A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won’t mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will $hit inside of your heart. – Louie CK

15 Mar

What is up gays? 
It’s St Patrick’s day weekend, so what better way to get into the spirit then to talk about gays!  “Wait, are gays allowed to march in the parade yet?  And why weren’t  they allowed to march in the first place?  i mean, what’s gayer then a parade?  You’re not going to let gays march in a parade?  What’s next, Puerto Ricans won’t be able to rape girls at the Puerto Rican day parade?  And what are you even talking about miguel jose?”

Sorry kids, i’m a little all over the place today.  i think it’s because i’m so excited about blog 200 that is coming up this Tuesday! But before we get there, we gots to get through this holiday weekend first.  And yes instead of talking your typical St. Patty’s nonsense i’m going to talk about homosexuals for a hot one.  Or a flaming one rather.  Because gays have been on my mind a lot lately, and i mean A LOT.  And they’ve been on my penis even more.  NO!!!  i’m a top so i’ve been on theirs.  NOOO!!  i mean i’ve been nonstop thinking about gays and if i don’t write about them today i’m going to explode.  All over a guys back.  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Some of you (and by some i mean maybe one and probably not even that) are probably wondering why i used that particular Louie C.K. quote to start today’s blog when it has nothing to do with being homosexual.  Which is kinda true, although if you really think about the quote it kinda does.  Because i honestly can’t help but think that some men did decide to turn gay once they realized how heartless and cruel woman are, so turning gay was a choice of survival if anything.  Louie’s quote is 100% correct.  A guy will just beat you up and knock your teeth out and break a few things.  But once that is over you are done and you can heal both physically and as a person.  A woman will crush and then own your soul, and after she’s done she will make sure that as long as you walk this Earth you will never be the same man you once were.  So who can blame guys for wanting to be with other guys and ignore the entire woman thing all together?   i can’t lie and say i haven’t thought about it once or thrice. i mean, it sure would make things a lot easier…

But i can’t do it.  i’m just not into dudes.  i mean yeah Leo DiCaprio’s eyes are so blue i could swim in them, and the thought of a shirtless Eddie Vedder singing “Black” while he sits on my lap and i’m covered in tears of happiness and horniness sounds fantastic.  But no matter how amazing those things might be, when it comes to the lower torso reason of any guy, front or back, i’m just not having it.

Although who cares if other people are into that??  i’ve said this before but there is nothing that interests me less then who someone else wants to f*ck.  Unless of course it’s someone i’d also like to f*ck, then i guess i’m a tad interested.  But in general, who f’n cares if a person is a homosexual or not?  And how does two people that are in love that get married affect anyone else?  i feel like i say these things so matter of factly, but the states where gay marriage is allowed is still few and far between.  Which is absolute garbage kids!  i don’t have much faith in Americans or in our species as a whole, but for real it’s about time this country grew up and stopped caring if it’s Adam and Eve or if it’s Adam and Steve.  Although if i had my choice i’d rather it be Eve and Kate Upton, because even though that doesn’t rhyme or make sense good LORD the thought of her with another woman is enough to make any gay man straight…

Call me Hanson cause i just mmmmm POPPED!

If i had to guess that was Kohl’s favorite joke ever.  But back to my point, if that picture of Kate Upton doesn’t turn you on as a male i understand.  Well i don’t understand but whatever, i don’t care and/or give a $hit.  So you’re into hairy man ass, good for you!  i mean sure i look at my own ass and the thought of anything trying to enter my poop shoot just gives me the heebie jeebies.  But hey, if the idea of getting inside my juicy Hispanic rump floats your boat then more power to you!

Although let me be clear, everything i just said was jokes and nonsense.  i mean yeah it was funny and all, but that’s what most jerks do.  They break down the homosexual argument to being all about “sex,”  like that’s all it’s about when you are a gay person.  i might as well as make the leap from homosexuality to pedophilia, which is another ignorant comparison that is made when speaking of homosexuals, especially gay men.  Which is a horrific thing to do because the reality is pedophilia is a sick disease, and being gay is about falling in love with someone who is the same sex as you.  And also about wearing fanny packs and watching Glee and wearing tight jeans.

NO!!  i’m done with doing the easy jokes in this rant!  i’m trying to drop some honest knowledge here.  Because my best friend is gay, and i saw how tough it was for him to come out at first.  Especially because he used to work at Fox News and spent his entire life filming home videos and he is the bassist in the cover band “Rock Road.” Haha just kidding, that friend didn’t come out yet Rob.  But my other best friend did, and people always ask me, “How did you react when he told you?  You guys were friends since 7th grade and he didn’t come out until after college!”  And the truth is, i didn’t react.  Because really, what changed between us?  Nothing as far as our friendship goes, and like i’ve said a million times on this blog alone i don’t care who anyone else wants to f*ck!  So what reaction should i have had?  The only negative reaction i had was the one i had in my head, and that had to do with the fact that he has NEVER hit on me.  Which i’ll say is kinda annoying.  Not because i would hook up with him, because he’s a stubborn Irish prick no matter how good looking he is.  But it’s a little insulting he’s never once tried to stuff my beefy burrito.

But that aside, this whole gay and straight angle is completely played out to me.  Doesn’t everyone realize how hard it is to fall in love when you are straight?  Now imagine going through all the ups and downs of falling in love with someone while a bunch of people tell you they are against your lifestyle and think you are a sinner who is going to hell.  Because falling in love isn’t hard enough, you need society watching and judging your every move.  Gddamn f*cking a$$holes.

And who f*cking cares!!!  Besides it being about two people in love it’s just sex people!  Everybody does it, like eating or breathing or taking a disgusting dump in the morning after a night of stale Natty light and sweaty Taco Bell.  We all do it, it’s a part of who we are as human beings.  So stop being so quick to judge people over everything and just worry about being a kind and good person for once.  Who knows, you may be better off because of it.

Holy f’n $hitballs kids!  It only took 199 blogs but i finally got the hang of this nonsense. Speaking of nonsense, let’s get to it already shall we???


So there are a few rules i gots for you kids for St. Patty’s day.  And you know these rules must be money considering i’m Mexican and Dominican.  Anyways, rule number one: Wear Gddamn Green!  i cannot stress this enough, it doesn’t matter if you’re brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian.  Name is miguel from the Zulu Nation.  But yeah you need to wear green and honestly, wear as much green as possible.  You just look like an ahole if you’re not wearing green, like the jerk off who goes to a Halloween party without wearing a costume because he doesn’t want to look “stupid”.  Although he’s such a dumbass he doesn’t realize it is NOT wearing the costume that makes him look a f*cking idiot and makes him stand out even more.

Also, if you are in Hoboken or Pearl River for the Parade DO NOT CARRY OPEN CONTAINERS AROUND.  Those cops will catch you every time and that up to $2000 fine seems a little bit more then your $2 Bud Light 40.  So don’t be an ahole.  In fact, if you are going to Hoboken or Pearl River or NYC by train you are NOT allowed to bring open containers on the train!  Back in the day you were allowed to, and i would drink so much on the ride there that i was a throwing up mess before i even met up with any friends.  But you can’t do it anymore so for the love of Pete don’t.

And another thing, i don’t care where you are going but get there early!!  Whether it’s the city or Pearl River or Boken you’re only choices are overcrowded bars where you can’t get drunk because it’s impossible to get to the bar.  And that’s if you’re lucky enough to get in, otherwise you wait in line 3 hours to then get in and then do the above.  Or you could go to a house party and wait until it gets busted up for no reason and then go to your other friends place and then drink and repeat.

Alright so none of that sounded that great.  But never forget the real reason all these guys go out on St. Patty’s day and do this stuff, and that’s because we love those hot drunken young bitches wearing tight green shirts with “Kiss me!” buttons on their nipples!  And i know most of you will say i’m crazy, but if you think about what i say next you should at least be able to admit that i make a fantastic point.  And that is Hoboken on St. Patty’s day is the BEST collection of the finest girls that New Jersey has to offer.  NO F’n Joke.  “Whatever miguel, Jersey girls are ugly!”  Oh yeah? Well f*ck you buddy, you couldn’t be more wrong.  The girls at Boken during St. Patty’s are criminally hot, and by criminally i mean 18 and younger.  And slutty. And drunk!!  And i know some of you may think that the hottest girls are in parts of the Jersey Shore during the Summer.  And for real it’s hard to argue that point with some of the bikini’s and outfits those girls wear.  But any guy walking around Hoboken on the day of the parade is always thinking the same thing, “i have never seen so many hot girls in Jersey in my LIFE”.  The hottest of the hot come to Hoboken my friends, i kid you not.  And they are all totally wasted, it is ridiculous and it’s a beautiful thing.  So  Happy St Patty’s Day Weekend everyone!
“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for Video Games:

“MOMbook posters”- Some people may read my blog and think i have a problem with women being “mothers.”  And while they are not not correct, the truth is i don’t really hate mothers.  i actually hate parents more.  Because women are brainwashed from when they are a child to think they need to have kids and stop having fun and be lame the rest of their lives, whereas guys should know better.  But combined there is nothing worse then a $hitty pair of awful parents, which is basically 90% of them.  “Whoo hoo we love our kids!”  Shut up aholes, no one cares.  Everyone loves their kids, you are not special so get over yourselves.  Which apparently is something they can never do, which is why two (of course) white people had to make this “Parent Rap” video.  Good luck getting through this without vomiting…
The only thing that sucks about this video is that i’ll never reach blog 200 because i’m going to put a gun to my dome and blow my gddamn brains all over the place to end the pain of seeing that.  PARENTS ARE THE WORST!!!!

Fast Food Tips- In honor of all those stubborn, thick skulled alcoholic Irish, for a limited time only Shamrock Shakes are available at McDonald’s! These minty flavored delights are delicious and are only around when it’s St. Patty’s day so don’t delay and make sure you get one while you can!
Alright i’ll admit that was a pretty weak FFT today.  So let me throw a real nugget of wisdom at you, literally.  So next time you get super bombed, and then you order McDonald’s late night and pass out in your own disgustingness.  And you wake up the next morning and take your day after drinking all night deuce, if your load happens to be Green do not panic!  i know you see green poop and you want to call the hospital right away.  But don’t forget you had that Shamrock Shake last night and that is the reason your crap is green.  Probably.  And i know a lot of you think this is disgusting.  But this tip would have helped me out a LOT Sunday morning when i was calling an ambulance to come get me because i was “ill”.   So if i help out just one person form this then i consider my job done!
Blog 199 in the books which can only mean one thing…. NEXT STOP TWO HUNDRED!!!  200 motherf’n blogs… suck it!  i remember when everyone thought i was going to quit this immediately.  And i mean everyone, including myself.  No one thought i would stick with this yet here i am, 199 blogs of straight up comedy and insanity written down for the world to see.

And i got some big plans for 200!  A few confessions i want to make, a few new bits i’m gonna break out, and possibly a new look i’m not sure.  Probably not that last one.

But the only way to find out is to be here Tuesday.  So have a great weekend everyone, follow my rules for St Patty’s day partying and i will see you when “Here Comes the Money…” turns 200!!

– @migueljose_85


2 Responses to “A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won’t mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will $hit inside of your heart. – Louie CK”

  1. Jim March 15, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    Mmmmm POP! Haha, I did love that.

    Great blog, and by 'great' I mean 'gay'.


  2. R0B March 15, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    That blog killed me


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