Do You Realize… that you have the most beautiful face? Do You Realize… we’re floating in space? Do You Realize…that happiness makes you cry? Do You Realize… that everyone you know someday will die? – The Flaming Lips "Do You Realize?"

17 May

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
Let them know you realize life goes by fast.
It’s hard to make the good things last,
You realize the Sun doesn’t go down,
It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round…
     “Do You Realize?” – The Flaming Lips

THE BLOG WHERE I’M SICK OF BEING FAT

What is up kids?

Isn’t there something great about being alive on a Friday?  i’m mean don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty f’n fantastic thing to be alive in the first place.  Well, most of the time anyways.  But i have to say it’s an even BETTER thing on Friday for some reason which truly makes it the best day of the week!

Although i gotta admit that i’m a little hurt up as i write this.  Not that that takes away from the fantastic to be alive bit, i’m just saying today’s blog might not come out so “crisp.”  Which is ironic because considering how fried i am you would think a crisp blog would come easily.

Does everyone gots good plans for the weekend?  i hope so, it’s basically summer already.  Which kinda sucks because i’m fatter then ever and definitely not ready for “bikini” weather.  i mean for real, is there anything worse then being fat during the summer?  In the winter it’s fine.  In fact, i like being fat in the winter.  My fat keeps me warm during those freezing cold nights, plus i can try to hide most of it under layers of clothes and sweaters and jackets.

Not in the f*cking summer though.  Summer for fat guys is like a girl not being able to wear make up.  All the tricks we use in the winter are useless now, because it’s too damn hot for a penguin to just be walking around.

So i HAVE to start working out again.  And i’m saying again like it hasn’t been MONTHS that i’ve done nothing.  But whatever, saying “again” is somewhat accurate because i have exercised before in my miserable life.  And i used to not hate it too, however i just can’t get in that mind set again.  Maybe because people who are healthy and eat right and work out are literally the most annoying gddamn people in the world.  Oh really?  You went to the gym before work today?  i couldn’t already tell because i didn’t see you post your gym status on Facebook for the 5th day in a row and also because you usually wait until after lunch when you get your salad to tell me how great your run was this morning.   Maybe if people who were in good shape and ate right and went to the gym everyday weren’t such pretentious bags of douche i’d be more inclined to join their little “club.”

But the truth is those are just my excuses, and lame ones at that.  Although it isn’t hard to make up an excuse to not exercise.  “It’s too crappy out to leave the house!”  “My muscles are kind of tight and they say you should always have a rest day or two or twelve in between work outs!”  “Wait, don’t i have a girlfriend?  Why do i even care about what i look like anymore, i’ve won!”  This is the stuff aholes like myself repeat in our heads, and the next thing you know i’m ordering a taylor ham, bacon, egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt, pepper and mayo and washing it all down with a liter of coke and then masturbating to a “Game of Thrones” sex scene and then passing out in my own depression and misery and filth instead of going for a run YET AGAIN.

But hopefully not today!!  It’s almost three months to my birthday which means i need to start losing some serious weight, for reals this time!  And also because i’ve seen myself on camera doing this new Web show i’ve been working on and let’s just say either the camera adds a couple hundred pounds or i ate the previous me and am now the size of two miguel jose’s.  Which while true means it’s double the funny and twice as much of me to love, this whole pregnant belly angle i’ve been doing for the past year or three is getting old as f*ck.

So yeah even when my life is the best thing ever and i’m going to concerts and comedy shows and boozing and partying and having as much fun as humanly possible, in the back of my head i’m still depressed about my weight.  Probably because i’m a pu$$y and i’m a sensitive high school girl, OMG i’m getting my period!!  But whatever, i’m done being depressed about it and i’m ready to start my weekend.  So let’s get to the nonsense already!   Right after i eat these egg beaters with low fat cheese for breakfast.  Ugh.

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Speaking of high school girls, a lot of people always ask me, “What’s your favorite outfit to see a girl dressed up in?”  And by a lot of people i mean the ones i made up for this bit.  For the longest time it was probably a nurses outfit, mostly because the whole laying in bed helpless while this hot slutty nurse comes in and takes advantage of you is one of the greatest fantasies ever.  Hellllllo Nurse!

But as great as that is, i have to say that hands down my favorite outfit has to be a school girl outfit.  Holy jumping $hitballs that makes me go from 6 to 12 in a HEARTBEAT.  Especially those Catholic school girl uniforms, just thinking about them covers the front of my shorts in Pop Tarts minus the Tarts. i mean seriously, who designed these outfits?  The Devil?  Which would seem f*cked up considering these are the outfits made to wear to go into the school of your Lord and saviour.   But when you take a good look at these uniforms, and i mean a REAL good look, it’s hard to think that Satan himself didn’t have a hand in designing these works of art…

-i never wear socks when i go to bed.  i just can’t do it.  i’m pretty sure it’s because my dad would always yell at us to take our socks off before we went to sleep.  He used to say “Your feet need to breathe!”  And i was always okay with that reasoning, even though now that i’m much older i’m realizing that kind of doesn’t make sense.  But it doesn’t matter, even with this new revelation i still can’t sleep with socks on.  My feet need to breathe dammit!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!– “The Flaming Lips”

OMG miguel you’re not even trying anymore!  That IS a band already!!  You used it in the quote today!!”  No kidding guy, i was just setting you up so i could tell you i saw them last night in concert last night.  Do you kids know the Flaming Lips? Hopefully but probably not.  i can’t say that i’m 100% familiar with ALL of their songs or even most of them.  But i will also be the first to admit that they put on one of the best live performances out there, BAR NONE.  They have so much stuff going on on stage!  The singer sings on this huge space bubble thing 5 feet above the ground, with a microphone that is connected to lights going all through out the stage.  They have these use cannons that shoot confetti into the crowd, with a laser light show that fills the room the entire show.  It feels like you’re watching a concert on a Spaceship, no joke.  But yeah that’s what i did last night, what the hell did you do?

An “Actual” Great Name for a Punk Band! “Short Story Long”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do we still have “human” umpires in sports?  i’m pretty sure we have cameras everywhere and all sorts of crazy technology.  They have a gddamn machine that can tell if a 130 mph serve in tennis is in or out by a centimeter for crying out loud.  The only thing human umpires and refs add to the game is human error, so it’s time to get rid of them  And besides, humans are so 2010.  Hey sports!!  Grow up already. 
Fast Food Tips – Do you love bacon?  If you don’t you should probably just stop reading my blog all together because i hate you.  Just kidding you pretentious vegans and no meat enjoying vegetarians.  You can keep reading and just continue to skip “Fast Food Tips” like you always do.  But for us normal humans, bacon is basically what our life revolves around besides air and water.  But what fast food item contains the most bacon?  The Baconator at Wendys!!!  Oh wait, that pathetic burger has 4 teeny tiny strips and is basically garbage. In fact, it is an insult to even call that burger by that name, when i hear Baconator i expect a B.L.T. amount of Bacon except instead of L.T. they are replaced by Bacon and Bacon.  And oh yeah none bread either, use more Bacon as bread.  You can keep the Mayo though.
But anyways, the Sonic Bacon Breakfast Burrito is the item you are looking for if you want delicious bacon in every bite.  If you look at their $1 menu you will only see the Jr Sausage Burrito so you may think they don’t have it, but oh heck yes they do.  It’s not on the $1 menu so many people don’t bother to look and just stick with the sausage burrito.  But don’t do it! Just ask for the Sonic Bacon Breakfast burrito and you can thank me later for the bacon orgasm you will enjoy in both your mouth and your pants.
-So i’m not going to lie, i debated doing this next bit.  Because many times i find it unfair to hold present crimes against an amazing past legacy that used to be the money…

But i’m glad “The Office” is finally over.  Did you watch the series finale last night?  Or more importantly, have you watched an episode of this show ever since Michael Scott left?  If you haven’t i am jealous, because you could have not abandoned ship at a better time.  This used to be one of my favorite shows, and the romance between Jim and Pam was something i actively rooted for.  And it has to be said that Michael Scott is one of the funniest characters in television history, which makes what i’m about to do even harder…

But this show has been garbage ever since Michael Scott left.  That new character Nellie?  Or Gabe?  C’mon guys, you’re better then that.  And how did they take Jim and Pam and turn them into the most AWFUL characters ever?  Pam is the WORST, and the fact that she wouldn’t support Jim in his sports career that was really taking off is absolute BULL$HIT!  Especially when he 100 PERCENT supported her with her art even though she’s a terrible artist and an awful selfish person.  How dare she not support Jim!   Pam used to be somewhat likable and cool but now she’s only a lame mom just like most of you out there.

So thanks for the earlier seasons guys, at one point you were one of my favorite shows of all time.  But for sticking around WAY too long i just gotta say…

LATER DICKS!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Although before i go i have to tell you about my new show that will be hitting the Interwebs next month called “VHS Breakdown.”  If you like my blog and i know you don’t, you’re gonna LOVE this new movie review show and i can’t wait to f’n show you guys.  i should have an actual promo for the show ready for my next blog, so come back Tuesday if you want a sneak peek at the project that’s gonna make me famous and soon forget all about all of you!

See you kids Tuesday!!  @migueljose_85

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6 Responses to “Do You Realize… that you have the most beautiful face? Do You Realize… we’re floating in space? Do You Realize…that happiness makes you cry? Do You Realize… that everyone you know someday will die? – The Flaming Lips "Do You Realize?"”

  1. Anonymous May 17, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

    Human Error is a good punk band name its a lil goth punk though. Its sounds all political but in reality its referring to umps.
    JJ

    Like

  2. Anonymous May 18, 2013 at 2:17 am #

    You working out is like the Buffalo Bills at the Super Bowl. Good attempts but ultimately ends in failure.

    Like

  3. Anonymous May 18, 2013 at 2:53 am #

    I am still laughin at the makeup and fat guy in summer part. So true. Makeup and paint make a woman what she ain't! Is it sad that I only run(i effin hate running) and do a bunch of exercise because I'm a total glutton who loves to overindulge in fried foods and drink? Oh and the schoolgirl thing I just don't get it. My husband asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him a few weeks ago, so I forged a note from my mother saying I don’t have to participate. Back on the shit list. Workout and blog about it. There's gotta be comedy in that process!

    Like

  4. Miguel José May 20, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

    You're Human Error

    Like

  5. Miguel José May 20, 2013 at 8:35 pm #

    i totally disagree i wouldn't say that i have good attempts at working out

    Like

  6. Miguel José May 20, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

    Is it wrong that the forged note from your mother makes the whole thing even hotter for me?

    and i know, i have to work out already. no bull$hit. Plus i'm on camera now so i gots to start looking better. But i will talk about that in 2mrw's blog!

    Like

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