When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. – George Carlin

24 May

What is up kids?

Is everyone ready for Memorial day weekend?  i sure am, even though to be honest i was ready last night when i went to go see my boy Rob’s band play at the Orange Lantern in Paramus.  It was almost the perfect night, as i boozed my face off HEAVY in a pregame and then partied till mad late at the bar.  The only problem was that i wrote an entire rant for today centering around the fact that the New York Rangers were supposed to be swept yesterday, and of course like the classless aholes that they are they had to win in Overtime and leave me with absolutely ZERO for today.  It was a good rant too, i was finally going to explain the reason why i HATE the gddamn Rangers so much.  Or what i think is the reason anyways.

But whatever with that, it’s f’n Friday and most of you get to enjoy a 3 day weekend!  And i’m sure you’ll spend it honoring our troops and those who have served our country so bravely.  And by honoring our troops i mean you’re going to BBQ it up and blaze and booze your face off till you have an awful throw up of hot dogs and kraut as well as that third burger that you DEFINITELY didn’t need.   God bless America!!

But whatever you do have fun and for the love of God please be safe!   Not so much because i’m a sensitive person who really cares about your well being.  i just would like to keep as many of my readers as i can for as long as i can, and until i’m super famous and rich i’m going to need you fools to stick around!

And oh yeah if you can’t tell by now i’m a hungover DISASTER and am trying to finish this rant in between bouts of throwing up my lungs in the bathroom.  And i don’t feel the need to go into it entirely, but i’ve also got explosive diarrhea so bad that they have officially declared my bathroom an “Unsafe” zone and i’m actually now eligible for aid from FEMA.

But you kids don’t want to hear about that!  In fact once i made you realize how great it is to have a three day weekend you totally tuned out and are barely even paying attention to what i’m writing.  Which is fine for this part but as always my “Random Nonsense” has all the laughs you’ll need for a Friday.  So go read my nonsense and then you can forget all about me until next Tuesday when i come back with a brand new blog!!

-So i usually save this bit for the end of my blogs, but this is too important to wait for that.  Have you kids heard about “Operation Swill” that took place in New Jersey?  You can read all about it HERE but basically there was an investigation done on bars in New Jersey to try and see if anyone was selling low quality alcohol to customers but passing them off at “Top shelf” prices.  Seems like a real dirtbag thing to do, especially considering how much these places make on the mark up on these drinks anyway.  Plus these establishments know they are dealing with drunk idiots, so why not try to rip them off and steal more of their money?

Because you might end up on a list like this, a list of the scumbag bars that were actually participating in this shady practice.  So to the 29 bars (mostly TGIFridays) that are now being exposed for trying to f*ck their customers…

The following establishments were targeted in Operation Swill:
  • Railroad Café, East Rutherford;
  • The Brick House, Wycoff;
  • Sunset Tavern, Burlington;
  • Graziano’s Ristorante, Chesilhurst;
  • Villari’s Lakeside, Gloucester Township;
  • Yesterdays, Marmora;
  • TGI Fridays, West Orange;
  • Italian Affair, Glassboro;
  • Bells Tavern, Lambertville;
  • TGI Fridays, East Windsor;
  • Brunswick Grove, East Brunswick;
  • TGI Fridays, Old Bridge;
  • TGI Fridays, North Brunswick;
  • TGI Fridays, Piscataway;
  • TGI Fridays, Freehold;
  • TGI Fridays, Marlboro;
  • TGI Fridays, Hazlet;
  • Murray’s, Dover;
  • TGI Fridays, East Hanover;
  • Sona Thirteen, Morristown;
  • Blackthorn Restaurant, Parsippany;
  • Ruby Tuesday, Bridgewater;
  • TGI Fridays, Linden;
  • Café 34, Matawan;
  • Applebee’s, Kearny;
  • Cucina Calandara, Fairfield;
  • TGI Fridays, Woodridge;
  • TGI Fridays, Springfield;
  • TGI Fridays, Clifton.

 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i’ve never been comfortable enough with a girlfriend to ever want to fart in front of her.  i see some of my guy friends and they will blast them in front of their girl like it’s nothing, like it’s a big joke.  HAHAHAHAHA!  i don’t know, i get that there are some girls that are cool enough to think it’s funny and all.  But it’s just not my thing.  i feel like my main goal as a boyfriend is to always have my girl into me.  You know, she should think i’m sexy and want to bang a lot.  And to me, farting in front of her does not accomplish that goal.  Of if it does then she’s a sicko because some of my farts smell like a dying lady skunk’s decrepit pu$$y!

-It’s finally here!!  After a 7 year hiatus, Netflix is airing the 4th season of what just may be the best sitcom of ALL TIME!

And no i’m not exaggerating, this is the smartest and funniest show ever.  And if you don’t like it we should probably not be friends.  In addition, if you’re blowing it and have never seen this show go get Netflix and catch up immediately so you can enjoy this amazing comedy with the rest of us lucky enough to have seen it and love it!!

Although as a gift to those of you smart enough to already be a fan, here is latest acting video from everyone’s favorite Analrapist, Dr. Tobias Funke!

-Speaking of Netflix, can i just say i’m a huge fan of their product?  i don’t do the DVD service anymore because i only do streaming and i refuse to pay for both.  But i will say that when i did do the DVD option Netflix was always mad cool about EVERYTHING.  If i didn’t get a DVD that i was supposed to get, all i had to do was go online and say that and they’d send me a new one ASAP.  Or if i sent a DVD back and Netflix said they didn’t get it, all i would have to do is just say “hey i sent that piece” and Netflix would just be like “Okay, no problem guy!”  And then that would be it.   Netflix never called me out on anything, and for a dirt bag like myself that’s just a great relationship to have.

So basically what i’m saying is that i’ve always found that Netflix has the greatest customer service of all time, and it was one of the easiest and non complicated products that i have ever used.  In fact, my biggest complaint is that i used to spend 10 bucks a month but would keep the same two DVD’s at my house for like 8 months like an a$$hole.   But that’s my fault not yours Netflix!

-Speaking of shows you should be watching, don’t forget there’s a new Game of Thrones on Sunday!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Hamburger Option”

Alright that one wasn’t mine, it was actually used in an episode of “Portlandia” which is another one of my favorite shows.  i’m guessing zero of you would have caught that, but like i say i always give credit where credit is due.  And any reason to throw in a mention of that show is alright with me!!

Fast Food Tips – Does Popeye’s and KFC count as fast food?  i know that should seem like an obvious “yes,” but at the same time where else can you go to get fried chicken?  If i want burgers and fries there are a million different places to go to, from Burger King to Bobby Flay’s as well as basically any other restaurant.  So if you want a burger and fries there are non fast food places you can go to get those items.

But where can you get fried chicken?  Unless you get it from Shoprite or something, there are no restaurants that serve it unless it’s on a “special.”  So by that rationale it’s okay to not count KFC and Popeye’s as fast food if i want to eat fried chicken but have given up eating fast food for the year, right?  No?  Well f*ck you then.

Anyways, Popeyes has a “3 of a Kind” deal where you can get 3 chicken tenders, 3 chicken wings or 1 wing, 1 leg and 1 thigh, all of them with a biscuit for $3.99.  See what they do there?  They push the number “3” really hard and then put the price at $3.99 which is obviously FOUR dollars.  Stupid advertising.  And stupid you guys for not letting me eat Popeyes.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone!  i’m pretty excited because my father has been asked to be the “Grand Marshall” in the Dumont parade, and him and my mom (if she’s up to it) get to ride in the main car in their Marines uniforms which is a ridiculously cool honor.  So if you see a sexy Dominican guy and a hot Mexican woman wearing their Marine uniforms leading the parade in Dumont on Monday that’s my parents!!

But yeah have fun this weekend kids, and i’ll see you all back here on Tuesday!  Stupid Rangers…

 – @migueljose_85


4 Responses to “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. – George Carlin”

  1. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    no new game of thrones on sunday. 1 week hiatus. -albin


  2. Miguel José May 24, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

    Son of a bitch… thanks for the heads up. i was wondering if they would w/ memorial day and all but i didn't want it to be true. You're one classy basterd my friend!


  3. R0B May 24, 2013 at 7:09 pm #

    I'm confused, thought you were a Rangers fan?


  4. Jim May 24, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

    There are too many scumbag Ranger fans commenting on your site today.


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