Funny thing, when you’re on top of the world, every motherf*cker wants to get a piece of your a$$. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable. Just to regroup and relax… and no one will give you the time of f*ckin’ day. – Kenny Powers

5 Apr
i am a REAL American!
THE “OPENING DAY!” BLOG
What is up kids?
Wow, it’s been a hot one since i’ve written a Friday blog huh?   Well i guess i should try and make it count!  And by count i mean it’s gddamn Friday, which is the day we all wait for the entire gdamn week. So let’s start Friday off with some gddamn laughs already!!
Although speaking of laughs, how happy is everyone that baseball season is back??!!  Ugh, i could hear the groan coming from all of you through my computer as you read that sentence.  Because trust me, i know.  Baseball sucks my BALLS kids.  And not in the fun, hot and wet way.  Baseball is slow, it’s boring, and it takes FOOOOOREVVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…
Although by reading that i’m sure you can all tell by now that i’m a Mets fan.  “Really you bitter a$$hole?  We had no idea!  Besides the fact that only loser Mets fans hate baseball.  And also because for some reason you dirty Hispanics seem to love “Los Mets.””  Oh yeah?  Well eat me.  And i should probably have a better come back then that but lay off me i’m starving.

Anyways, Yankee fans seem to like baseball a little more then that.  They at least have a ton of championships, as well as an overpriced team of aging stars that fans can pay way too much to go watch at the stadium.  The Mets on the other hand, haven’t won a World Series since 1986.  And to any girl reading this that was alive during that time PLEASE do not think you have a chance with me!!  Because trust me my lovely senior citizens, you are a tad too old.  Good luck with getting Medicare though, i hear everyone who uses it really enjoys it…

So yeah i’m a bitter Mets fan, what can you do.  Although i’m kind of glad i’m not a Yankee fan.  Why would i want to be that?  The Yankees are the highest paid, biggest money making baseball team in the greatest city in the entire world.  They have 27 World Championships, which is the most of any sports team in HISTORY.  So after reading that resume i will ask you, is it possible to be LESS of an underdog then it is to be a New York Yankee??  They have all the makings of being the bad guy team in ANY sports movie!  The Yankees are just as bad as  Team Russia in “Miracle,” or The Dallas Cowboys in “Little Giants,” or Drago in “Rocky IV,” or the black team in “Hoosiers.”  Or even the New York Yankees in “Major League!”  F that man!! i’m not rooting for the #1 team or jumping on any bandwagon.  i’m rooting for the underdog!!!
So yeah despite all of that baseball is back, and as much as i hate to admit it i do look forward to the start of the season.  You may be asking yourself, “Why you masochistic a$$hole???”  Especially when it’s clear that i love Football and Hockey a MILLION times more then baseball.  But the reason is simple, and it’s because the beginning of the season is a fresh start.  A clean slate if you will.  It doesn’t matter how bad the Mets were last year, or even the years and years of awfulness before that.  And it doesn’t even matter how horrific the Mets are going to be again this year.  And trust me, all us Mets fans know this is going to be the type of season where we’d rather shove a rusty screwdriver into our crotch then watch that miserable excuse of a team play ball.

But on Opening Day we all start the season with the same record.  Opening day is the ONE chance us Mets fans have to enjoy being in first place.  And who knows, maybe we will even win our first two games.  Especially the way we did on Monday when i went to my first opening day game ever!!!

Say what you want about the Mets but this is a gorgeous ballpark!
So i had the best time Opening day, and i’m glad that baseball season has started.  Especially because the NJ Devils can’t buy a gddamn f*cking win these days… what the f*ck?!?!?  And while i will most likely hate baseball by this time next week, for now i can say i’m happy it’s back and enjoy the fact that the Mets have won every series they’ve played so far this year!!!

And before i get to the nonsense, i have to mention the passing of Roger Ebert who died yesterday.  i would imagine most people who aren’t that familiar with him only know him from his movie reviews.  Truth be told i always thought he was best movie reviewer EVER.  He had a great way of explaining why or why not a film was any good, while still letting you know if the movie was at least fun and enjoyable to watch in the theater.   There was no one else i trusted as far as movie reviews go, and if anyone has any suggestions on who i should follow now please let me know!  Besides Jewell of course.  Oh and speaking of that, Happy birthday Jewell!!!

But outside of his incredible movie knowledge, Roger Ebert was also a very educated individual.  One who always spoke his opinion and never took a position just because it was the “popular” one.  He believed in the goodness of people as much as he loved the art of film, and with his passing we lost a fighter for mankind and a truly wonderful human being.  i obviously didn’t know him personally or anything, but i have to say i was mad rattled when i heard of his passing.  But Rest in Peace Roger, and thank you for everything you did and for all that you stood for.

RANDOM NONSENSE
– So some of you may realize i like to drop “Calvin and Hobbes” quotes and/or comics from time to time.  And while some of you probably don’t know or remember the comic, others of you know it was the best comic to read in the paper every day and especially on Sunday.  However, there are some of you out there that also realize that this is the GREATEST comic strip ever created!  And that the themes and jokes within each strip were not just hilarious, but a deep insight into both the human psyche as well as the mind of a  child and an examination of the human condition.  Case in point…

That’s just a small sample of what is easily the best comic of all time (Sorry Kohl, but HAPPY HOUR and THE BREWERY will have to settle for silver and bronze).  And if you weren’t aware how money this comic is, you should go out and buy every book Bill Watterson the creator has done.  And while you’re at it, read up on Bill Watterson as well.  Did you know he REFUSED to sell even one piece of Calvin and Hobbes merchandise ever, and if you ever see anything with Calvin and Hobbes on it that it’s a ripoff because he never sold the rights to anything?  Imagine that, staying true to your art instead of selling out immediately.  i didn’t know they made people like that…

Anyways, the point of all this is that some guys made a trailer for a “Calvin and Hobbes” movie that is just the best thing i’ve seen in a long time.  i don’t know how many of you are going to get this joke, but the ones that do are gonna love it!!  Kinda like my blog actually…

You are WELCOME for that!  Although thanks to Gritty Reboots on Youtube for creating the moneyest thing ever!!

 Whatever Happened To…? “The Clapper”?   Do you guys remember that $hit?  You should at least remember that commercial from the eighties.  “CLAP ON, CLAP OFF, THE CLAPPER!  CLAP CLAP!” If you didn’t remember that song hopefully i was able to get it stuck in your head just now.  And if you are a girl and you are too young to get that reference that is crazy hot and i thank you.  But what i’m wondering is, do they still sell that piece?  If so i’d hook one of those up IMMEDIATELY!  Why would i not want to turn my lights on and off just by clapping?  You’re saying i can stay in my bed, covered in my own filth and shame after whacking off to Kate Upton and not even have to get my fat ass up?  i’m definitely in on that idea!!  And i also don’t think we’re using that technology to our benefit enough…

  “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE -Why do gay guys love girls with big boobs?  i’ve noticed that any gay guy i know, and trust me, that is a LOT of them, they always hang out with at least one girl who is pushing “DD” status.  And it’s weird because they obviously don’t get a rise in their pants over them, i guess they are just fascinated by jugs and love playing with them.  Which really makes them no different then any other guy, except for the fact that they are also into disgusting hairy man ass and putting penises into their orifices.  Which is a pretty big difference i guess. 
Fast Food Tips – Apparently Burger King isn’t happy enough killing obese fatsos who deserve their slow painful death.  Now they are trying to get healthy people on board their deathwagon, and they are doing so with their new “Turkey Burger” and “Veggie Burger”!  Which means if you are a health nut and you go to BK to eat healthy sandwiches then you are a… man i want to say “retard” there but you can’t say that anymore right?  Then you are a silly goose!!   Anyways this is normally the part where i tell you what’s in these bad boys but i don’t want any of you getting them so i won’t even bother.  
How did i ever take these breaks off from writing Friday blogs?? This blog is AMAZING!!  My Facebook page states i’ve won the award for “Moneyest Blog” in 2011 AND 2012, but my guess is i’m well on my way to winning it again in 2013 as well!  Although speaking of social media, are you fools following me on Twitter yet at @migueljose_85 ?  If you’re not you are blowing it because i’m hilarious on that as well.  i haven’t started Instagram and the other thing yet though cause i’m lazy.
Anyways i hope everyone has the money weekend.  Happy birthday to my friends Jewell and Caitlin, i hope you kids have the money day!  Oh and my mom had surgery on her ankle yesterday, and while she will be off her feet for about 6 weeks she came out of it okay.  So thank God for that because i can’t imagine life without her.  Speaking of which her birthday is on Tuesday…
Have a great weekend everyone!!  – @migueljose_85 
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4 Responses to “Funny thing, when you’re on top of the world, every motherf*cker wants to get a piece of your a$$. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable. Just to regroup and relax… and no one will give you the time of f*ckin’ day. – Kenny Powers”

  1. Anonymous April 5, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

    I only started recognizing Ebert's talent after his review of Under Siege 2: Dark Territory! Oh and stop ripping off my stuff.
    JJ

    Like

  2. Jim April 5, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    Great blog. Your writing is getting better. Silver and Bronze work for me.

    Like

  3. Miguel José April 6, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Consider all this stealing a part of your application son! For when i do get paid for this and get to hire writers haha

    Like

  4. Miguel José April 6, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Yeah this blog was no joke, i have zero problems admitting this

    Like

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