So there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. – Alan Garner "The Hangover"

12 Mar

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s not up is me, because i am HURT UP right now and i’m going to do my best to get through this rant.  To be honest i originally wrote a pretty intense blog today and i was very curious to see what all of you would think.  i mean it was nothing too crazy, but for once i decided to write about something other then being a bombed mess of a human being who would sleep until 4 pm everyday except for the fact that i usually wake up to deuce my face off and throw up everything in my system until my lungs hurt.  i can honestly tell you that today’s blog was not going to be that kind of blog.

But that was until i decided to do a power hour and play beer pong last night, a move that i am HIGHLY regretting at the moment.  Well, not so much this moment.  But when i got up to “eject” those hot buffalo wings and shrimp jalapeno poppers that we got at that Mexican restaurant, all of a sudden all kinds of fluids were flying out of all sorts of orifices.  And if you’re asking me which end hurt more when the spicy jalapeno decided it could stay inside me no longer i’ll be honest, both of my ends hurt and were burning equally.

So as i write this my stomach is clenched in a tight fist, my eyes and mouth are dripping with water and sweat and puke, and my head feels like the battle of Helms deep and i don’t see Gandalf anywhere in sight.  In other words, today’s rant is now exactly like all of my other ones and i’m in too much pain to care.  In fact, if anyone is by my house  and they want to come by and rub my belly and caress my head as i convulse into a sweaty ball of pain it would be much appreciated.  Oh, and if you don’t want to do any of that but you are down to bring me a taylor ham, bacon egg and cheese on an everything bagel with salt, pepper and mayo you’d be my hero!  Oh and about a gallon of ginger ale please.

So yeah i don’t know if this is the best way to start off blog 198, but then again doing a power hour with Natty light and then playing pong and oh yeah i just remembered we did that shot of tequila which didn’t help ANYTHING wasn’t the best idea either.  i mean yeah i’m super funny and smart, and i’m really handsome and charming and give great massages and am fantastic in bed and everyone wants to be me, but i have an awful memory and i’m not smart.   But lucky for you i just need to be funny, so let’s get to this nonsense already so i can go pass out with my head in the toilet like the classy f*ck that i am!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– i get that as an “educated” person i should be able to tell the difference, especially because it’s in the same spot every time and it never changes.  But could car makers please separate the things in cars that pop the trunk and open your gas tank a LITTLE farther away from each other??  i’m not saying i get it wrong every time,  but i’m pretty sure if Akmesh at the Exxon by my house has to close my trunk for me one more time the next time he fills my tank up he’s going to lose his $hit.  But for real, i dig the fact that i can play my Ipod in my car a lot, and the whole cameras behind me to make it easier to park thing was a fantastic idea.  But if you could just move the trunk latch a tad farther away from the gas latch maybe there’s a chance i could stop feeling like such a moron.  Maybe.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Does anyone know any one’s phone number?  Honestly, if you paid me a million bucks to tell you even two numbers in my best friends phone numbers i would be one broke ass basterd.  At this point i still know my parents home number, mostly because i lived in their basement until i was 62 years old.  But for real, with cell phones storing everything i literally know ZERO people’s phone numbers.  In fact, if i didn’t lose my phone at that wedding that one time i wouldn’t even know my own number.  But after having to give it out a million times it finally stuck with me.  But that’s it, that’s all i got.  And forget the actual phone numbers,  i literally can’t even remember the order my best friends are on my speed dials let alone their entire gddamn number.  i’m not sure if this is because i’m lazy, because i have a bad memory, or if it’s just cause i’m not smart.  But i’m guessing all 3.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE part DOS – Every guy, depending on his tastes, has at least 3 porno sites that they visit regularly.  i don’t mean pay sites, although i’m sure some of you sickos actually pay for this nonsense even though you can find free stuff everywhere.  But every guy has at least 2 or 3 sites that are basically their “go to” sites for porno.  He will never admit it to you ladies, but trust me he has them.  If you’re wondering my favorites are “Dan’s Movies,” “Xnxx.com,” and “Goddess post”.  The first one is a bunch of random movie clips ranging from “Teen” to… well those are the only movies i watch but i assume there are others.  And Goddess post is just pictures instead of movies, but they are pics of “real” girls rather then porn stars. Oh and for the record, Xnxx.com is the all time greatest free porno site EVER.  Some of the ladies reading this may be shocked to learn that their man (No, not MY man!  Yes your man) goes on these sites.  But trust me, all the guys reading this not only agree with everything i’ve just said but they also have already checked out all the sites i just listed.  They are the money right? 

ONE HITTERS: i love Advil but when you are hungover and you drop a bottle of them they sound like angry Tic Tacs.

Fast Food Tips – Speaking of things good for hangovers, as soon as i’m done writing this i’m heading over to Dunkin Donuts to get their new “Angus Steak and Egg” sandwich and probably a side of hash browns because they are greasy deliciousness.  i don’t know how long DD will carry this sandwich, but as long as they have it today then it’s all good.  Plus rumor has it they have these new “pepper” eggs,  that if i had to guess are just like their normal eggs but also have pepper.  Either way i’ll let you know soon because i’m going to get one of these bad boys ASAP so i can eat something then throw up and pass out till you guys are getting home from work.  Happy Tuesday!

i am pretty sure i am not the “Boss” of this morning.  Oh and i’m not wearing any pants let alone boss pants

And that is gddamn it for me today kids.  Not an A plus by any stretch, but this blog was short and sweet just like my penis.  Haha just kidding, i don’t know if my penis tastes sweet.

But yeah i hope everyone is having a better day then i’m having, although this weather is so depressing it’s hard to get motivated or figure out where my pants are.  Although if neither happens today oh well, i’m over it.

So i’ll see you guys back here on Friday for blog 199!  What do i have planned for blog 200 you may be asking?  Well you’re gonna have to wait and come back here to find out!  Because Lord knows i have no idea right now…

Cya Friday!  @migueljose_85

Advertisements

4 Responses to “So there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. – Alan Garner "The Hangover"”

  1. Stefanie March 12, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

    OH MY GOD!!! literally hysterically laughing at my desk. This may be one of a favorite blogs…was laughing so much at the trunk/gas latch that I had to explain to my co-worker why I was laughing and then the advil being angry tics tacs, I started choking on my iced tea and my boss asked if I was ok.

    amazing blog. definitly give this one an A+ even if you don't think it was. your angry/don't give a shit/hungover blogs are my favorites =)

    -Stef =)

    Like

  2. R0B March 12, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    it went to last cup game 3….and yes…I'm back on top

    Like

  3. Miguel José March 13, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    haha i'm glad someone digs these blogs! 🙂

    Like

  4. Miguel José March 13, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    This is true, but i didn't realize you weren't drinking any of your beers. Next time we'll just play with water since you're not drinking anyway

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: