There are 3 rules that I live by: Never get less than twelve hours sleep; Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. – Coach Bobby Finstock

12 Jul
What is up kids?
So did everyone watch the latest episode of “VHS Breakdown” yet??  If you didn’t you can watch it here now!
And i honestly hate to be pushy, but if you guys do like the show could you PLEASE subscribe to our channel, or even “like” and or comment on our Youtube page?  It only takes a hot second to do so, but the more views and subscribers we get the more likely we are going to be able to do a second season.

We love doing this show and all but unfortunately it does cost duckets to make.  And since we haven’t made any sort of money on this yet we’re just doing this all out of pocket with our own money and by we i mean Rob.  Because hey, i’m the talent and i need to be taken care of.  You should see what i have in my dressing room, GOD FORBID i ever see anything but red M&M’s in my candy bowl again!!!

And oh yeah, does everyone love how my blog is nothing more but extra promotion for my show at this point?  To be honest i don’t mind that it’s become this for a few reasons.  First of all it’s the summer and i’m MAD lazy.  My original plan was to either cut down to one blog a week or even just take a few weeks off from this blog so i could concentrate more on promoting and working on my show.  But since i’ve got genius comedy oozing out of all of my orifices it just doesn’t seem fair to cut down on “Here Comes the Money…” especially when i have so much money to drop on you kids!
But secondly and more importantly i’m ridiculously proud of our show.  And no i don’t have any delusions of grandeur that it’ll ever make it big.  i mean yeah i’m excited that our first episode of “Karate Kid” is close to 900 views and the rest of our episodes are doing super good as well.  Especially “Teen Wolf” which is easily getting the most views off the bat out of all of our episodes.  But i don’t expect to get picked up and be made into an actual show or anything, even though “VHS Breakdown” would OBVIOUSLY be a great fit on Comedy Central and at a half hour and with a little money in our budget we could write and produce even better episodes and we could do amazing tie in’s with or any of the movie companies in helping to promote some of their old movies that they haven’t been selling at all.  i mean this show could be a cash cow for crying out loud!!!!
But yeah the plan wasn’t to just keep hyping up my show every blog but here we are.  And the truth is i’m just mad beat today.  This summer has been INSANE so far.  From doing the Electric Slide at camping, to getting food poisoning and throwing up on the beautiful beaches at Cape Cod, to a great BBQ on July 4th and Bonnie and Maurice’s wedding that ended up being a beautiful all night drinking and dance fest i am whooped UP these days.  Not to mention the huge party that i’m going to tomorrow, and this is all on top of me trying to finish the rest of Season One for “VHS Breakdown.” “OMG miguel how do you do it?  How do you do ALL of these things yet still find the time to not work out and to be fat?”  Well i’ll tell you my friends, it’s definitely hard but i do try my best to not work out and to be… HEY!!  GO F*CK YOURSELF!!!
Is there anything harder then trying to eat good while you’re on vacation?  Or at a BBQ?  Or whenever you have a chance to shove disgusting and horrific high calorie delicious food down my stupid gullet?  It’s not really that i don’t like the taste of healthy food, it’s just that the taste of bad food is so f’n good it gets my taint wet.  Like i can literally feel my mouth and balls watering when i look at and smell a good burger or steak.  And then when you throw bacon and/or cheddar cheese on that bad boy i basically orgasm in my shorts and then munch and eat that burger with the juices dripping down my chin and onto that new shirt my gf just bought me so my face looks like i just finished filming a lesbian porno film.
And oh yeah mom and dad, i’m glad you like my show but my blog is still off limits so if you’re reading this STOP already!!  i write horrific things and jokes that you couldn’t understand. Things you wouldn’t understand.  Things, you shouldn’t understand…
But yeah i promise that my next few rants will be my more usual type nonsense and not just be me patting myself on the back and behind on how great my show is.  i’ve got even more summer parties and vacation stories coming up so i promise to get back to my normal throwing up on all 4’s in the shower after drinking an entire bottle of Atomic Fireball whiskey by myself and then vomiting and deucing myself to no end.  i know that’s what my audience loves and wants to hear so you know that’s what i’m going to give you!

Everyone else can get older and stop partying and be lame, but your humble narrator promises his fans to always get pants $hitting drunk in order to entertain the masses.  Not everyone would do that for their fans but i’m a true hero and a patriot, so to all of you i say “You’re Welcome” and “God Bless America!”

-So has everyone noticed that i’ve kinda stopped talking about Kate Upton lately?  You must have, because for a time all i did every other blog was post super hot pictures of her and tell the world that just the sight of her makes my penis go boooooooooWHIP!  But something changed recently in her life, and i’m just realizing now what a difference it has made in my opinion towards her.  You see she turned 21 recently and while yes it makes it easier for her to hang out with me in bars there was just something hotter about her being 20 and i don’t know if i can get over it.  It’s like i’m letting her just walk out of my life…
WAIT KATE DON’T GO!!!  i take back everything i said!  And speaking of backs holy $hitballs do i love looking at yours!  But i don’t want to see you leave, and i’d like to take this time now to apologize for ever taking my attention off of you.  i can forgive the fact that you are of now of legal drinking age as long as you can forgive me for ever pretending you’re not my #1.  Can we please just kiss and make up?  And make out?  i promise i’ll never leave you again!!!
-Does everyone know you can’t order a “Long Island Iced Tea” in Massachusetts?  No, not just because they hate the Yankees so much that Boston would probably be gay and do something like that.  It’s because there is too much liquor in a LIT and apparently people from Mass can’t handle that much booze in their vaginas.  And oh yeah, they are also not allowed to have “Happy Hours” either.  Well not for alcohol anyway, they are allowed to have discounted food prices.  But they aren’t allowed to sell discounted liquor of any kind, so they can never have any happy hour deals in that state.  Whoo hoo go Saux!  Your accent and your alcohol policies are wicked gay and you’ll never be as cool or as tough as New York, especially because your bars close at 1 am and in New York they are open all night baby!  Oh and our Giants QB owns your Patriots QB, just sayin…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – One of my least favorite things about throwing up after boozing besides the obvious is that i throw up so hard that the blood vessels in my face pop.  And i definitely ain’t no doctor but i’m imagining that can’t be good.  i am also SUPER loud when i huke, i mean like people out in the street must be wondering what God awful thing could be happening to the person who sounds like they are being brutally murdered.  But yeah if you ever see me and i have these bloodshot raccoon eyes with splotches all over my face there is a good chance i just threw my lungs up all over the place.  Actually there is a 100% chance that just happened, especially today.
International Fast Food Tips- Currently i do not have plans to move to Japan, but after hearing the sandwich that they offer at the Burger King in Japan i might just have to do so.  The sandwich i speak of is called “The Meat Monster”, which besides being my nickname in college looks and sounds like pure heaven.  It’s basically a burger topped with cheese, bacon, onions, tomatoes, and on top they also throw on a chicken breast.  Personally i believe a better name for this sandwich would be the “BK Orgasm” but yeah Meat Monster works too.  i don’t know why this sandwich has not made it to the states yet but i’m hoping this delicious disaster drops here like a Pearl Harbor attack immediately.  What, too soon?
A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Pussyfooters”  
Ugh so i hate to do this, especially because it means my NJ Devils are in a decent amount of trouble to start this next season.  First Parise bounces last year, then we lose David Clarkson and now Kolvachuk retires with 7 years remaining on his contract.  Which f’n sucks because  i’ve always been a fan of Kolvachuk even though EVERYBODY hates him now, and i guess i should hate him for leaving us but i just don’t.  i do my best not to judge my friends or anything for that matter because people who judge others are usually aholes that put themselves on a pedestal that they themselves have trouble staying on.  But everyone loves to judge athletes in sports because hey, i guess it is fun to laugh and point figures at millionaires who make a ton of cash for playing a game.
But yeah if i’m going to drop  James Gandolfinito on my last blog then there’s no way i can’t say to Iyla Kovalchuk who is getting out of his contract with the Devils to go play hockey back in his home state of Russia…

And that’s it for me today kids.  i’d rather not end on basically the best player the Devils had leaving the team for no reason but hey that’s how it’s gonna end today.  But have a great weekend everyone!  Don’t forget to watch and share my show on Youtube and i’ll see you next Tuesday with another blog that’s probably all about my show.

Cya, @migueljose_85


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: