You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It’s when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like "Hey, I’m glad you’re gone". – Jesse "Before Sunrise"

30 Apr

What is up kids?

So has everyone seen the movies, “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset”?  i mean i guess you don’t have to watch them, unless of course you’d like to know what true love is REALLY all about…

But yeah i guess you could say i’m a big sensitive pu$$y when it comes to the subject of “love.”  i mean i’d like to lie to you say that i’m not, but i couldn’t do that to my faithful readers.  Not when you would see right through me in two seconds anyway.  i mean i already told you that i cried at the scene with Jessie in “Toy Story 2” where Sara McLaughlin sings “When She Loved Me.”  i mean honestly, what more do you want from me?!?!

But even being a sucker for love like i am, there are definitely some problems that i’ve noticed between men and women that i’d like to talk about today if i might.  Like for example, when it comes to men in relationships do you ladies want to know what the biggest problem guys have with their women?  It’s not that you gals don’t understand sports, or because you make your boyfriends watch shows like “Top Chef” and “Real Housewives of White Trash America.”  Those are the kinds of things that men can actually deal with.

The thing that bothers the guy the most though, is how much time his girl wants to spend with him.  Can you believe that?  Well you should because it’s true.  Most guys biggest problem is how often their girl wants to be with their man.  This is the woman that at first the man was DYING to get.  You know, the girl he loved with all of his heart and the one person he spent countless sleepless nights dreaming about and hoping that one day they would be together.  And now the guy gets her and she wants to spend all of her time with him because she loves him and thinks the world of him… and it drives the guy f*cking crazy!!

So yeah, some beautiful girl wants to spend all of her time with her marginally attractive at best boyfriend yet this is what ends up being the biggest problem in the relationship.  Why are guys such idiots?  Why do we complain about the thing that we once wanted more then anything in the world?   For real, this is the true definition of “White people” problems.  Do you know what white people problems are?  Louie C.K. explained it best, but they are the kind of problems white people make up to be depressed about when in reality they already have everything in life one could ever need.  They already own a house and a car, a loving wife and family as well as all the food they can eat and all the friends one could hope to cherish and love.  These people have everything, but instead of being happy they invent things to be depressed over.  Just like men in relationships!

So trust me guys, every time you get annoyed that your girl is asking you to go that Christening you don’t want to go to, or when she makes those plans to go apple picking during football season, or even when she invites you to meet all of her old college friends that you heard all those awful stories about that you never thought you would have to meet…

Just be happy she’s with you, you silly basterd!!  Of course you don’t want to do those things, but of course if we started doing things that we wanted she could bang someone who is much hotter and has a much bigger penis then you.  And speaking of penises, stop being such a dick and make sure you let that girl know how much you love her and appreciate her!!  And never forget the old saying, “A happy wife equals a happy nothing, because as any guy knows having a happy wife and/or girlfriend is gddamn impossible!!”  🙂

-i hate when people call out politicians by saying, “they are only saying and/or doing that to get elected!” Oh yeah?  No f’n $hit buddy!  That’s kind of their job, don’tcha think?  You might as well call out a guy for doing anything to try and get laid.

 A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Diddly Squats” or “The Jack Squats,”  whichever you prefer i guess.  That’s two for one though kids, you are WELCOME!

-Do i ever talk about abortion?  i’m guessing no, even though it’s HILARIOUS!  But to be honest i don’t even get the argument against being “Pro Choice.”  It’s supposed to be a free gddamn country isn’t it?  You’re telling me that men will fight for the right to own guns and assault weapons and carry 30 round clips without background checks, yet a woman shouldn’t have the right to decide what to do with her own body?  Yeah that sounds about right.  No guy should have ANY input on what a woman does with her child.  None.  Can’t everyone just leave everyone alone?  Why the f*ck does anyone care if that chick over there had an abortion, or if that guy wants to marry that other guy?  That does not keep me up at night.  Grow up everyone who doesn’t get it.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  This one applies to those of us who have ever been a waiter or waitress before.  And oh yeah, if you have never worked as one in your life you are probably a real ahole.  But to those of us who have, don’t you just love the people at restaurants that have to calculate the tip they give you EXACTLY?  Like when the bill is $11.39 and those cheap basterds only want to tip you 10% they will literally calculate it out and give you $1.15 to the penny?  Really guy?  Thanks a$$face.  Definitely don’t round it up or anything.  Obviously it would KILL you to just give me 2 beans.  Don’t you realize how insulting 15 cents is?  Of  course you don’t, because you live in a your own world that revolves soley around you and because you are a cheap ahole.  If i’m ever a waiter again and someone tries to pull this $hit on me i’m not even going to accept the tip anymore.  Instead i will bring them back the full $1.15 and tell them, “i’m sorry, but your tip has been declined.”  The jerk0ff customer won’t get it but it sure as hell will make me laugh!!

And yes i know that 10% of $11.39 is $1.14 or actually $1.139 if you want to be an exact dick about it.  i just like to make you OCD math nerds a little angry for a hot one.  i apologize that doing so is something that makes me laugh.  No i don’t.

Fast Food Tips – So if you read this blog then you should know by now that i have given up eating fast food for 2013.  Not writing about fast food or whacking off when i watch commercials about it, i’ve just given up the eating part.  And to be honest it’s not really that difficult, because i never really crave fast food THAT badly.  But if there is one thing i miss it’s fast food breakfast, because there is nothing better then starting your day with a greasy McDonald’s sausage McGriddle and then ending your day on the bowl shortly thereafter.

But if you like McDonald’s breakfast and would just like it to be a tad less worse for you body well then you prayers have been answered.  McDonald’s now offers all of it’s egg sandwiches with egg whites and creamy white cheddar.  From the Egg White McGriddle to the Egg White McMuffin, this brand new line sounds so good i just covered the front of my shorts with my own personal creamy white cheddar!  Bon Appetite kids!

And that’s it for me today!  Although people always ask me, “Hey miguel!  What does it really look like when you “pop” all over yourself thinking about these fast food items?”  And while i know no one has really ever asked me that before ever, and while i certainly don’t want to gross out any of my readers, here is a gingerbread representation of what it looks like when i “pop” my pants around a group of friends…

C’mon miguel, GROW UP!”  Never!  And i will see you guys on Friday for my next blog!!

Although before i go, once again i have a super exclusive interview on “Here Comes the Money!”

MY SECOND INTERVIEW EVER!!  This time i was able to speak to NBA player Jason Collins, who is the first pro athlete of any major sports to come out as “the gay.”  As you could imagine he is extremely busy these days, with everyone from Stephen Colbert to Oprah wanting to interview him.  But as luck would have it, i was able to ask this brave young man one quick question.  And when i asked him if he had any words to the gay community, as well as any words to potential gay athletes that may want to seek him out for advice, Jason Collins simply said…


Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85


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