A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~ Irish Proverb

10 May


What is up hot mamas?

It’s mother’s day weekend, which means all of you lovely moms finally get appreciated for the one day other then your birthday!  And it also means husbands and sons everywhere only have two days to get these moms a gift.  Which is the worst because honestly, what do moms like?

Moms rarely have hobbies.  i’m guessing it’s because raising children is supposedly a lot of work.  Since i’ve never raised any myself i can’t say for sure, but considering how annoyed i get being around children for even five minutes i am willing to take their word for it.

So that still leaves us the question… what the hell do i buy my mom?  Yeah i could get her flowers just like every other guy on the planet.  It’s not the worst option by any means, but it’s certainly not original.  Although if you can’t think of anything else at least get flowers!  Or if you think of something that’s not that great just add flowers to the gift as well.  In fact, forget what i was saying and just definitely get flowers.  Sure that’s what everyone gets their moms, but whatever it’s guaranteed to get a smile so just go out and get them $hits.

But what else is there to get?  My mom will never put in a movie or God forbid figure out Netflix so that’s out.  She’s got all the music that she listens to already and i don’t even know where to buy records so i can’t get that.  And i can’t pick out clothes for any woman whether it be my niece, my girlfriend or my mom so i’m not getting clothes.  Although it’s funny to think that all three of those women couldn’t be more different as in what kind of relationship i have with them but i am equally uncomfortable in buying any of the three clothing.

Chocolate Strawberries? i guess if you already got her a money gift you can add those if you want.  But those $hits are HIGHLY overrated and overpriced and you’d be much better off just getting her the type of candy bar or ice cream she likes and save yourself 30 beans.  And i guess i could get her a manicure/pedicure gift certificate that i get her for almost every occasion.  But let’s be honest, getting her that same gift every holiday is more played out then Gangnam Style and the Harlem Shake combined.

So yeah, basically what i’m saying is i have no idea what i’m getting my mom.  Hopefully something comes to me but if not what can i do it’s pretty much my moms fault.  How is it not???  Get a hobby and/or like some things for crying out loud!!  Personally i couldn’t be easier to buy a gift for.  “Here you go miguel, something with the Simpsons on it!” Awesome, that’s my favorite you’re the best!  “Oh miguel check this out, it’s a bottle of Svedka Clementine and a bottle of club soda!”  Wow, you’re the money!  That’s just what i wanted!  “Happy birthday miguel jose!  Here is your ounce of Pineapple Express!”  OMG THANK YOU FOR THE GREATEST GIFT EVER!!!

So happy mothers day to all you moms out there.  i know i bust on you gals a lot but it’s only because i love you.  And also because it’s a known fact that once you have a kid there’s no coming back for your body.  i mean let’s be honest, if your car gets hit by an 18 wheeler driving ninety miles an hour you can take it to the shop to get fixed but we all know that car will never be the same.  i mean look at Kim Kardashian, she’s not even technically a mom but her body is ruined forever!!

And before all of the moms reading this blog REALLY stop reading me for good let me just say i’m just teasing.  i know it’s kind of a jerk move to go this route especially on Mother’s day.  But let it never be said that i don’t enjoy being a huge ahole.  And the truth is i do respect moms and i do think they are the toughest people on the planet, no joke.  Not just because of the child birth thing, i mean because they have the job of raising every single person on the planet.  You can’t say men share this same job, because lots of times they don’t even have to stick around.  Many guys won’t even send his ex child support payments which shows what low life dirt bags guys really are.

But when it comes down to it moms are always there, and i know i wouldn’t be where i am today without my mom.  It’s a shame that none of us really appreciate everything our mom does for us until we get older, but then again that pretty much sums up their job.  A mom is there to raise you and guide you until you don’t need her anymore, and she wouldn’t be able to do that if she worried about whether her child actually appreciated her or not.  A mom’s job is to love unconditionally, and it’s our jobs as their children to not realize it or return it until we are mature enough to do so.  And even though i’m not 100% there yet i do at least know i love my mom more then anything and i appreciate everything the rest of you moms out there do!  Even when i’m making fun of you!!  🙂

-For the record, if you girlfriend holds her belly on Mother’s day and looks up at you with a smile and goes, “Happy mothers day to me!” as a joke you are legally allowed to punch her.  Alright maybe it’s not “legal” but who cares, punch her.  Punch her hard!  Because that wasn’t funny.

-So at first i was surprised how many girls had photos of themselves wearing fake mustaches in their “Cinco de Mayo” photo albums but then i realized they weren’t fake and i’m just friends with a lot of Italian girls…

OMG miguel that was so offensive!!”  Well first of all, i’ve already written about how Italian girls are the hottest women on the planet and how i don’t have a chance with any of them because they are out of my league.  So let’s relax if if you think i’m serious.  And the other thing is that NOBODY, not any Italians nor anyone else for that matter that is friends with me wished me a “Happy Cinco de Mayo!”  And i guarantee i’m the only Mexican you guys know besides your landscaper or the guy who washes dishes and buses tables at the restaurant you used to work at, so for none of you to at least think of me hurts my feelings and now these are the kinds of jokes you get!

Whatever Happened To…  Spuds MacKenzie?

Now if you know me you know i HATE advertising.  But you should also know by now that i always give credit where credit is due, and this ad campaign was the money!  i mean he’s a dog that parties!  And he gets chicks!  How did Bud light ever stop doing this?? i know i wish i were the guru of good times instead of the blogger of awfulness.

And i know Jewell, Bud light had to stop using him because all of these different groups of uptight jerkoffs that were complaining that Spuds promoted drinking to children and also because he was portrayed as a dog who banged all this bitches, literally.  But in reality the dog that played Spuds McKenzie was a girl.  Did you all know that?  Probably not.  And yeah this dog died in the early 90’s but i say find a clone and bring that party animal back!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- To all the fellas, if you see a pregnant woman, NEVER ASK HER IF SHE’S HAVING TWINS!  These big fat whales are already self conscious enough, so asking her if she’s having twins is the worst idea ever.  Or if you do want to ask her that just make sure to say, “Wow, even for a pregnant woman you are really really fat!”  Because that is basically what you are saying anyway.  i know guys are the worst and trying to help them out is a losing cause but i try to do what i can.

Fast Food Tips – Starbucks has a deal through May 13th for half price Frappucinnos from 3-5.  Which personally seems like a ghetto deal, because who can get to a Starbucks from 3-5?  Most people work till 5 so what are they supposed to do, leave work early?  Doesn’t seem worth it to me, especially because if you left work early you would have to use your paid time off and those hours are WAY more valuable then a stupid coffee.   So yeah i’m guessing that Starbucks put this deal out knowing most people wouldn’t be able to do it which seems pretty lame.  Although if everyone reading my blog goes and takes advantage of this deal then hopefully the company will lose money!  i can dream, can’t i?

And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope this weather stays nice out so all you moms can enjoy a fantastic weekend.  And to the rest of you make sure you hit up a happy hour after work or at least call your “guy” and get a delivery of the fun stuff for later.  It’s Friday for crying out loud!!!
Although before i bounce, i have to give my first money shout of the week in a while.  i won’t get into his story because you should all know it by now.  But the world is a better place with this guy in it and i’d hate myself if i didn’t give credit where credit is due!!
The Money $hout-out of the Week-

Cya on Tuesday with an all new blog!   @migueljose_85

2 Responses to “A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~ Irish Proverb”

  1. Stefanie May 10, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    this blog was hysterical. and sorry that I forgot to wish you a happy cinco de mayo but I did go to Chappalla with your sister and your dad so it's kinda ok casue I was hanging out with your family =)

    and thanks for the Starbucks tip. definitely will be taking a late lunch that day so I can go and take advantage of the deal.

    love you..have a good weekend!

    -Stef =)


  2. Berlin.Johnny May 10, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    If your girl gets pregnant, the other thing you could do is chain her up, starve her for two weeks, and punch her in the stomach repeatedly until she miscarries. They call that a “Cleveland Style” abortion.


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