The only reason i couldn’t be gay is because i could never f*ck a man. Because i could never f*ck something that i respect. – Jim Jefferies

25 Jun


What is up kids?

So if you’re wondering if i made it through my annual camping trip this past weekend you now have your answer… Yes!  But man just barely.  i gotta be honest boys and girls, i am hurt UP this year.  Holy f’n S balls, i feel like i went 5 rounds with Cain Velasquez, who is the current UFC heavyweight champion and who is also Mexican.  Brown Pride suckas!

But speaking of pride, i’ve got zero pride about the story i’m about to tell you.  It’s a camping story, and if you remember for the most part i try not to share any of those stories.  Not just because everything that happens when me and my 5 male friends are alone must stay as secrets, the kind of secrets that only best friends who get together once a year to sleep under the stars share.  But i don’t tell camping stories because if anyone really knew what really went on they would not only call the police but all my friends and family would probably disown me.  Well except these 5 friends i guess.

Anyways, something happened this year and for the love of GOD i can’t explain it.  And to start this story off correctly i must tell you that i was blacked out drunk.  And i mean BLACKED out.  Blacked f’n izzout, after at least 6 shotgunned beers in 20 minutes and easily around a case of beer before nightfall.  And i don’t say that like i’m proud or bragging about my achievement.  24 beers is too much to have in one night for anyone, unless of course you’re Irish or you can handle your alcohol unlike my weak a$$.

Anyways, from what i was told (since i obviously don’t remember) someone decided late at night to put the song “The Electric Slide” on the radio as a joke.  And knowing how angry i get when i drink sometimes, and by sometimes i mean when i’m blacked out as well as when i lose a pong tournament which also happened that night, when i was told this song was put on i was positive i started punching and yelling at everyone in sight.  Because i will tell you my friends, i f’n HATE the Electric slide!!  It’s the worst, dumbest song ever and i have childhood nightmares about that song being played at dances and weddings and so forth.  i’ve always refused to dance to this song, and the idea that it came on when i was already angry and black out drunk i could only imagine the apologies that i would need to beg for after beating everyone up in an angry rage!

Well, an apology was in order but not for what i was thinking.  Apparently your humble narrator couldn’t be HAPPIER that the Electric Slide came on.  So much in fact that i yelled, “that’s my jam!”  And started dancing the Electric slide like an a$$hole.  And MAN do i wish that was the end of the story.  Actually after hearing the rest of what happened i wish the story ended with me falling into the bonfire and dying a fiery death.  But i was not that lucky this weekend i guess.

What happened next was that i tried to get everyone of my friends to do the Electric slide with me.  And when i say i tried i mean i straight up bullied every single of one of my friends to get up and do the slide with me and was relentless until i made sure every single one of them did it.  Which makes total sense because like i just said before i F’N HATE THE MOTHERF*CKING ELECTRIC SLIDE!!!  WHAT THE F WAS MY PROBLEM THAT NIGHT?!??  I AM A GDDAMN F’N MANIAC!!!!

There is hope for me however, as there is a 1% chance that they are all joking and that this never happened. i can never be 100% positive that’s what happened that night, because like i said i was blacked out and i can’t remember.  And to the depths of my soul i f’n hate that song so much! So just because i have to i will always hope that this is a big joke being played on me.

But there is one thing that is eating me up inside more then anything, and that’s what Jay John told me i said when i tried to get him to do the slide.  He says that when i told him that he had to do the slide i looked at him and said, “Slide em up, and slide em down.”  And while none of my other actions that night sound like me, the truth is that if i were to ever to try and get Jay John to do the electric slide that is EXACTLY what i would say.  Slide em up, slide em down.  It’s electric, boogie woogie woogie.  Someone just kill me already…


-Well it’s Tuesday, which means episode 3 of “VHS Breakdown” comes out tomorrow!  i really hoped you kids liked these first two episodes but i have to be honest and say that personally i think episode 3 is by far our funniest episode.  And what movie are we going to be reviewing on episode 3?  Well since you’re nice enough to read my blog and all i guess i can give you a hint…

Alright that’s more of me just telling you what movie we’re doing then me giving you a hint i guess.  But whatever i’m tired and mad lazy and i’m not a good writer and i just lead my friends in the Electric slide at camping for crying out loud, are you happy?!?

And oh yeah, i’m sure some of you must be thinking i am gay after admitting this.  But if you read the quote i used to start off my blog today then you understand the real reason that i could never be a homosexual!

ONE HITTERS: Can we just call “King” size candy bars regular candy bars and call regular candy bars “fun”size and stop kidding ourselves already?

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- How come there is no “chocolate” flavored cookie dough ice cream flavors?  Every time you get cookie dough ice cream it’s always in vanilla ice cream.  Why wouldn’t they make cookie dough in chocolate as well?  Am i missing something?  i mean there is literally a Ben and Jerry’s Flavor called “Schweddy Balls” from that SNL skit. No one has EVER thought to make a chocolate cookie dough ice cream flavor?  Can somebody get on that already please??

– i’m not sure why i’m seeing so many f’d up Disney cartoon memes lately but whatever they’re kinda funny.

Fast Food Tips- So it had to happen eventually, but Dunkin Donuts has finally released their first chicken sandwiches.  The first one is the bacon ranch, and the second one is the BBQ cheddar.  And after trying both i can say they are both… meh.

i tried the bacon ranch one first of course because it has bacon.  But there is like zero ranch sauce on it and the chicken doesn’t have that much flavor and the entire thing is so BREADY.  So it definitely fills you up i’ll give you that but on the taste scale it is meh at best.  The bbq chicken sandwich has a ton more sauce on it but is also as bready and it has no bacon so that one is just a meh as well.  So get these $hits if you’re starving i guess but don’t go out of your way if you want the money flavor because they ain’t that great.  The hash browns i got with them were the MONEY though.

And that’s it for me today kids!  i’m putting Episode 3 of “VHS Breakdown” tomorrow at 4:20 on YouTube, and this Friday will be my last blog before i take an entire week off!  And i mean for everything, i’m not doing any blogs next week and i’m not putting up a new episode of VB next Wednesday either.  i will have something new and fun to share with you that Wednesday but as far as episode 4 you will have to wait until the week after that.  This is mostly because it’s July 4th week and most people are on vacation anyway including myself, as i am going to Cape Cod with my fam and girlfriend this Thursday night and i’m not getting back for a week at least.

So make sure you get your fill of blogs this week, and make sure you watch and share and like my show on our VHS Breakdown Youtube Channel on Wednesday because this episode is going to be funny as hell i promise you. Or at the very least it’s me at my most drunkest on the show.  Although don’t get your hopes up everyone, i do NOT do the Electric Slide…

Cya Wednesday for “VHS Breakdown” and Friday for my last blog for a week!  – miguel jose


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: