The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed…" – Stephen King, "The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger"

14 May


What is up kids?

So do any of you out there read these days?  Besides my blog i mean, because Lord knows you wouldn’t have even known i asked you that question if you weren’t reading my nonsense!

But i’m talking about books, or rather whatever you read on your kindle.  i know books are old school and only aholes like me still read those…

Although i can’t lie, i never read anymore.  Who has the time?  Or the attention span?  i gots neither, so unfortunately the times that i actually read a book are few and far between.  Which really sucks because i used to read all the gddamn time.  It started with Judy Blume when i was younger, “Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing” and “Superfudge” were my favorites.  But i also dug the “Choose your Own Adventure books” and reading “Highlights” magazines.  Speaking of which…
A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Timbertoes”

But i used to read all the time, from Shel Silverstein poetry to Stephen King books which i fell in love with.  i definitely dug all of King’s horror stories, but there was one book he wrote that i read when i was a kid called “The Dark Tower” that really intrigued me that wasn’t a horror story.  “The Man in Black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed.”  That was the first sentence of the novel, and from there on it was an interesting journey that when i finished i thought, “wow, that was nuts.”  And then that was it.  i had actually forgotten about the book until a couple of years later when a friend of mine brought up books we had read in conversation.  And when i had told him that i had read the Dark Tower his eyes just lit up.  “You read that?  That’s awesome!  Did you love it?  And what did you think about the second book in the series?

Wait, what??  There was a second book?  i had no clue!  So he let me borrow that book and i read it and it was f’n CRAZY!  So crazy in fact, that it actually made me want to go back and read the first one again and i did and i loved it even more! i had no idea that there was more then one book, and just when i found this out the third book had just been released.

i couldn’t be more excited!  i bought the third book right away and brought it home and read the entire thing in one night.  i remember it like it was yesterday, it was 9 pm on a Friday night and i took the book in my room and i just read nonstop. i ate snacks and read, i went to the bathroom and i read, i read that book straight through till 4 in the morning until i finished every word…

But for the third book in the Dark Tower Series, Stephen King ended it on a cliffhanger.  And i mean a f*cking CLIFFHANGER!  Like he stopped this book in the middle of the craziest gddamn part of the story ever!  And i couldn’t f’n believe it!!   And let me tell you my friends, this was the f’n WORST.  Because this happened to me back in 1991, WAY before the gddamn Interwebs.  There was no way to find out about any new books that were coming out.  i couldn’t “look it up” or find any info on it.  All i could do was walk into every book store and ask about it.  “Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book???” “No.

Time after time that was the only answer i kept getting, and that answer was “NO!” And i got that answer for FIVE YEARS STRAIGHT!!  That’s right, for 5 gddamn years i would walk into every bookstore, usually the one on the second floor of Garden State Plaza in Paramus, NJ.  “Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book? ” “No.”  For FIVE years that was their only reply.  Until one day finally, “Have you heard anything about the new Dark Tower book?”  “YES.”

HOLY F’N $HITBALLS!!  THEY FINALLY HEARD SOMETHING!  WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME??!!!  “Well the 4th book is coming out next month, but you have to put your name on the list.  The book is $40 and only the first 10 people on the list are guaranteed to get it.  If you do not get it next month you will have to wait 7 more months until Spring before you can buy the soft cover.”  Um,…PUT ME ON THAT GDDAMN LIST LADY!!!  AND WHAT NUMBER AM I????  “You are number 7 on the list sir…


HAPPY GDDAMN DAY!  And you bet your ass the next month i paid 40 beans (which is the most i’ve ever spent on a book) and when i finally read it it was and still is the greatest story i have ever read in my life.  Maybe it was because i had waited so long for it, or maybe it was because Stephen King is a legend and the Dark Tower is his “epic”, and this 4th book was the first love story he had ever written.  But whatever the case, “Dark Tower 4: The Wizard and the Glass” is without a doubt the greatest novel i have ever read.  Nothing is even close, not even “50 Shades of Grey.”

This story i just told took place a long time ago, but it makes me sad to think that’s how badly i used to love reading.  i keep trying to get back into it again, but like i said the voices in my head get too loud and i end up having to read the same page over and over again and i never get anywhere.  But i do miss reading and i’m not giving up just yet.  Right now i’m going to try and read, “Mr. Show: What Happened?” and then after that i’m going to read the “Pearl Jam Twenty” book my girlfriend got me for Valentines day.  And i’m excited for both, but i do wonder if i’ll ever be as excited for another book again the way i was for “Wizard and the Glass.”  Probably not, but if i do i promise i’ll let you guys know!!


-You  know who must want to legalize drugs more then anyone?  Credit card companies.  Holy $hitballs could you imagine how much you would ring up if you could put drugs on your card?  Forget my mortgage or my Sallie Mae loans, i would owe on my credit card bill LONG after i died.  My great grand kids would be paying for that ounce i bought when i was trying to impress those baby girls who just graduated and live in the house next to me.  Or that pound of sticky icky i bought that time we watched the entire 4th season of “Breaking Bad” in one sitting.  So yeah while i am on the side of legalizing most drugs, please do not let me be able to purchase it on my credit card unless you want me to declare bankruptcy.

-Speaking of baby girls, here’s a heads up.  If a website offers videos of “Barely Legal Tweens” it’s not only not barely legal, it’s actually 100% ILLEGAL…

i know that last sentence was f*cked up but it’s really one of the funniest ones i’ve ever written if you really think about it.  Or not.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- One of my least favorite things about throwing up after boozing besides the obvious is that i throw up so hard that the blood vessels in my face pop.  And i definitely ain’t no doctor but i’m imagining that can’t be good.  i am also SUPER loud when i huke, i mean like people out in the street must be wondering what God awful thing could be happening to the person who sounds like they are dying.  But yeah if you ever see me and i have these bloodshot raccoon eyes with splotches all over my face there is a good chance i just threw my lungs up all over the place.  Actually there is a 100% chance that just happened. 
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS- i don’t dig flavored cream cheese.  None of them.  “Would you like to try our hazelnut raspberry sun-dried tomato veggie walnut cream cheese today?”  No thanks you flashy basterd, hit me up with some basic philly CC please.  i’m the same way with my coffee too.  i don’t need a grande mocha cinnamon dolce java chip espresso tazo chai iced salted caramel peppermint macchiato frappuccino.  Can i just get a gddamn regular coffee with cream and sugar?  i take my bagels and coffee the way i like my women, low maintenance.  Some of you really need to calm down on your breakfast habits. 

Fast Food Tips – McDonald’s is adding three new Quarter pound burgers this summer as they phase out the bigger and more expensive Angus burgers.  Apparently trying to appeal to a higher class of crowd is not working for the pedophile clown giant, and in turn they are getting back to their roots of offering cheaper low quality garbage that the general public can’t get enough of.

It’s going to come in three different varieties, bacon and cheese, deluxe, and Habanero Ranch for that special burn in the back of your shorts.  It sounds like they are going to come out next month so i should probably write about them then, but i have the attention span of a two year old with ADD at a Flaming Lips concert so i gots to put it in my blog now.  McDonalds’ also plans to replace their current hickory smoked bacon with a thicker apple wood smoked bacon, and when i heard about that my own personal smoked bacon got a little thicker as well.

-Could you imagine being a hockey team and losing a game 7 to the awful New York Rangers?  You could?  Well could you imagine being that same hockey team and then losing another game 7 the very next year to the Rangers, at home, in a 5 – 0 blow out?  Yeah me neither.  But apparently that’s what the Washington Capitals did, and that’s what a team with zero heart does.  Alexander Ovechkin is an overrated player who will never win the cup, and he goes to show just how soft the Russian hockey player is these days.  And while Ovechkin did have a decent point when commenting about how bull$hit it was that the refs REFUSED to call any power plays for the Caps all series, especially the zero they called in game 6 at MSG when the Rangers were awarded 5 Power plays, to lose two game sevens in a row to the same team is unforgivable, especially when that team is the Rangers.  So to that hack Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals…


And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone has a great week, i was hoping to bask in the fact that the Rangers were knocked out of the playoffs but if they had to win i’m glad they did it on Albin’s birthday because that kid is alright.  The rest of you Ranger fans are complete classless dirtbags though and i can’t wait to shove it in your face when they lose.

But that’s for another blog.  i’m signing off from this one for now but i’ll see you kids back here on Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85


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