I’m happy, I’m feeling glad. I got sunshine, in a bag. I’m useless, but not for long. The future is coming on… – The Gorillaz "Clint Eastwood"

26 Apr

THE BLOG WHERE I ATTEMPT TO BEAT THE BUFFALO AND BECOME AN EXCLUSIVE MEMBER OF JIMMY GEEZ NUCLEAR CLUB

What is up kids?

It’s Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday.  Everybody looking forward to the weekend? Or at the very least are you hoping there will be one Friday ever when i don’t bring up music ICON Rebecca Black?  Well put your hope in one hand and a take a big giant $hit in the other and see which one gets you anywhere because i’m never stopping!  Cause i’m partyin’ partyin’ YEAH! Partyin’ Partyin’ YEAH! FUN FUN FUN FUN! Lookin’ forward to the weekend!

So yeah i’m in a great gddamn mood today.  Sure this beautiful weather has something to do with it, but it’s more likely because for once in my miserable life i actually started working hard on some projects that i’ve had in mind for a LONG time.  Some of it’s personal and you don’t get to hear about that just yet.  But i’ve also written a new act to go do some open mics again, i started filming a new comedy show that i can’t f’n WAIT to show you guys.  But most importantly i did my first ever spicy wing challenge this week!

Actually i’m lying, i’ve done at least one other “spicy” wing challenge.  But that was at Buffalo Wild Wings and it was pretty much a joke.  All you had to do was eat a dozen of their hottest wings in 6 minutes, but the wings weren’t that big and they DEFINITELY weren’t that hot so that challenge was zero problem.  So much so that i barely even count it as far as challenges go, even though i did get the money t-shirt.

What was not a joke however, was the “Jimmy Geez 40 NUCLEAR Wing Challenge.” A challenge i took this past Tuesday not having a clue what i was about to get myself into.   The rules were simple enough, you have two hours to eat 40 of Jimmy Geez hottest wings.  You can have any beverage you want and all the blue cheese that you need, but the wings needed to be cleaned to the bone.  If you win the challenge you get a t-shirt, your picture on the wall with the other 8 people who have beaten it and you get the 40 wings for free!  If you lose you get nothing, and you have to pay the $50 for all 40 wings no matter how many you finished.

Now let me tell you kids, i’ve been talking about doing a real food challenge for a VERY long time.  “Man v Food” has been one of my favorite shows for years now, and the best part of the show (besides Adam Richman’s fantastic personality) is wondering whether or not i could actually do said challenge.  For years i’ve been saying i needed to try a challenge, any challenge.  But for one reason or another (mostly being a lazy ahole) i had never done one.  Until this week that is!!

To prepare for the challenge i did what any normal person would do before eating 40 nuclear Buffalo wings. i did a power half hour of Natty light, threw up after i was done, ate a banana to help coat my stomach from the heat, and took two Imodium to help stop the anal pain that was sure to come in the next few days. All of this along with some herbal treatment had me ready for the challenge, so out i went to to finally live my dream…

But it turned out to be more of a nightmare.  i just could not prepare myself for the pure volume that this challenge was going to be. When i say these wings were big, i mean they were GDDAMN HUGEMONGOUS!! They were basically the size of a chicken leg that you would get from KFC.  And while maybe they weren’t exactly that big, these wings were also drenched in their nuclear wing sauce.  A sauce that the people around me only took a small taste of and their entire mouth was on fire.

Now as i’ve said before on this blog i’m a horrible Mexican.  i’ve never been to Mexico, i don’t speak Spanish, and even my pretend Spanish accent is GOD AWFUL.  But if there is one Hispanic thing about me besides my name and skin color, it’s the fact that i can handle spicy food.  So as far as the wings go while they were super spicy that was clearly not going to be the biggest problem. The biggest problem was the size of the wings, so once my 2 hours started i went at them as fast and as hard as i could!

But it became clear to me a half hour in that this challenge was going to be really hard, borderline impossible.  So hard in fact i didn’t think there was a chance that i could do it.  For the first time in my life i could hear myself saying “it’s just too much meat to put in my mouth!”  Even with a hefty 2 hour time limit, the size of the wings and yes even the nuclear heat seemed like it was going to be too much for your humble narrator. But i wasn’t going to lose this challenge by throwing in the towel, i was going to lose by eating as many wings as i gddamn could!  But losing was most definitely in my future, and with a crowd of people at the bar awaiting to see my fate, along with my supportive girlfriend who was rooting me on but had her own doubts i was getting ready for my failure and already trying to come up with excuses for when my friends started mocking me endlessly…

So as the clock ticked down and my time almost up i did the best i could.  Defeat was certain, but there was no way i was going out without giving it a try.  But then at the last second, somehow, someway i took all the meat that was left and shoved it in my mouth the way i did so many countless college nights before.  And i couldn’t be prouder to report to you right now that MIGUEL JOSE BEAT THE NUCLEAR WING CHALLENGE!!  

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So if you read this blog and i’m assuming you don’t, you know that i always like to give credit where credit is due.  Which is why i have to give a shout out to my money girlfriend, because there was ZERO CHANCE that i could have beaten that challenge without her.  Not just because she was rooting for me, but because she made sure to keep me supplied with plenty of wet naps and napkins and fresh drinks and blue cheese…  just like she normally does when we are in bed!  But i needed all of those things in order to win this challenge, because it literally took me until the last second before i won. So thank you to Jen for helping out my dumb ass, you are definitely the best 🙂

Whatever Happened To…  Jessie Camp From MTV?

If anyone was wondering MTV’s true “Jump the Shark” moment it was when this annoying voiced bag of douche won the “Wanna be a VJ” contest, a contest that to this day Jewell still thinks voted in the correct winner.  C’mon JEWELL!!  Don’t think i forgot when you were like, “That guy Jesse is the best!  He’s so wacky and funny, and he embodies Rock in Roll! And i always thought my favorite band was “Bad Religion,” but after hearing Jesse’s band “Jesse and the 8th Street Kidz” which i knew would be bad ass because of the “z” at the end of kidz i became a believer for life!  i’ll always be in Jesse’s “Camp!“”

Ugh, c’mon Jewell.  C’MON

And while we’re on the subject of bands with a lead singer named Jesse,

Whatever Happened To… Jesse and the Rippers?

Do you guys remember them?  They were Uncle Jesse’s band from “Full House” that put out that one amazing video.  And since i know some of you loved that hit song “Forever,” i’m going to post the full video for you right now!

Oh and for the record, if every word i wrote could make you laugh i’d write forever…

– Do you guys know how to tell if eggs are fresh or not?  i had a conversation recently about fresh eggs because i’m a stupid grown up now and that’s what stupid grown ups do.  But i was intrigued to hear how amazing super fresh eggs taste and now i’m kind of obsessed with them.  Anyways if you are obsessed with fresh eggs now too here is a helpful chart to help increase your insanity!


“Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?” 
– George Carlin

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i love “Man vs Food”, and i love Adam Richman.  But have any of you seen the new season, “Man vs Food Nation” that’s on Travel channel?  You should have, mostly because it’s the summer and there is NOTHING good on T.V.  But yeah don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that he is so much fatter this season, even after he gained all that weight after the first season. Apparently eating 5 pounds of burritos and splitting a 10 pound pizza isn’t good for your health!  Although speaking of which, while it is true Adam has no problem attempting all of these these crazy challenges, i have to admit i kinda think it’s our fault.  i mean he’s always on T.V. because we all love to watch him 24-7.  So technically by watching his show all the time we are murdering him.  That’s right, the more you enjoy his show the more you are slowly killing him.  What i’m basically trying to tell you people is that we are all murderers.  Enjoy your Friday.

Fast Food FACTSSo i’m not that picky about what i put into my mouth.  WAIT!  What i meant to say was that normally i have zero problem putting random meats between my lips and sucking all the salt and juice out of them.  WAIT NO!!!  What i REALLY meant to say is i’m gay.  Although speaking of random “meats”, do you like McDonald’s hamburgers?  Sure you do, they are salty greasy deliciousness!  Although if you noticed i did not use the word “meaty” in that description, mostly due to a disturbing story i read on the Green4u Facebook page.  (Could someone go there an “like” that page so she knows some of my fans checked it out?  No, not all of you. i know most of you are lazy and useless and i expect that.  But can ONE of you please go do that today and be my best friend?  The link is right there for crying out loud!!)

Anyways, the article starts with a picture of one of said burgers and at first glance it looks like your regular garden variety McDonald’s burger.

Looks normal enough right?  Which is scary because this burger is 14 YEARS OLD!!  That’s right my fast food loving friends.  The chemicals they add to this so called” food” are added so that it doesn’t decompose, which is odd because if you have ever seen most food FOOD IS SUPPOSSED TO DECOMPOSE!!  So good luck with that dollar menu everyone!  That burger is going to be with you a very long time…

MY FIRST INTERVIEW EVER!!!   With the NFL draft fresh on everyone’s mind, i thought it was my duty to step it up and catch a hot scoop on one football’s premier players.  Which is why it was so amazing that i had a chance to speak to former New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis after his recent trade to Tampa Bay.

What i learned was that Revis is really a humble man.  To be honest i expected him to a very proud individual, almost arrogant if you will.  But it turns out he is a man of few words.  Well actually it was only two words, because when i asked him if he had any last words for the entire New York Jets organization and their fans he simply said…

LATER DICKS!

And that’s it for me kids.  Holy S was that an entertaining blog!  i swear when i start charging you guys for this blog i will not feel bad at ALL.

But have a great weekend everyone!  i’m seeing Joe Rogan do stand up tonight for my first time ever so i’m fired up for that, and it’s my boy’s bday weekend so i’m sure i’ll be a complete bombed mess until next Tuesday. Speaking of Tuesday that’ll be when my next new blog is up, so make sure you come back and i will see you all then!!

Cya, @migueljose_85


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One Response to “I’m happy, I’m feeling glad. I got sunshine, in a bag. I’m useless, but not for long. The future is coming on… – The Gorillaz "Clint Eastwood"”

  1. Anonymous April 26, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

    Let's go Rangers!!!

    Like

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