Show me that smile again. Oh, show me that smile! Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’. We’re nowhere near the end, we’re nowhere near. The best is ready to begin… – Growing Pains Theme Song

9 Jul

What is up kids?

Did everyone have a fantastic 4th of July?  Actually who cares about that, did all of you maniacs miss me like crazy during my week off??  You should have, i can’t imagine how disappointed you all were when you sat your butt cheeks on the toilet bowl last week all ready to read a new blog just to find out that i was on vacation.

But i gotta tell you kids, it was worth it.  i needed a break bad, and after what was an amazing vacation and action packed week off of boozing and eating my face off i’m ready to drop some HEAVY comedy on all of you once again.  And i promise i won’t take another break for a long, LONG time!  And by long time i mean until next month when it’s my birthday and i have a bunch of fantasy football drafts coming up and i need to take almost all of August off…

But that’s next month, it’s still the beginning of July!  This is that summer that everyone has been waiting for, so i hope you are all enjoying it so far!  i can definitely tell you that i am, my week in the Cape was the MONEY.  First of all i got to spend it with my family and my girl which is automatically a great time.  Although i will say that whenever we are all together and we play “Apples to Apples” everyone is a cheating scumbag which is clearly the only reason i never win…

And losing every board game wasn’t the only trial and tribulations that i faced on my vacation.  i also pulled my calf muscle BAD playing in the bay with my nephew, further proof that i’m turning into an old decrepit a$$hole who can’t do anything anymore.  How did i do that you are asking?  By racing him into the water and then face planting into the bay when my stupid calf muscle tightened up into a rock hard ball that is still sore and hurting me today.  And to answer your next question the answer is yes i also hurt my vagina as well, especially when i got a bunch of sand in it.

And the leg thing was pretty bad, but after eating nonstop delicious seafood the entire trip i ordered a muscles special that had a Tabasco butter sauce that sounded too good to be true!  Which it apparently was because i got food poisoning and ended up throwing up in a cold sweat all night wishing i was dead. Can you picture that incredible sight?  A cool summer evening at a bonfire on the beach, and the peaceful sounds of the tide coming in and a food poisoned Mexican throwing up seafood all over the grainy sand.  It’s almost beautiful in a way.

But those are just a couple of small, minor complaints about my trip.  Everything else was straight up fantastic.   And then i came back for the money 4th of July BBQ, and a friends wedding this past Saturday which was drunktastic!  So all in all i have to say it was one of my best vacations ever.  But once again i’m back now, and we’re nowhere near the end, we’re nowhere near!  The best is ready to begin…


-So i guess it’s official, Robin Thicke’s song “Blurred Lines” is apparently the song of the summer.  And i will admit it’s kind of a catchy tune, even if the lyrics are a little “rapey.”  Although personally i have no problem taking a young innocent girl and singing “i know you want it…” to her.  But as catchy as this song is it’s nothing compared to the “Growing Pains” theme song written by his father, Alan Thicke.  It’s amazing but that song’s lyrics still hold up today, and it’s hard to listen to them without getting a little tear in my eye and a slight cramp in my balls.  Although that last part has more to do with me thinking of Leo DiCaprio’s role on that show. Remember that S?  Because i sure do, and just like the song says when it comes to my readers and to Leo we’ve got each other, sharing the laughter and love.

-So has everyone subscribed to my Youtube channel yet for “VHS Breakdown?”  If you haven’t yet go do it here now!!  VHS Breakdown Youtube channel  i know i talk about this show a ton, but this week i can’t help it because tomorrow we are going to air what i think is our best episode yet by far.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i do love our “William Zabka trilogy” for our first three episodes.  And speaking of that, if you didn’t see the video we posted on July 3rd paying homage to our favorite 80’s actor you should check that out now as well.

But tomorrow we are doing “Teen Wolf,” and if you’ve liked our first three episodes and let’s be honest you LOVED them, this is going to be the episode that cements our legacy as the greatest VHS movie review show of all time!! So tune in to our channel tomorrow at 4:20 and get ready for the greatest comedy that i’ve ever put on screen!

-Does everyone know what “Fromunda” cheese is?  As a food connoisseur i would expect that most people know their cheeses, but on my week vacation i found out that someone close to me had never even heard of it so i figured i’d throw it out here on my blog today.  Fromunda cheese is a soft, pungent cheese that you won’t find in any stores.  In fact, there is only one place that you can get Fromunda cheese, and that’s Fromunda my nuts!!

Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week… i know it’s a little early to bring this bit back considering we haven’t even started fantasy football drafts yet.  But really Aaron Hernandez?  There’s only 3 dominant tight ends in football and two of them had surgery and now you’re arrested for murder.  And the best part of all of this is that only a few months prior he was doing an interview talking about how he’s an “inspiration” to other Mexican athletes and he hoped to be a good role model.  Way to go jerk!  Now everyone thinks Mexicans are just a bunch of lazy criminals and there was NO ONE who thought that before you got arrested.  And yes you’ve disappointed a lot of people and may spend the rest of your life behind bars, but if by some chance you get off and end up on a football team i’ll still pick you up because who looks up to football players as role models?  Ahole kids whose parents didn’t teach them correctly, that’s who.

-So didn’t have a chance to say this before my week off but it’d be wrong of me not to mention the passing of a New Jersey legend.  Most people know him as Tony Soprano, but i’ll always know him as the guy who beat the crap out of Patricia Arquette in “True Romance” the way Chris Brown beat Rihanna.  And it was probably too soon to drop this the day after it happened but now that a week as passed i can finally say to James Gandolfini…


WAIT!!!  That’s just wrong, he doesn’t deserve a “LATER DICKS!”  This amazing actor doesn’t deserve that, and i can’t believe Jay John would think that i would do that.  But he does deserve a proper send-off, which is why i’m choosing now to say that he’s no longer James Gandolfini, he’s
James GandolFINITO!

By the way, both this James Gandolfinito bit and the “Blurred Lines” song being a bit “rapey” line are both jokes that were made on my vacation by my brother’s girlfriend Andrea.  i don’t know if she wants the credit for them but i’m giving it to her now so everyone knows that SHE is the one with the f’d up sense of humor and not me!  You’re welcome Andrea 🙂

And that’s it for me today kids, and i gotta tell you it’s good to be back!  i’m super fired up for “Teen Wolf” tomorrow on “VHS Breakdown” and i’ve got a ton of great jokes for my blog coming up that’ll be sure to keep you laughing for minutes and minutes!  So have a great week, let me know what you think of the new episode and i’ll cya back here on Friday!!!    – @migueljose_85


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