Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. – Mitch Hedberg

12 Apr


What is up kids?

So if i haven’t told you guys,  i’ve been drinking a lot of wine these days.  And to be honest i’m trying to figure out if i’m okay with it.  Because let’s face it, wine is kind of a girls drink.  Well definitely white wine, that’s not even an argument.  If you are a guy and you like white wine well then you are gayer then these two guys…

But even though i drink Red wine, i can see your argument that doing so makes me at least a little gay.  Although red wine is less gay then white!! And i can’t even drink white wine, it gives me headaches every time.  “And it probably makes your pu$$y hurt too! So whatever you do be careful!  You’re a growing young lady who just had her period for the first time.  Your body is going to go through a lot of changes princess!”  Wow, thanks for that.  i get it, i’m gay because i drink red wine.  Carry on.

So yeah as far as wine goes i would probably say i dig Merlot the best.  Followed by Cab, and then Pinot Noir i guess.  And i’m definitely no connoisseur.  i try to buy what’s on sale every time, and i never spend more then $12 on a bottle.  Who am i kidding it’s usually a $6 bottle of Yellowtail.  “OMG i love that wine!”  Yeah i know you do, everyone does.  Because everyone who drinks wine drinks it for the same reasons.  It tastes pretty good, and you don’t get super bombed.  Instead you get super fun buzzed and happy which is why all broads do it.  And that’s why i do it now too,  i like being super fun buzzed and happy!!

Although it’s weird when i drink wine at my parents house.  My Marine father always offers me beer or scotch.  And then when i tell him i’m just going to have some wine he’s like, “Really? Wine?  Whatever queer, enjoy your new laws on gay marriage.”  And i’m like WHOA Dad!  That is really wrong of you to say!  But he never cares because it never really happened and i’m just making it all up for this joke.

And regardless, i’m going to continue to drink red wine.  i like the taste, i dig the buzz, and it makes me feel classy.  Especially now that i watch “Game of Thrones.”  All the royalty on that show CONSTANTLY drinks wine.  But they drink it out of awesome goblets that make it look super cool, which makes me think i need to invest in one.  No, not like a pimp cup.  That’s so 2000 and late.  i’m talking a straight up goblet of a king.  A gaudy monstrosity that makes me look like a real prick, the way that Stella Artois glass makes you look like a pretentious bag of douche.  Although who cares, because that is one delicious beer!

Although despite the fantastically obnoxious “chalice,” i still stick to drinking Natty light 30 packs.  i keep trying to class it up with a “better” beer, but nothing is as smooth and less filling then a cold Natty Light.  Which is another reason i’m glad i like wine.  Apparently it’s classier to bring a $12 bottle of wine to a party then it is to bring a $16 thirty pack of Natural light.  Especially to that Christening where everyone told me the same thing…
And if there is a point somewhere in this entire rant it is simply this:  It’s gddamn Friday!  i don’t care what your drink, just make sure you get to a happy hour and order a bunch of them.  And even if you are a guy who enjoys wine like me don’t fret.  There are still ways to drink wine obsessively as well as  still partying your face off!! 

-So i saw the coolest thing EVER last week and for some reason i keep forgetting to tell you all about it.  Until now!  No joke, this thing is the GREATEST GAME EVER!  And if someone (*cough JEWELL *cough*) wants to spearhead a campaign and take up a collection from all of the readers of this blog in order to buy this game for me as a token of appreciation for all of the free comedy i give to you, well let me just say that would be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and i thank you in advance.  “But what’s the game miguel jose???” i know that’s what you’re asking, and i’m going to tell you.  Actually, i’ll show it to you first…

It’s a beer pong Arcade game!  Obviously they don’t fill the cups up with beer, you’ll have to have your own beer in hand to drink while you play.  But they set up a line you have to stand behind, and as you hit the cups it turns off the light inside so you know that cup is done and they also show it on the screen above for you as well.  And it has an automatic ball return so you never have to do anything!   Can someone just buy this for me so i could just play it forever and drink nonstop Natty lights until i throw up on the arcade game and ruin it and then kill myself please?!?!  You’d be my most best friend ever!!!

-So do you guys think it is f’d up how funny i think it is to scare my dog with the vacuum cleaner?  Man do i get a kick out of that!  He’s a pretty big dog too, you would think he’d get mad or something.  But instead he turns into an immediate pansy whenever he sees the vacuum come out.  i don’t even have to turn it on!  Once he sees that “scary” machine he takes off up the stairs IMMEDIATELY.  And i have to admit, sometimes i take the vacuum out just to scare him because i can. Does that make me some kind of ahole?  Well i don’t care, it’s not my dog it’s my roommate’s.  Does that make me any less of a douche bag?  No?  Oh well.  i’m not going to change my behavior, i was just wondering.

It’s nice to hear about you vacuuming you dirty Mexican!  Although i’d much rather if you mowed my lawn then came inside my house, we kind of have a rule about having your kind in there!”  Wow.  i’d probably be offended at your racism if Hispanics weren’t taking over this country.  Keep making those immigration laws more lax my friends!  We were already coming over in droves when we weren’t allowed in this countryanyway.  This just makes it all the easier to conquer you.  Viva Los Estados Unidos!

You don’t like it?? You can get out!!

i can’t say i hope to offend someone every time i write a bit, but i seriously hope at least one person got mad reading that last joke.  And please know i literally laughed out loud when i found that flag picture online.  i love the Interwebs!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – For my money the best game to get girls drunk is flip cup, hands down.  First of all they all love it, and secondly it’s really the only game they’ll play anyway.  They won’t play beer pong, or if they do they are always awful at it.  At best they will be not the worst.  But you can always get a ton of girls to play flip cup.  It’s a very quick game, it’s easy to play and you don’t really drink that much.  In theory anyways, because sure a quick “sip” before flipping that cup isn’t much.  But the game only lasts 15 seconds, and once it’s over the losing team wants a rematch immediately!  So once you play 10 or so games in a row most of these girls are “bombed.”  Or in other words, “mission accomplished.”  No one even keeps score, you just kinda keep playing and playing switching people in and out so everyone gets bombed.  And oh yeah for the record, guys should never play flip cup if it’s just guys. Or even mostly guys for that matter.  Any guy that is down to play flip cup when it’s not to get a bunch of girls drunk is one shady motherf*cker.  But anyways thank you girls for playing flip cup, you are the money.

“Facebook etiquette”- This “National Sibling Day” is a bunch of nonsense.  Who makes up this crap?  And when do they do it?  i never heard about any votes for new holidays.  Does anyone else remember this $hit growing up?  Of course not, because it’s made up garbage.  i love how everyone on Facebook jumped on the bandwagon though.  “OMG i love my brothers and sisters!”  Oh really?  How original.  Next thing you know you’ll write an entire blog about how much you love your mother…

And that’s it for me today kids!  Holy f’n $hitballs this blog was fantastic!  i know all of you were thinking it but i figured i’d also put it down in writing to make it more official.  And whatever, it’s my blog so i do what i want!!

But have a great weekend kids.  And special thanks to Jay John who has already made my Here Comes the Money Facebook Page a million times better and more fun then ever.  He’s almost making my FB page funnier then my actual blog!!  Almost…

But yeah thanks to him for helping me out, and thanks to all my new readers and the new people to the page.  i just might get enough followers to take over this entire planet yet!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85


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