All women become like their mothers, that is their tragedy. No man does. That is his. – Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"

9 Apr

What is up kids?

So i’m going to take a break from my normal tomfoolery today.   No, not just because i’m feeling lazy on this warm Spring Tuesday morning.  So lazy in fact that i just “hired” someone to help me run my HERE COMES THE MONEY… Facebook page from now on.  A page that you all better have “liked” on Facebook by now!  Either click that link above or click on the link on the side of my blog that says “DON’T FORGET TO “LIKE” MY PAGE ON FACEBOOK!!”    What are you waiting for??? Go do it already!!

But anyways, the reason i’m writing a different kind of rant today is because today is my mother’s birthday!  And while normally she is not allowed to even read my blog let alone talk to me about it, today i will make this one exception.  So happy birthday Ma!  And i hope you enjoy the last blog you are EVER allowed to read!  Because this one is for you 🙂

So let me just first say that i can’t imagine another mother on the planet that would not have strangled me in my sleep when i was growing up besides my own mother.  Things are different now, because now that i’m older i realize what a terror i must have been to live with.  But after how terrible i was growing up it’s crazy to me to think about the relationship that me and my mother now have.  Our relationship is great now, mostly because i am old enough to realize and appreciate everything that my mom and dad did for all five of us kids growing up.  And at this age i can honestly say that i’ve never felt closer to my mom in my entire life.  Or my Father either for that matter.  But whatever, this blog isn’t for him it’s for my mom haha.

And to be honest it does hurt me to think about all the years wasted between me and mother while i was growing up.  Mostly because i was awful, and i do regret that it took me such a long time to appreciate all that they had done for me.   This regret does not linger long however, because the fact that i am now closer to both my parents then i have ever been in my life means the world to me.  And the fact that i could tell my mom anything ever, and that she would still always love and support and accept me is really the greatest possible feeling any son could get from their parents and it is one that i cherish greatly.

But like i said, it wasn’t always this way.  Because i was a NIGHTMARE as a child.  For real, no matter how insane my ramblings sound these days on my blog, it does not COMPARE to what a maniac i was when i was growing up.  i loved to fight and argue about EVERYTHING!  There wasn’t a subject on the planet that i would not get in an argument about.  “Why can’t i stay out later?” Why can’t i watch that movie?” “Why do i have to go to that thing?”  “Why do i have to clean my room?”  “Why? Why? WHY? WHY WHHHHHHHHHHHYY???!?!?!?” Honestly, when i look back at all the arguments i started from about age 8 on i will never understand why my parents didn’t just abandon me at a crowded mall and be done with it.

Because when you’re a kid you never think about those things.  i never stopped to think about how insane it is to try and raise 5 children in one house, while both parents worked in order to do their best to provide for their family.  The only reality i knew was that i had two brothers and two sisters, and that on Saturday morning there was never enough good cereal to get me through an entire morning of cartoons.  That was my only reality, that and the fact that i NEEDED ATTENTION!!  Man was i the typical middle child screaming for attention!  And i was going to get that attention whether it was positive or negative!  And of course by that i mean it was almost always negative…

Although let me be clear, i wasn’t the worst kid ever.  i was (and still am) super annoying, and i was always down to argue and fight over every little thing.  And i’d get in trouble for not listening and not cleaning my room and stuff.  But i wasn’t a bad kid overall.  i didn’t rob people, or do drugs or fail all my subjects in school.  i was simply a know-it-all teenager with a ton of energy and the extreme will and stubbornness to make everything difficult.  But i wasn’t a bad kid, and i believe i can attribute that to the fact that my both of my parents are good people.  Overly annoying and panicky at times, but they are good people with big hearts.

But just like all parents my parents overreact about EVERYTHING!  They always have to be at least a little upset and anxious over SOMETHING.  But as parents go they really did their best to raise us right.  They both believed in God, and they both believed in right and wrong.  They taught all of us to be good hearted and decent people, and looking back at how we all turned out i’d say they did a pretty fantastic job.  Because let’s face it, out of all of the kids i am easily the worst out of us.  Yet despite my horrific sense of humor and the awful language i normally use and my abundant laziness and terrible partying habits, deep down i do believe in love and i do believe in my family, and i can honestly say i can thank my mother for those traits.

And sure my mom may be a whacko who spends half the night not sleeping because she’s is praying and worrying about her kids.  But what mother isn’t a little crazy?  Can you blame any of them? It stars with how insane the mother/child relationship is to begin with.  Basically from the second you are born, your mother does everything she can to help raise you to be a man and not need her anymore.  Got that?  A mother’s primary job is take care of us and love us and protect us and get us ready for the real world.  Yet as soon as her child is ready they leave their moms immediately to go out on their own because they don’t need their mothers anymore.  What kind of crazy human being would volunteer for this kind of painful and heartbreaking relationship???  Oh yeah, our mothers.  That’s who.

And thank God they do, because if they didn’t none of us would be here.  That’s another thing that makes mothers the most special people on Earth.  They are the ones who gave birth to you, and that is a debt that can never really be fully repaid.  Although how do most of us end up trying to repay our mothers?  By being ungrateful and never telling their mothers how they really feel.  Well i’m not doing that today.  Today i want to tell my mom i love her with all of my heart.  i know i make fun of her and tease her all the time, but it’s because she raised me as a smart ass and i can’t help it haha 🙂

But i would hate if you didn’t know how i really feel Ma.  So hopefully after reading this you now have some sort of idea.  i’ve always been a better writer then i am a speaker, so if i’ve never been able to verbalize how i feel to you in person then i apologize.  But just because i’ve never said it this way before doesn’t mean i don’t feel it, so please know that i love you and that i’m proud of everything that you have done and who you are as a person, and that i have felt this way for a very long time.  i like how you always try to be good to other people. i like how you always want everyone around you to feel comfortable and that you go out of your way to be friendly even to strangers.  And i like the fact that i can bring up things to you that you either don’t understand or agree with or both, yet you will still listen and not just form an opinion without hearing what i have to say first.

And i know you just had surgery on your ankle and you will be off of your feet for 6 more weeks, but just know that i’m here for you always.  And also know that i’m glad you’re okay because i can’t imagine my life without you in my life and i never want to.

And yes i know you won’t be around forever, i’m pretty sure you tell me that every time i’m with you these days.  But no matter how long we have left on this planet, just know that i love you now, i will love you forever, and i have always loved you even if i wasn’t smart enough or mature enough to say it.  And i hope you have a very special birthday, even if you can’t leave the living room!!!

Happy birthday mom!!! 🙂   Love, miguel jose xoxoxoxoxo

THAT’S ALL OF MY BLOG YOU’RE ALLOWED TO READ MA!!  i love you and all but the rest of this blog is going to be my normal hilarious filth that you’re never allowed to bring up with me ever.  So you can stop reading now!!!

-Have you ever thought about committing suicide after a break up?  Aren’t you glad you didn’t do it?  i know i’ve spent many a night listening to “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. in the car as i cried with a razor to my wrists, thinking about ending all my pain with one quick SWOOSH of the blade.  Those nights where you can’t sleep and all you can think about is your ex with someone else.  You lay there sweating in your bed at 4 am when you have work in a few hours, never really knowing if you did fall asleep because the pain you feel is so real.  Your stomach stays in knots as you picture a new guy plowing away on your sweet little angel.  i haven’t felt that way in a long time, but MAN did i feel that way a lot growing up!  Everything is so intense in your teens, and/or in your twenties as well if you’re an overly sensitive and emotional pu$$y like i am.  And while i never really had a razor to my wrists, i definitely contemplated suicide quite a bit.  What a drama queen i was!!  And how mad would i be if i actually went through with it?  i’d be so heated at myself if i wasn’t alive right now!!!

-Speaking of homicide, if the NJ Devils don’t make the playoffs this year i am going to murder someone.  Not like pretend “i’m just kidding!” murder someone.   i mean i am going to end the life of a human being.  Most likely Rob… yeah it’s gonna be Rob.

And i don’t really have a “joke” planned for this bit i’m doing now, in fact it’s quite the opposite.  i’m teetering on a borderline murderous rage at the moment, the kind of rage i get in when the Devils don’t win a game in the last 7 motherf*cking games!!  So i just wanted to make sure for the record, that if the Devils keep losing and don’t make the playoffs and the NY Rangers do and for some reason Rob gets found in a ditch buried wearing his Richter jersey while he has a Brodeur Jersey jammed down his throat, well then i just can’t help you with any of that at all officer.  My blog is simply for entertainment, a bunch of jokes and ha ha’s if you will, and nothing i write in my blog is supposed to be taken seriously.  Besides that, i wasn’t even in town during the night of “the incident.”  i was staying at a friends house who can totally verify my alibi.  i mean he can totally say i was there and not out murdering anyone especially Rob.  Let’s go Devils!

-Staying on the death topic, (which to be honest i have no idea how this even started… ) if for some reason i die from alcohol poisoning this week, you can thank the makers of Svedka vodka for their two new flavors that they just introduced.  Those flavors being “Strawberry Colada” and more importantly, “Orange Cream POP.”   For real, just staring at the picture below i can tell you i seriously want to make love to that bottle of that orange vodka.  No joke, i’m going to insert my penis and fill it with my own cream pop.  Or maybe i won’t, but either way if they find me in a dumpster covered in orange liquor you will all know what happened…

Whatever Happened To…?  the show “Arrested Development?”

Well just like any other smart show that has insanely intelligent humor that isn’t just cheap laughs and poor writing like every other sitcom on television it got canceled.  This happened back in 2006, which at this point seems like forever ago.  But fear not friends!  Because by some sort of crazy miracle this amazing show is coming back with a new season on May 26th!  Which is odd because there is almost never good news like this ever, especially about what i may consider to be the best comedy show of all time.  Yeah i said it Jewell.  Anyways it is coming back on Netflix which means all 16 episodes of the new season will released so you can watch the entire season all at once!  Taste the happy Michael!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Whenever there is a group of girls together, like a bunch of friends or something, there is always one girl that is the “big” one in the group.  i guess all guys have their own particular nicknames for that girl, from “Shamu”, to “Landfill” or even “Earthquake,” because when you think about it the possibilities are truly endless.  Personally,  i think a funny nickname to call the big girl in the group is “The Enforcer.”  But to each his own i guess.

Fast Food Tips – Last week i told you about two new awful burgers that Burger King just released that aren’t even worth mentioning again today.  Instead, i want to tell you about two OTHER new items that BK just released, except these two actually sound fantastic.  i’m talking about the BK  “Chipotle” chicken sandwich as well as the new Chipotle Whopper, two fast food items that i desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.  I MEAN that i desperately want to try.  i could tell you all the delicious ingredients that make up each one of these bad boys, but i’m guessing all you need to know about is the bacon and deliciousness and the chipotle.  Although these new items sound so f’n good i might also add some of “miguel jose’s” personal home brewed spicy mayo to the order as well.  Hopefully that last image didn’t ruin this for you, but if it did you are welcome!  You don’t need all these extra calories anyway…

And since i’m in such a fantastic mood and since you kids have been so good lately i got another Fast Food Tip for you today.  Today is “Free Cone” day at Ben and Jerry’s, so make sure you hit one up and get the free ice cream you deserve!!!

And that’s it for me today kids!!  Like i said earlier i have some big news for my Facebook page, as my boy Jay John will now help me out in posting new and funny material to make my page more better.  JJ always posts hilarious and thoughtful stuff daily on his own FB page that i constantly steal for my blog.  But instead of waiting for him to post it and THEN steal it from him i decided to just let him post on my own FB page and cut out one of those steps making it even EASIER to steal his jokes!

So thanks to Jay John for helping me make my page more fun and interactive, and thank you to all of you for liking my page and reading my blog and just being the moneyest fans around.  i’m in a pretty fantastic mood today, probably because it’s gorgeous out and i get to see my mommy for her birthday in a few hours. Because if you didn’t already know that lady is pretty special to me…

Have a great week everyone!  i’ll see you back here on Friday!!  – @migueljose_85


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