I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. – Sam Kinison

16 Apr

What’s up kids.

So terrorist attack or not, i’m telling some gddamn jokes today on this blog.  Even though i’m a tad distracted and it’s hard to not just feel anger at the people behind this.  i mean what piece of $hit motherf*ckers bomb a marathon?  Has anyone ever been to a marathon?  It is a collection of the nicest people, greatest athletes, and just about as good a crowd of humans that you can get together.  Everyone is rooting for each other, there is nothing but good vibes amongst the crowd while just the idea of participating is enough to make everyone a winner.

Speaking of participating, i guess being a lazy fat f*ck paid off for once!  Because Lord knows you’d never be caught dead running a marathon!” You son of a b!tch, how dare you make fun of me at a time like this!  Who can make jokes like that after what happened!  “Um, i’m pretty sure YOU can.  Don’t you remember what you JUST said??”

So terrorist attack or not, i’m telling some gddamn jokes today on this blog.

Oh yeah, i did just say that.  Sorry kids.  Like i said i’m a tad distracted.  It’s hard not to be when you think of all the innocent people that were affected by this tragedy.  i mean honestly, a marathon is what you attack you f*cking aholes?  You soulless, gutless pu$$ies who don’t have balls to attack our military so instead you go after women and children?

i guess it’s because i have been surrounded by love all my life, from my family to my friends.  But i just can’t understand the amount of hate that people have in their heart to carry out acts like this.  i’ve always felt like that though.  i can’t hold a grudge to save my life.  Is there anything worse then trying to hold onto a grudge?  Although every Italian girl reading this is like “Are you kidding?  i still won’t talk to that girl who stole my doll in second grade!  i will hate her till my death!”  But that’s Italian girls and we all know what maniacs they are.  What hot, sexy maniacs they are.

But i don’t like to hold grudges.  They just feel like this heavy weight on my heart and i’d rather just get over it.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i don’t let people walk all over me and never do anything about it.  i’m just saying at some point it’s not worth to have any negativity in your life, so i do my best to keep it out when i can.

Because we only get one life kids, and as we saw yesterday and unfortunately countless times before that life can be over in an instant.  So if we have such a limited amount of time on this blue green rock, why would we ever want to fill it with death and hatred?  i mean of course we are going to feel that way sometimes, it’s not a matter of “if” it’s a matter of “when” and we can’t help that.  But what we can help is how we react after, and personally i have always chose to focus on the positive and enjoy every last second on this planet that i can with no regrets.

But again, that doesn’t mean i don’t hope we don’t find these f*ckers and murder the $hit out of them.  F*ck those motherf*ckers till they’re dead and i hope they die screaming in pain and agony for hours.  But i won’t dwell on what an unpleasant and evil world we live in sometimes.  i’d rather focus on the runners who after they finished the marathon ran straight to the hospital to give blood.  Or the people you see running towards the explosion to help people out instead of an “every man for himself” mentality.  Sometimes it takes a tragedy to see that maybe we aren’t all just selfish pieces of $hit that don’t care about helping others.  The media likes us to think that way to keep us separated as people, but that’s not necessarily the whole truth.

The truth is that mostly everyone one of us is the money, and some more then others.  Obviously i’m the gddamn MONEY and all of you can’t hope to be that.  But i’m pretty fearless when i write on this blog because i know SOMEBODY out there has to know what i’m talking about.  i know some of you lunatics get how i feel, and when people understand where you’re coming from that is how you form a real human connection.  Which is really all we want in life.  From our family to our friends to our loves.  Which is why i was rattled when i heard about this in Boston, because Americans were attacked which means we were all attacked.  And that’s why we will all stick together, and why we are all with you today Boston.

Or at least until the Yankees play the Red Sox, then it’s back on suckas!!


-Am i allowed to make one inappropriate joke today?  Well i don’t care because i’m going too.  But while yesterday was definitely a senseless tragedy, it is still not the worst bomb to ever go off in Boston.  That honor of course, goes to Jewell’s all-time favorite movie, “Celtic Pride.”  

C’mon, the six of you that got that joke thought it was funny!

-Do you guys remember “Construct a Straw?”  It’s those wacky straws with the soulless ginger on the box that lets you form silly shapes to make drinking more fun.

OMG those were the BEST!”  Actually no, no they weren’t.  But that doesn’t mean i can’t make jokes about them on my blog when i find people on the Interwebs who were smart enough to come up with the greatest use for these straws ever!

Best Use of a Construct a Straw Ever!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Dumb-Dumbs

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So is it not a classy move when you get a margarita at Chilli’s to just put a big straw in the large jug it comes in instead of drinking it out of the margarita glass they want you to drink it out of?  Why can’t i do that?  What am i, the Pope?  Next thing you’ll be telling me i need to wear pants!  But for real, why sip on that stupid glass when i can just get right to the source?  i’d like to get that goodness in me immediately please!  And don’t judge me, i’m Mexican so if that’s how i drink a margarita don’t tell me i’m wrong you honkeys!  Although if you are Hispanic and want to tell me what i’m doing is wrong please go ahead, i know i’m an awful human being.  But only you’re allowed to tell me that, not all those other crackers because then it’d be racist.

Girly Stuff! 🙂 In case any guy cares what a girl sees when she looks at one of her “rag mags” and i know you do not.  Here is an explanation on what the woman “really” sees and most likely the reason all of them are so crazy…

Fast Food Tips – For the longest time Wendy’s refused to add any new items to their menu.  i mean sure they would have some random new sandwiches once in a while, but it was always the same ones around the same time of the year and it got pretty predictable.  However, with Burger King adding 5 new items to their menu daily and places like Taco Bell adding every gddamn Doritos flavor on the planet to their disgusting tacos.  That little ginger broad realized she needed to step it up fast!  Which it’s why it’s nice to see Wendy’s new “Chicken Flatbread Sandwiches,” because let’s be honest Wendy’s does have the money chicken sandwiches already.  There is the “Smoky Honey Mustard” flatbread as well as the “Asiago Ranch” chicken flatbread.  Which is funny because these sandwiches look so terrific i coated the front of my shorts with my own smokey honey mustard just looking at them!  And no i’m not going to stop that bit ever.  Maybe when it’s not hilarious, but we all know we haven’t reached that point yet!

And that’s it for me today kids.  i know yesterday hit closer to home for some people more then others, but either way i hope i was able to make you laugh or at least distract you for a little bit.  And if i did neither then MAN am i a terrible writer!  But i doubt that because today’s blog was pretty money i must say.

So enjoy and be grateful for the rest of the week kids.  This Friday will be my third ever “4/20” blog and TRUST me you do not want to miss that!  After my birthday and Halloween it’s my third favorite holiday, so you’ll want to join in on the fun this Friday when i am back with a new blog!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85


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