You’re perfect yes it’s true. But without me, you are only you – Faith No More "Midlife Crisis"

2 Apr

What is up kids???

How’s everyone doing on this beautiful Tuesday morning?  Did everyone miss daddy while i was gone on vacation?  You should have, i guarantee no one else gives you nothing but the MONEY comedy blog twice a week.  So trust me my faithful readers, i know these last two Fridays i took off from writing were really hard on you.

But it had to be done, because sometimes these mind grapes of mine need to take a rest for a hot second.  Although it’s crazy, every time i do take a blog or two off the amount of ideas and jokes that i end up coming up with is INCREDIBLE!  For real kids, i have so much material for you in these upcoming blogs it’s crazy!!  And sure, if you were smart enough to catch it right there you noticed i didn’t say “funny” new material.  But hey, go f*ck yourself!!  And oh yeah, i’m happy to be back 🙂

And i promise, your sexy yet slightly overweight middle child screaming for attention is back to his normal schedule and ready to unleash nothing but A plus material from my dome on these blogs from this point forward!!!   Or maybe not, who knows?  But i do promise to give it the old college try!  And by “college try” i mean i’m writing this hungover after throwing up stale Natty light and Dominos pizza in my backyard, and once this blog is done i’m going to find some drunk college freshmen girls to bang.

But i know what you’re asking yourself, “What the hell have you been up too you sexy Hispanic stud?”  Well for one i went on a vacation.  Both me and my sister Rachael went to visit my brother Tomas and his lovely wife Heather in Cape Cod, Mass to see his new place.  And it is the money!  My brother just got a new condo that has it’s own Tennis court and swimming pool, as well as his own private lake just steps from his door.  No kidding, this is the view he has that is literally a 4 minute walk from his place…

And i know what you’re thinking, “Does it make you feel insecure that your married younger brother has a condo by a lake and runs hotel resorts on the beach in Cape Cod and you are a chubby unemployed unwed blogger who’s only claim to fame is that your great at beer pong?”  And the answer is no, no it doesn’t.  Because for one my brother is the money, and i wish nothing but the best things for him ever.  He’s also one of the hardest workers i know, and he’s this perfect combination of being one of the nicest guys ever and also someone who you never want to f*ck with because he knows and is friends with everyone and never lets anyone talk down to him ever.  But i also don’t get jealous because the truth is if i had a choice between everything he has, or my amazing beer pong skills i would take my abilities at pong any day of the week!!  Speaking of which, apparently i’m having a tournament at my house on May 4th to whoop up some of my old college buddies…

But yeah i had the best time with Tomas and Heather, so thank you to both of them for letting us stay at their awesome place.  And i also have to thank my little sister Rachael who was nice enough to drive us there and back.  Although if you’re wondering i’m not jealous of my sister either.  Even though she is a Doctor of Physical therapy who is currently trying to buy her first house by the summer.  Because why would i be jealous of her?  i can beat her a$$ in beer pong too!  Although the truth of the matter is i am their older brother, and i will always love them and want nothing but the best for them.  Besides, who do you think was the influence in their life to put them where they are today?  Well it’s me of course!!!   So basically all of their success is my success, and i couldn’t be happier with how far i’ve come.  In fact, maybe i should be called “Dr. miguel jose” from this point on.  Just an idea…

Anyways, it’s great to be back and writing again.  Like i said, i’m back for good for awhile so get ready for some incredible comedy once again every Tuesday and Thursday! Although before i bounce, did everyone notice the red equal signs all over Facebook lately?  i have to be honest.  Normally when there is this kind of “movement” on Facebook i think they are pretty stupid. “Whoo hoo we all changed our profile picture!  That’ll change the world!”  Actually no, no it won’t.  Hard work and dedication to the cause is the best way to make any real change.  But i have to admit, this red equal sign bit did actually impress me.  Because it is nice to go on Facebook and actually see how many of my friends are smart and open minded enough to support marriage equality.  So while normally i think Facebook movements are worth the kind of movement i have in the bowl after eating the new Pizza Hut crazy cheesy crust pizza, for once i will say i was impressed to see just how many people are openly supporting the cause.  So good luck in your fight gays!  Apparently a lot of people really believe in human rights for everyone after all!! Well either that or everyone on Facebook are just a bunch of closet homos.

On the nonsense!!


Has everyone heard of this “Paleo” diet?  i’m guessing you have at least heard of it.  In fact, if you know ANY women you have probably heard of EVERY diet.  Because apparently that is the only thing girls ever talk about, and that is what new nonsense fad diet they are on.  Anyways, this Paleo diet is a hit with people who do “Crossfit,” which is some sort of exercising cult that is obsessed with taking over the world.  It’s called the “Paleo” diet because you can only eat what they ate in Caveman times, so basically you can eat meat, vegetables, eggs, and that’s it.  Oh and fruit  too, but not all fruits because some are too high in sugar.  Did i mention that?  You can’t eat sugar on this diet.  Or anything refined, which means you can’t eat bread either.  Or any sort of dairy, whether it be cheese or milk or ice cream.  So yeah you can’t eat bread, dairy, or sugar.  Which is funny because i’m pretty sure those are the only three kinds of food i ever eat.  “Maybe that’s why you are such a fat ass you fat ass!!”  This is true, but i’m the gddamn happiest fat ass you’ll ever see!  So good luck eating trees and grass my healthy friends!  i’m working on inventing this chocolate cheese bread idea i’ve had for awhile that is guaranteed to take off a decade of my life.  But it’ll probably be the last ten years of my life, and considering the daily punishment i give my liver and colon and lungs who wants to be alive for that?

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE -Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its delicious.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it’s delicious, why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing as deviled eggs, i love deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   It’s just odd to me, two fantastic egg treats and i only enjoy them semi-annually.  And also, if Easter is the biggest holiday in Christianity why are people allowed to eat “Deviled” eggs?  i don’t get things.

“MOMbook posters”- So i’ve been thinking about it during my break, and i’ve realized i may be too hard on some of these new moms on this blog.  i mean they are giving the gift of life for crying out loud!!  It’s the most amazing special thing on the planet!!!  i mean yeah every woman can do it, and sure every animal on the planet can do it as well.  Including rats!  But whatever, humans are special.  How can we not be?? We are the only species to create computers, and Iphones, and airplanes and even poetry!  And i mean yeah we also created racism, bigotry and genocide.  But have you seen an Iphone? You can do everything on it!!

i’m losing my train of thought here, but my point is i do agree parents are special people. That is why from this point forward, anyone who posts about their kid’s birthday on Facebook (and let’s face it, if you are a parent on Facebook everybody knows when your newborn is another month older because you HAVE to tell us) will get a present from me.  But it’s not going to be some stupid clothing or dumb ass kid toys, i want to get these kids ready for real life!  Which is why from now on i will give these kids…

Science Bitch!

And oh yeah, if any of you are friends with Jay John on Facebook and haven’t realized my blog is a complete rip off of EVERYTHING he posts on his wall well then you are a moron.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The “Hunky Dorys”

Fast Food Tips –  In an effort to kill all of mankind, Pizza Hut has come up with a new kind of cheesy crust pizza.  “But miguel, Pizza Hut already has cheesy crust!! This isn’t new information!!”  Oh really?  i had no idea that Pizza Hut already has cheesy crust pizza already.  Sorry for the wrong info!! Oh wait, this is actually something different then their original cheesy crust which is the reason why i am telling you about it.  Maybe if you could just shut the f*ck up for two seconds and not assume you know every gddamn thing i’m talking about and just listen when i f*cking open my mouth, you wouldn’t be the cousin everyone hates in the family and we wouldn’t talk about you behind your back the entire Easter dinner saying what an a$$hole you are!!

Sorry, i lost my train of thought there again.  But what i was trying to tell you is that Pizza Hut has a NEW cheesy crust pizza called the “Crazy” cheesy crust pizza, and if you’re not already lactose intolerant one slice of this and you’ll have to give up dairy forever!!  You need to see it to understand it, because Lord knows that i’m not a good enough writer to explain it.  But basically instead of regular crust filled with cheese, each slice has two crust “pockets” filled with a blend of 5 different kinds of cheeses: Asiago, Romano, Mozzarella, Fontina, and provolone.  Which is funny because once i heard about this pizza i immediately filled two pockets worth of cheese in front of my crotch, although it was more of a straight Fermunda sauce then it was a blend of 5 different cheeses.  Anyways, this thing sounds f*cking fantastic and i can’t wait to order one and eat it on the bowl crying in happiness and shame.  Apparently these monstrosities go on sale this Wednesday at 12.99 for a large one topping pie.  i’m guessing my topping will be “early grave” but we will see…

And that’s it for me kids!!  i feel like i have so many more jokes and ideas i want to drop on you but they will have to wait until Friday’s new blog for that i guess.  But i know you are all just so happy that i’m back so i’ll just leave you off with this today 🙂

But it’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends.  So have a great week, enjoy this Spring weather that is finally starting and i will see you kids on Friday!!   – @migueljose_85


One Response to “You’re perfect yes it’s true. But without me, you are only you – Faith No More "Midlife Crisis"”

  1. Anonymous April 3, 2013 at 4:39 am #

    I feel like a writer for ur blog.


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