that you can’t compete with anyway?

So why not just tone it down a bit?  Maybe don’t spend all the money you and your families have on one single day of your lives.  Maybe instead focus on the love that the two of you have and just have a great celebration with your families and friends and love ones, a party that everyone can enjoy that isn’t insanely expensive!  Is that even an option??

No it’s not, and i’m an idiot for even bringing it up.  Because first of all i’m a guy, and the wedding day isn’t about the groom AT ALL.  Not even close.  Just buckle up and do what you can to make your lady happy my dude, to even pretend like anything you think matters is an insult to your soon to be wife and to women everywhere.  You might as well be one of these Republicans who KEEP trying to push to make abortions illegal and making it harder then ever to be a woman in this country.  Because that’s what old white politicians do, they try to control women’s bodies when everyone knows that if the roles were reversed and guys were the ones who could get abortions they’d be easier to get then diarrhea from those White Castle sliders that i ate last Friday.

But i digress, i’m talking about weddings and love not stomach pains and stinky bathrooms.  i’m fired up for this wedding tomorrow, mostly because the two people getting married are fantastic human beings and i couldn’t be happier for them both. Katie and Dave are the definition of money, and i wish them all the luck in the world on their marriage even though i know they don’t need it.

And marriage can be scary.  Every guy has the same fear.  No, not being afraid of staying faithful to one woman.  Most of us date out of our league anyway, and as you all know a guy should never cheat down.  But the real thing we are scared of is what women REALLY dream about the most about their wedding day…

Hahaha that’s pretty ruthless i must admit.  Especially when guys get WAY fatter when they get married, it’s not like men stay in the best shape as husbands.  Or as boyfriends.  Or single!  i can tell you right now there are a few married women reading this blog DREAMING of the day their husband actually went running or went to the gym and didn’t eat only awful, unhealthy foods.   But whatever, i saw that picture on Google and it made me laugh so i had to post it.  Deal with it!!!


-Speaking of weddings, can anyone tell me what the deal is with that picture where they make the entire wedding party take a picture where everyone is “jumping?”  “Hey guys, how would everyone feel taking a completely unnatural picture of something that would never happen in real life while making you have to jump in a dress and/or suit that doesn’t fit correctly in shoes that already hurting your feet?”  Sounds money to me, sign me up!  And i won’t even talk about how everyone looks at the one girl in the picture who is “bigger” then the others who can barely jump in the air, as well as the tiny petite girl who jumps WAY too high and with too much energy and she looks like a maniac.  That’ll look good in our “Special Memories” album!!  Stupid everyone.

-So i also need to mention that i’m seeing Beck in concert on Sunday.  WHOOPS!!  So yeah this is basically going to be the best weekend ever, except for when i saw Beck and Jim Gaffigan on the same night last summer.  But this should be a close second, and i’m super fired up because Beck is one of the most amazing artists of all time.  “But miguel all i remember is his “Loser” single from the 90’s!”  That’s because you are an uneducated music fan with limited exposure to the greatest music of your lifetime.

But as a favor to my loyal fans, here’s his new song “I Won’t Be Long” which is pretty much my favorite song ever right now.  You’re welcome!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Speaking of going to the movies, i’m pretty sure the only reason cargo shorts were  invented is so that it is a million times easier to sneak in outside food and drinks into a theater.  For real, when i walk into a theater my shorts are filled with tons of tasty treats!  Tasty treats also being my nickname when i worked as a busboy at that gay bar.  You may have heard of it, it’s called “The Blue Oyster” and a lot of cops hang out there.  But it really is a fantastic place, and very friendly!  And working there wasn’t that much different then working at the movie theater.  It was always dark, the floors were sticky and i had to butter people’s popcorn.  And they had the best tossed salad in town!
Alright is there ANYONE who got that reference that didn’t have that theme song playing in their head?  Of course there isn’t, it’s impossible!  So why not drive that point home by listening to this masterpiece!
Fast Food FACT: Well well well, it looks like it’s not always Friday in this chain restaurant.  Ugh, that was my awful attempt to impersonate one of those horrible News stories intros on television.  It actually hurt to do that.  Anyways, remember when i told you all about “Operation Swill,”  the sting operation done by the New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage control that found SEVERAL TGIFriday’s restaurants were pretending to serve high end alcohol but were really switching it with cheap garbage?  It turns out they did end up getting in trouble for that, as they were just hit with a $500,000 fine.  So that’s not Jack Daniels glaze they need to wipe off of their face after that money shot.  i don’t really know how much money Friday’s pulls in, so for all i know that might not be a big deal to them.  But if i had to guess 500k is nothing to laugh at.  So hopefully now when you go to a Fridays in NJ you don’t have to worry about this nonsense.  But if you do find out they are doing it again make sure you get proof, you could be 500 thousand dollars richer!!

Did everyone enjoy this week’s episode of “VHS Breakdown” where i reviewed “Better Off Dead?”  If you haven’t seen it you should go and more importantly GO SUBSCRIBE to my VHS Breakdown YouTube Page now!!!

And speaking of Better Off Dead, in honor of that movie we’ve decided to sell “VHS Breakdown” stickers for $2!!!  and 50 cents.  Because i want my two dollars!!  And 50 cents.  We’re going to set it up on Paypal and everything and the first sticker will be $2.50 with any additional ones being only 2 bucks.  And this is what the sticker will look like!!

Or maybe we won’t sell them and we’ll just give them away, who knows?  All i know is that Rob is out a decent amount of duckets for making this show and we’re trying to figure out a way to get some back.  But maybe we’ll just do a Kickstarter project and get funds that way. i don’t know, we’re both hot and sexy and hilarious and humble but we’re not the greatest business men i guess…
Anyways, i CANNOT believe that next week is the Season Finale!  Thanks to everyone who has watched and/or enjoyed my show, and thanks SO MUCH for any of you who have shared it and/or SUBSCRIBED to us on YouTube.  And thanks for reading my blog too, i know my mind grapes is a crazy place but it is definitely fun to have you all with me for the ride 🙂
CYA ON TUESDAY!!  @migueljose_85 ON TWITTER


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